“I Will Always Love You, Dolly”: What Grieving A Celebrity Teaches Us About Ourselves

I’ve never cried about a celebrity before.

I’ve paused. I’ve taken moments of silence.

I’ve appreciated what so many talented and wonderful big names have brought to our world and how sad it is that they passed. But crying about losing a famous person I didn’t really know had not been a thing for me…yet.

I’ve supported clients who wanted to process the loss of a dear celebrity in their therapy sessions. I remember having a lot of these sessions in 2016, when we lost Bowie, Prince, and Carrie Fisher, among others all in one year. But I have never personally needed dedicated time to mourn a celebrity.

What I learned from supporting clients mourning a celebrity was that their parasocial grief was an overall healthy, and quite insightful process. At least on my own caseload over the years, I’ve never worried that a client deluded themselves that their interest in a celebrity was the same as having a reciprocal relationship. In fact, the one-sided nature of celebrity offers a type of freedom to explore vulnerable thoughts and feelings – especially those that accompany loss – without the complications of a “real” relationship. There were personal truths celebrities brought up for my clients. A celebrity’s artistry, life, and accomplishments were anchors for exploring identity. Celebrities could be understood as symbolic relationships – like losing a family member, but not fully the same. All of this provided rich grist for mill to process in therapy.

Because of my experience supporting clients in this way, I used to wonder which celebrity I might mourn. I related so much with my clients sharing about how sad they were about famous people that I had a feeling someday I too would experience what they were describing.

Then I had children, and Dolly Parton started sending us books every month from her Imagination Library. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of learning about this groundbreaking charity, Imagination Library is the program she founded in 1995 to promote literacy in early childhood. Inspired by her father’s struggles with literacy due to inadequate resources, Dolly’s foundation aims to spread support and love of reading to millions of children all over the world. Imagination Library sends one age-appropriate book a month to any child age 0-5 enrolled in the program. I love that she extended her giving regardless of financial need. Everyone gets some of Dolly’s love.

Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library began a parasocial celebrity relationship that feels incredibly personal to me. Over the ups and downs of becoming a mom to young children, Dolly’s monthly gifts by mail were something stable, something to look forward to. My kids would squeal, “Dolly Parton sent us another book!” and then we would all gather ‘round to unwrap it and soak up its wisdom.

The books were always thoughtfully curated to guide my children’s academic and emotional development, and often to guide my parenting! Many times the books were a much-needed reminder that the world is still full of wonder and goodness.  They were a spiritual hug. I got so much out of these books that I was inspired to co-author my own, Lucia the Turtle and the Serenity Squad, which is in its final stages of publication.

Needless to say, at some point over the past 8 years as my family has received almost 120 books from Imagination Library, and I have become more aware of all she has given the world in charity, artistry, and personality, I realized my devastating celebrity loss would be Dolly Parton.

I bawled like I had lost a beloved Auntie the day I got the news. I don’t even think I’m done crying. As I write this, I’m crying. As I proof-read this, I’m crying. It feels connected and whole to feel this loss so deeply. And, admittedly, it’s lower stakes than mourning a closer relation. I am grateful to be moved this much by someone I never personally met. If you were also part of the gasp that rippled around the world last Tuesday, my condolences go out to you as well. This grief reminds me how powerful a life full of good deeds can be.

If I were in therapy with me right – and I guess I sort of am by writing this – I might explore how I want to honor Dolly Parton in my life. My answer is that I want to be like her! I want to be a kind and community-oriented storyteller who honors her Appalachian roots like she does. This conclusion further reveals what I’ve been noticing in my clients and now in myself: Who we grieve and what we miss about them can tell us a lot about who we are and who we want to be. We honor their spirit by honoring what they bring out in us.

A note on the music clip: Dolly Parton orginally wrote her most iconic song for Porter Wagoner, who introduced her to the world on The Porter Wagoner Show. Before she left in 1974 she sang him this song. Since then the world has loved her message of differentiation (my favorite therapy term that describes the process and achievement of being yourself but staying connected to others).