Book Report: Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg
It turns out that when musicians are playing together, their brains and physiology begin to synchronize. Research and observations like these makes Superconnumicators essential reading for folks hoping to enhance how they communicate, relate and connect. The guidance is good for a range of intimacy levels, from family members to strangers. I caught myself as I almost typed something like, “range of vulnerability levels,” because one of the key themes of the observations and guidance given is how demonstrations of vulnerability connect us, even with strangers.
The book explores how certain people’s strong social skills can significantly improve cohesion among an entire group. The author explains the characteristics of “high centrality participants,” who are essentially the “supercommunicators” the book talks about. The author points out that the characteristics supercommunicators are not the ones that our current system of power and esteem values. Our current system of power and esteem values being the center of attention, holding on to control, and being directive as a leader, whereas supercommunicators often refrain from centering themselves, or trying to steer conversation or actions. Instead, they connect and ask questions. Supercommunicators lead others to a greater sense of insight, agency, and empowerment. Celebrating supercommunicators is especially validating to my therapist peers and I, since much of our communication training goes against domination and control models of power assertion.
The heart of the book is to explain how connection can improve through conversations if one or both people adequately orient towards three pivotal questions: “What is this really about? How do we feel? And who are we?” A robust understanding of how to respond to each of those three questions ensures that misunderstanding and disconnection is limited when people converse.
I appreciate how the author explored some of the biggest communication issues we are currently facing in our culture. These explorations include online communication, and talking about diversity equity and inclusion issues at work. The author’s exploration offers nuanced reflections of all the factors at play in these situations. The author especially emphasizes how rigid attempts to control others in a conversation backfires, and how letting go of control creates a path to connection.
Finally, I appreciate the authors conclusion. It is a common conclusion, but in the context of the illuminating explorations throughout the book, it felt fresh and nuanced: we should choose love. The author highlights love and connection’s positive influence on longevity. Importantly, the book reminds us that love isn’t just about romantic or close relationships – connection in any form matters. The book encourages heartfelt exchanges in as many ways as we can throughout our lives, including with strangers that briefly enter our time and space. He is so convicted in his beliefs about the positive impacts of outreach and connection that he shares his email address and encourages readers to write to him with a promise that he will respond!
I wonder what he might think of this little blog. Maybe I’ll send it to him – after all, he did say he’d write back.
