R.E.M. and the Gottmans’ Four Horsemen
It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
Recorded 1987
By Bill Berry, Peter Buck, Mike Mills, and Michal Stipe
Performed by REM
World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed
Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light
Feeling pretty psyched
It’s the end of the world as we know it
(full lyrics at the end of this post)
I considered a bunch of apocalypse songs as a way to connect to the Gottman “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” which I often reference in sessions when working through problematic communication. I chose to highlight this upbeat stream of conscious song rather than something more aggressive like Nine Inch Nails’ “Survivalism,” or gothic-rock like The Cure’s “The End of the World,” because I have a hopeful outlook that once you know what patterns can lead to “doomsday” in your relationship, you may be able to prevent that from happening. Also, charming as Stipe’s emotional nonsense is in this song, more awareness can help prevent chaotic stream-of-conscious word spewing so that you can communicate more effectively.
The most important point of this post is that the Gottmans found, through extensive research, that your relationship is going to suffer hardcore (and could even end) if you and your love are engaging in any or all of the following 4 behaviors: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
Criticism is when your complaints about a partner cross the boundary into a global negative judgement about the person or your relationship. Ex. “You never pick up after yourself,” vs. “I’m frustrated that I keep tripping over your shoes.”
Defensiveness is any form of not taking ample responsibility in a situation. This behavior can range from friendly, but problematic – such as a pattern of excuses minimizing stuff that’s actually important to the relationship – to harsh blaming.
Stonewalling is when one partner cuts off communication and emotional access to them for a significant amount of time. This is different from taking a break because you need to calm down. That break becomes stonewalling when there is no communication about when you will return to reconnect. When you are basically saying with your silence, “I only care about how I am feeling right now. I am willing to shut you out, and disregard your feelings, and I will only reconnect with you on my terms.”
Contempt is when your words or actions indicate distain for your partner. This includes any hurtful name-calling, cursing, insults, or tone that indicates lack of respect for that person as an equal.
For more explanation about these 4 horsemen:
Once you know what patterns to look for, and start working on their antidotes you can start to rebuild your relationship “house” or keep it from getting super wrecked in the first place.
Note, the idea of a relationship “house” is also a helpful Gottman term: https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-is-the-sound-relationship-house/
So, if you’re recognizing that house in the video is on a good foundation and worth the repairs, I recommend you avoid any of the following examples:
Criticism: “we can never repair this house”
Defensiveness: “it’s not my fault the house looks like this…”
Stonewalling: *running away from the house*
Contempt: “this house is a dump!”
Instead, we lean into stating clear conditions and needs: “This house needs a new structure.” “We need to clear out a lot of unnecessary things from this house.”
For more on the antidotes to the 4 Horsemen:
https://www.empowered-counseling.com/blog/2019/2/13/the-four-horseman-of-the-apocalypse
Regarding the other songs I referenced:
NIN’s “Survivalism” certainly makes me think of how some of us use these “horsemen” as armor in attempt to protect ourselves from real or perceived threats. We can often trace survival reactivity back to hurt in your family of origin. It’s scary to let your guard down and state vulnerabilities and needs. Sometimes our deeper needs hide behind the idea of, “I got my propaganda/I got revisionism/I got my violence.” The song and imagery in the video (trigger warning) depict a sense of threat and fear that often result in “horsemen:”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4lTMOmH8Dw
The Cure’s gothic-emo song reminds me of how embedded the “4 horsemen” are in norms for romance in our culture. I guess the song is open for interpretation but some of the lyrics sound suspiciously like “horsemen.” The line “Go if you want to,” stated at the very beginning of the song sounds as if he’s trying to push the person away before there is even a chance to connect. There seems to be a good deal of defensiveness “it’s not my fault,” “it’s not my call,” and “I couldn’t ever love you more.” And finally, there seems to be a criticism where he’s making some unfair assumptions, “you want me to cry and play my part” and, “you want me to lie to not break your heart.” If this song is really the end of their relationship, I guess he’s got to say what he needs to say to let go, but if we want to try to reconnect, we need to rework some of these statements.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jILwrdNJM1A
Full Lyrics:
That’s great, it starts with an earthquake
Birds and snakes, an aeroplane, Lenny Bruce is not afraid
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn
World serves its own needs, don’t misserve your own needs
Feed it up a knock, speed, grunt, no, strength, no
Ladder, structure clatter with fear of height, down height
Wire in a fire, represent the seven games
In a government for hire and a combat site
Left her, wasn’t coming in a hurry with the furies
Breathing down your neck
Team by team, reporters baffled, trump, tethered crop
Look at that low plane, fine then
Uh oh, overflow, population, common group
But it’ll do, save yourself, serve yourself
World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed
Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light
Feeling pretty psyched
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine
Six o’clock, TV hour, don’t get caught in foreign tower
Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn
Lock him in uniform and book burning, blood letting
Every motive escalate, automotive incinerate
Light a candle, light a motive, step down, step down
Watch a heel crush, crush, uh oh, this means no fear
Cavalier, renegade and steer clear
A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies
Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine, I feel fine
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine
The other night I tripped a nice continental drift divide
Mount St. Edelite, Leonard Bernstein
Leonid Breshnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs
Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom
You symbiotic, patriotic, slam but neck, right? Right
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine
