Torn

Torn Natalie Imbruglia I thought I saw a man brought to life He was warm, he came around like he was dignified He showed me what it was to cry Well you couldn’t be that man I adored You don’t seem to know, don’t seem to care What your heart is for No, I don’t know him anymore There’s nothin’ where we used to lie Conversation has run dry That’s what’s going on Nothing’s fine, I’m torn I’m all out of faith This is how I feel, I’m cold and I am shamed Lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed Into something real Wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn You’re a little late I’m already torn So I guess the fortune teller’s right I should have seen just what was there And not some holy light But you crawled beneath my veins and now I don’t care, I have no luck I don’t miss it all that much There’s just so many things That I can’t touch, I’m torn I’m all out of faith This is how I feel, I’m cold and I am shamed Lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed Into something real I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn You’re a little late I’m already torn Torn Dear Torn, It sounds like you have just experienced what therapists call an “attachment injury.” Your expectations for someone you cared about, your belief in them, and essentially your reality about them are all torn apart. Typical attachment injuries include discovery of affairs, the revelation of a big secret, and abandonment. Sometimes a couple can recover from attachment injuries in their relationship if both are willing to work hard on themselves in order to repair and come back together. If the pain of an attachment injury is the song you are singing, it sounds like you need to work on healing yourself first.  First of all, you need to feel your feelings. Find a space to deeply experience the pain of feeling cold and “shamed lying naked on the floor.” While it may be excruciating to let these strong and desperate feelings run their course, you are likely to experience more relief and clarity in the long run. Holding things in and pretending things are okay for a prolonged amount of time tends to make feelings and thoughts fester. Furthermore, when you are really hurt, the question is not if, but when you will experience your meltdown.  Go ahead and have it on your own terms; alone or with a friend or family member you trust, rather than a regrettable reaction when you least expect and want it. I also wonder, are attachment injuries common for you? Do you frequently find yourself in painful situations that reflect your relationships?  Do you tend to choose partners who hurt you? If, upon honest reflection, you discover that this is a pattern, it may be helpful for you to explore your relationship history further with a skilled relationship therapist. The therapist may be able to help you identify some learned behaviors from your past that are longer serving you well. The therapist may also be able to help you identify blocks to healthier and happier relationships, and how to move past them. To be continued…