How do we launch our college-bound students and set the stage for a healthy future?
It’s back-to-school season and for college freshman, that means a wave of transition for students and families. It was a such a pleasure to discuss these important family dynamics with Jacqueline, a host of Good Day DC.
I thought I would share some of the thoughts from our conversation below:
1. How much communication is healthy?
Families often focus how MUCH to communicate and that’s a quantity question, when we need to focus on quality – we need to ask our college-bound kids what they think will work for them and how we can support them. We need to keep in mind that to them, texting is communicating and we need to honor and embrace if that is the main way they want to stay in touch. Remember, connection and independence are not opposite concepts, strong relationships make independence easier for our kids.
We parents basically spend eighteen years teaching our children how to leave us. That’s actually the job. Success isn’t measured by how often your child calls home. It’s measured by whether they know home is a secure place they can return to while building a life that’s increasingly their own. We need to encourage roots and wings and if we do not celebrate their wings we will badly damage the roots.
Try thinking about it this way, you’re gradually moving from being your child’s manager to becoming one of their greatest consultants.
The goal isn’t to help your child need you less or more. The goal is to help them know they can need you differently.
2. Managing the emotional transition
When students head off to college, entire family constellation changes. It can feel like the family is shrinking when really, everyone is growing. Siblings who are still at home are taking up space in new ways and contouring new relationships with each other. There’s more time for one-on-one outings and experiences, and the rhythms of family life are evolving and full of opportunity. If you are struggling to adjust, keep in mind that change, even healthy change is uncomfortable because it is unfamiliar. Even healthy changes are an adjustment but challenge yourself to embrace the change. If you, the parent, find yourself struggling, embrace new hobby or return to an old one, find new ways to place your energy because our kids worry more about us than we realize. And we obviously don’t want our college students worrying about us during such an important time in their lives.
It’s a moment when two different things are true at the same time: if you are not hearing from your college student, that is healthy – they are launching and this is necessary growth. AND if you student is homesick, this is not a sign that they are not ready for college. It’s often a sign that they came from meaningful relationships and are adjusting and it is almost always temporary.
As family therapists we emphasize the ability to stay connected while also becoming your own person. College is one of life’s great opportunities to practice exactly that. The healthiest families aren’t the ones who never miss each other. They’re the ones who can stay deeply connected while giving one another room to grow.
