Why Do Therapists Love “I” Statements?
Last week’s NYT’s article does a nice job of outlining some of the strategic advantages of using “I” statements when communicating in our intimate relationships. For example, when a romantic partner says “you never hug me” this sentence is not optimally conducive to inviting a hug. However, saying “I’ve had a horrible day and I could really use a hug” is much easier for the other person to hear, and much more likely to generate the desired hug.
I’m pleased to see I statements receive such positive attention in the media, and I imagine that I will share this article with certain therapy clients moving forward.
But what it neglects to cover is the deeper therapeutic meaning of pushing oneself to discover the I statement that lingers underneath the more reactive “YOU” statement (aka: “YOU never hug me”). When we are hurting, it is much easier to lash out at someone close to us, and “YOU” statements reflect this impulse to blame. The more emotionally mature path involves taking a moment to scour how we really feel and find a way to describe these underlying feelings while also considering the other person’s ego.
Yes, communicating with “I” statements can feel awkward at first, or even “cringy” as the article describes. However, the process of challenging oneself to understand what thoughts and feelings linger beneath the impulse to blame is a meaningful gateway to deeper emotional growth and maturity. More mature (less reactive) communication sets a stage for more intimate relationships and more satisfying lives. And folks who make a deliberate effort to practice tuning into and expressing genuine, vulnerable underlying feelings in a kind way are likely to find themselves feeling more grounded and less anxious overall.
