For years I like to joke that the best way to win an argument is to lose it. Terry Real says it better: “Who’s right / who’s wrong / who cares?!?!?” In many ways that is the underlying theme of his approach, outlined in the podcast interview. The most emotionally mature way to resolve conflict and foster connection is to let go of the attachment to right versus wrong. Instead, share your deeper observations and feelings and articulate ownership of your part of the problem. Therein lies a gateway to intimacy.

I hope you enjoy the conversation below which you can also listen to wherever you get your podcasts by downloading Social Work Talks, episode 120.

Discovering infidelity leads many couples to seek therapy. The road to repair such a betrayal is a painful one that takes patience, commitment and hard work. As a couples’ therapist who believes in the power of prescriptive film-viewing, I often suggest that couples working through the discovery of infidelity watch movies on this topic. The Last Kiss, Away from Her, Maybe He’s Just Not that Into You, Take This Waltz and The One I Love are some of my favorites. Being the Ricardos recently dropped on Amazon and could also offer a meaningful viewing experience for people suffering in the aftermath of a betrayal of this nature.

Most of the film unfolds on the turbo-charged set of the I Love Lucy show, in 1952, and traces the rehearsal and production process of a single episode. The cast convenes to read the lines the day after Walter Winchell reported that Lucille Ball was listed as a member of the communist party. Nicole Kidman is entirely convincing as Lucille Ball and Javier Bardem is equally captivating as Desi Arnaz. The episode’s assembly timeline frames a plot which is interspersed with flashbacks documenting how each half of this couple factored heavily in the other’s stunning professional success.

From a psychological perspective, what is most interesting about the film is its ability to capture the deep the bond between this prolific power couple while simultaneously exploring their marital pathology. Lucy and Desi are creative soulmates. Desi commands the big picture of their artistic vision and Lucy pays meticulous, relentless attention to every minute detail of their performance. When they first meet and fall in love, it is Desi who pushes Lucy to conceive of herself as more than a typical Hollywood starlet. It is he who notices her natural comic genius. It is Lucy who challenges powerful male executives and faces down brutal racial stereotypes, refusing to sign onto the I Love Lucy show if she cannot have Desi as her co-star. (She is warned by bullying studio bigwigs that America will not accept their marriage and that if Desi plays her husband, the show will fail.) Their creative chemistry seems so magical that viewers may understandably long for the couple to prevail. It is so easy to see why Lucy is drawn to Desi. He gets her – he protects her – he respects her artistry and he has her professional back. Their ability to complement each other’s strengths and limitations offers a rare window into how suspecting or unsuspecting partners can overlook infidelity. The film is a compelling essay on the pulls of denial and the pains of discovery.

Leo Tolstoy’s novel Anna Karenina opens with the sentence: “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” The same could be said about happy and unhappy marriages. Few couples have shared the level of synergetic collaboration and shared professional success as Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz. And one distinct feature of this “unhappy” marriage is the tremendous joy and pleasure that their union brought to the American public.

The Orpheus and Eurydice tale broke my heart when I first learned it in high school, and I have been in the bargaining phase of acceptance of it ever since.

It was one of the many contributors to my decision to become a relationship therapist.

I’m probably not kidding.

In short, the story is about two young lovers who are separated when Eurydice dies. Orpheus is so sad and so talented that his grieving song moves the gods to give him a chance to go to the underworld and take her back to life with him. The one condition is that on their journey back to living she must walk behind him and he cannot turn around to check on her. They are so close to making it out together, but he gives in to his doubt and turns around – separating them forever.

When I think of the story, I bargain things like: What if Hades gave them one more chance? Or maybe they needed to break up anyway and they both found happiness elsewhere? Maybe this was all a vision of things to come and Orpheus was able to correct his behavior before he made such a grave mistake?

It is very hard for me to accept that Orpheus just blew his chance at happiness with her and poof! She’s gone.

This tale has a profound meaning when we think of the more terrestrial things that desperate lovers do to ruin relationships forever. The modern Orpheus battles insecurities, so he cheats for validation. The modern Orpheus is hypervigilant for signs his partner will abandon him so he smothers his partner until the worry becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The modern Orpheus abandons his Eurydice before she can leave him.

And then there are the Orpheuses who are a little less dramatic, but slowly chip away at their loving connection through patterns of emotional reactivity. Verbal meltdowns and distancing, for example.  These are the Orpheuses who do little peeks back – flirting with the risk of losing their partner…

Wow, this is getting sad. It’s such a sad tale!

Anyway, as the audience, we can see their tragic fate could have been avoided with trust. If Orpheus has built up his trust in himself and in Eurydice, he might have been able to emotionally endure long enough to see them both out.

Yes, I’m wishing that Orpheus had talked through his plans with a therapist and created an effective cognitive and emotional safety plan. I wish Orpheus and Eurydice had met with a couple therapist before their journey out of the underworld to fortify their communication and connection during such a stressful time.

The hit Broadway musical, Hadestown, by Anaïs Mitchell hauntingly depicts this story. The lyrics in the song “Wait For Me,” and its reprise, bring to life the psychological battles that doubt creates. The characters, “the Fates,” personify our worst fears and most pernicious inner voices that can drown out the voices of those reaching out to us. In this song they attempt to overpower Eurydice’s calls to Orpheus with their questioning.

My wish for people in love is this plot can stay fictional. That by working through insecurity, we need not lose love to distrust.

If you are interested in seeing Hadestown you are in luck! It’s coming to The Kennedy Center this October!

Wait for Me (Reprise)

From the musical Hadestown

Music and Lyrics by by Anaïs Mitchell

Lyric Sample:

[HERMES, spoken]

The meanest dog you’ll ever meet

He ain’t the hound dog in the street

He bares some teeth and tears some skin

But brother, that’s the worst of him

The dog you really got to dread

Is the one that howls inside your head

It’s him whose howling drives men mad

And a mind to its undoing

[ORPHEUS and EURYDICE]

Wait for me, I’m comin’

Wait, I’m comin’ with you

Wait for me, I’m comin’ too

This post is about both Hold Me Tight by the Beatles, one of their least favorite, but still famous songs AND the groundbreaking couple therapy book Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. (Note: I chose to post the cover from the movie Across the Universe because the sound and video quality is better than the grainy Beatles recordings. Also it shows some relatable depictions of young love.)

Lyric Sample: 

It feels so right now
Hold me tight
Tell me I’m the only one
And then I might
Never be the lonely one

One of the most important reflections in Dr. Johnson’s book, and the therapy method she developed, Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), is that considering attachment is key when healing or maintaining a relationship. She rejects the idea that we can keep each other at arm’s length and rationally negotiate about complex matters of the heart.  Interestingly, the lyrics in this Beatles song are theoretically spot on. They mirror the vulnerability and the neediness explored as a centerpiece of EFT.

Hold Me Tight the book, as well as Dr. Johnson’s other books, papers, and recordings are essential tools that I often recommend to therapy clients working to improve their relationships. The book begins with an overview about how love and attachment work. With this in mind, it chronicles how our insecurities related to attachment create cycles of conflict. She uses dramatic language to share her wisdom, such as calling problematic communication patterns “demon dialogues.” With awareness about how our reactivity and fears become barriers to intimacy, Dr. Johnson then guides readers through a discussion about leaning into our vulnerabilities and needs in order to give and receive more meaningful connection.

I’m not sure what to make of how Beatles reviewers, and even Lennon and McCartney themselves, were not fans of this song. But I guess this goes along with my theory that some of the best songs ever written ironically give terrible relationship advice. With this song, perhaps the opposite is true: Maybe it’s not the best song, but the lyrics frame a respected psychological theory and communicate some important concepts about intimacy and connection.

Hold Me Tight

By John Lennon and Paul McCartney

It feels so right now
Hold me tight
Tell me I’m the only one
And then I might
Never be the lonely one

 It feels so right now
Hold me tight
Tell me I’m the only one
And then I might
Never be the lonely one

So hold (hold) me tight (me tight)
Tonight (tonight), tonight (tonight)
It’s you
You, you, you

Hold me tight
Let me go on loving you
Tonight, tonight
Making love to only you

So hold (hold) me tight (me tight)
Tonight (tonight), tonight (tonight)
It’s you
You, you, you

Don’t know
What it means to hold you tight
Being here alone tonight with you

It feels so right now
Hold me tight
Tell me I’m the only one
And then I might
Never be the lonely one

So hold (hold) me tight (me tight)
A-tonight (tonight), tonight (tonight)
It’s you
You, you, you

Don’t know
What it means to hold you tight
Being here alone tonight with you

It feels so right now
Hold me tight
Let me go on loving you
Tonight, tonight
Making love to only you

So hold (hold) a-me tight (me tight)
Tonight (tonight), tonight (tonight)
It’s you
You, you, you

We are in peak summer 2021 and December 2020 seems a long way away. Even though things are not completely back to normal, and some of us are anxious about the variant, most of us who are vaccinated in the DC area have been able to move on from having to stay in, socially distanced from friends and families. Many of us have spent these past months eagerly catching up with all we missed last year. In the summer sun of this year, it’s easy for some of us to forget last December and how tough it was for so many people. For some of us, we are still reeling from loss and problems from last December. And some couples are still shaking off all the fights that arose from such a blizzard of stress last year.

The song “Forget December” by Something Corporate has been one of my anthems for couples shaking off those fights.

Lyric Sample:

Forget December
It won’t be better
Than I remember it before

“Forget December” is also for anyone who needs to shake off some regrettable incidents from a time where we were all a little out of our minds. This song could be about the end of a relationship, or just the end of a tense chapter. Either way, the lyrics instruct us to rock out and move on.  I like the matter-of-fact narrative that then launches into the chorus letting it go. Sometimes it’s best not to go back into too much detail about the past and just sing “Forget December.”

If you need help letting go beyond just this song, one of my favorite tools for letting go either of the past or a worry that just came up is this decision tree on worrying.  What I especially like about this tree is that it does not default to, “just let it go.” If you really can do something about it right now, you should. Do you need to follow up with something? Fix something within your power to fix? Do you need to apologize or make amends? This tree guides users through various possibilities in order to decide when you could benefit from taking action and when you should push yourself to move through feelings and memories and try to let them go.

Forget December

By Something Corporate

On Christmas morning
Outside was pouring
All was hopeless in this home
But no one’s speaking
And no one creeping
To see if she was on the phone

 And you were quiet
This routine riot
Is all but practical to me
And if we see it
Why can’t we beat it
Can we let each other be?

 Forget December
It won’t be better
Than I remember it before
And this month only
Will be so lonely
But not so Holy anymore

 New Years Eve came
But nothing had changed
All the problems just got worse
We sat in silence
No routine science
Could heal the sickness we rehearse

 And if I’m talking
My words are mocking
The deaf ears they had fallen on
These words are tainted
With years are jaded
In a sense that’s all but gone

 Forget December
It won’t be better
Than I remember it before
And this month only
Will be so lonely
But not so Holy anymore
Anymore
Anymore
Anymore

Recorded 1987

By Bill Berry, Peter Buck, Mike Mills, and Michal Stipe

Performed by REM

World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed
Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light
Feeling pretty psyched

It’s the end of the world as we know it

 (full lyrics at the end of this post)

I considered a bunch of apocalypse songs as a way to connect to the Gottman “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” which I often reference in sessions when working through problematic communication. I chose to highlight this upbeat stream of conscious song rather than something more aggressive like Nine Inch Nails’ “Survivalism,” or gothic-rock like The Cure’s “The End of the World,” because I have a hopeful outlook that once you know what patterns can lead to “doomsday” in your relationship, you may be able to prevent that from happening. Also, charming as Stipe’s emotional nonsense is in this song, more awareness can help prevent chaotic stream-of-conscious word spewing so that you can communicate more effectively.

The most important point of this post is that the Gottmans found, through extensive research, that your relationship is going to suffer hardcore (and could even end) if you and your love are engaging in any or all of the following 4 behaviors: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.

Criticism is when your complaints about a partner cross the boundary into a global negative judgement about the person or your relationship. Ex. “You never pick up after yourself,” vs. “I’m frustrated that I keep tripping over your shoes.”

Defensiveness is any form of not taking ample responsibility in a situation. This behavior can range from friendly, but problematic – such as a pattern of excuses minimizing stuff that’s actually important to the relationship – to harsh blaming.

Stonewalling is when one partner cuts off communication and emotional access to them for a significant amount of time. This is different from taking a break because you need to calm down. That break becomes stonewalling when there is no communication about when you will return to reconnect. When you are basically saying with your silence, “I only care about how I am feeling right now. I am willing to shut you out, and disregard your feelings, and I will only reconnect with you on my terms.”

Contempt is when your words or actions indicate distain for your partner. This includes any hurtful name-calling, cursing, insults, or tone that indicates lack of respect for that person as an equal.

For more explanation about these 4 horsemen:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Once you know what patterns to look for, and start working on their antidotes you can start to rebuild your relationship “house” or keep it from getting super wrecked in the first place.

Note, the idea of a relationship “house” is also a helpful Gottman term: https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-is-the-sound-relationship-house/

So, if you’re recognizing that house in the video is on a good foundation and worth the repairs, I recommend you avoid any of the following examples:

Criticism: “we can never repair this house”

Defensiveness: “it’s not my fault the house looks like this…”

Stonewalling: *running away from the house*

Contempt: “this house is a dump!”

Instead, we lean into stating clear conditions and needs: “This house needs a new structure.” “We need to clear out a lot of unnecessary things from this house.”

For more on the antidotes to the 4 Horsemen:

https://www.empowered-counseling.com/blog/2019/2/13/the-four-horseman-of-the-apocalypse

Regarding the other songs I referenced:

NIN’s “Survivalism” certainly makes me think of how some of us use these “horsemen” as armor in attempt to protect ourselves from real or perceived threats. We can often trace survival reactivity back to hurt in your family of origin. It’s scary to let your guard down and state vulnerabilities and needs. Sometimes our deeper needs hide behind the idea of, “I got my propaganda/I got revisionism/I got my violence.” The song and imagery in the video (trigger warning) depict a sense of threat and fear that often result in “horsemen:”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4lTMOmH8Dw

The Cure’s gothic-emo song reminds me of how embedded the “4 horsemen” are in norms for romance in our culture. I guess the song is open for interpretation but some of the lyrics sound suspiciously like “horsemen.”  The line “Go if you want to,” stated at the very beginning of the song sounds as if he’s trying to push the person away before there is even a chance to connect.  There seems to be a good deal of defensiveness “it’s not my fault,” “it’s not my call,” and “I couldn’t ever love you more.” And finally, there seems to be a criticism where he’s making some unfair assumptions, “you want me to cry and play my part” and, “you want me to lie to not break your heart.” If this song is really the end of their relationship, I guess he’s got to say what he needs to say to let go, but if we want to try to reconnect, we need to rework some of these statements.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jILwrdNJM1A

Full Lyrics:

That’s great, it starts with an earthquake
Birds and snakes, an aeroplane, Lenny Bruce is not afraid
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn
World serves its own needs, don’t misserve your own needs

Feed it up a knock, speed, grunt, no, strength, no
Ladder, structure clatter with fear of height, down height
Wire in a fire, represent the seven games
In a government for hire and a combat site

Left her, wasn’t coming in a hurry with the furies
Breathing down your neck
Team by team, reporters baffled, trump, tethered crop
Look at that low plane, fine then

Uh oh, overflow, population, common group
But it’ll do, save yourself, serve yourself
World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed
Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light
Feeling pretty psyched

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine

Six o’clock, TV hour, don’t get caught in foreign tower
Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn
Lock him in uniform and book burning, blood letting
Every motive escalate, automotive incinerate

Light a candle, light a motive, step down, step down
Watch a heel crush, crush, uh oh, this means no fear
Cavalier, renegade and steer clear
A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies
Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine, I feel fine

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine

The other night I tripped a nice continental drift divide
Mount St. Edelite, Leonard Bernstein
Leonid Breshnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs
Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom
You symbiotic, patriotic, slam but neck, right? Right

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine

I’m a mess, I’m a loser
I’m a hater, I’m a user
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new
I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed
I don’t trust no one around us
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new

 (see full lyrics at the end of this post)

Dear Mess,

If your heartbreak is recent, I am sure you are a giant mess. I don’t know if it is comforting, or just reality, to let you know that a breakup, or a betrayal by a significant other often registers as trauma in your brain and body.

This means that the newly broken-hearted often experience same symptoms as those suffering with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This makes sense because when you experience trauma, life as you know it is no longer the same. When an attachment injury happens with someone you thought you would spend your life with, that life with them as you thought it would be is over for you. Though not the same, it’s comparable to a death or a life altering physical injury. Symptoms of PTSD include, flashbacks, a sense that your life is not real (more like a movie), a sense of a foreshortened future or that things will never work out again. Physical symptoms include being unable to sleep, jumpy, shaky, and issues with your gastrointestinal system.

Does this sound familiar? The good news is that it is usually easier to recover from a breakup than actual life-threatening trauma. You don’t actually have the full diagnosis of PTSD, it just might feel like you do during the early stages of moving on. The symptoms of romantic heartbreak do not last as long or as intensely, unless the situation included actual abuse and violence.

You should expect to be a total mental and physical mess for around 2 weeks to 2 months. And if this was then end of a very serious relationship, you may not feel completely “over it” for 2 to 5 years. There may be some existential explorations, letting go, and refilling, that needs to happen once the smoke and wreckage has cleared. This does not mean you cannot date for 2 to 5 years, just that there may still be some dust settling as you open the doors to your heart again.

It is true what your therapist says: everything will (eventually) be all right and okay. If you do the work to keep moving forward, you will likely emerge just as great or better from heartache; especially if you use this pain as an opportunity to open your heart to even further discovery about yourself and life.

If you would like to read further about the what’s going on for your emotions and body during a major betrayal or breakup, here are some helpful links to articles:

This article gives some helpful explanations and research on how heartbreak is linked with physical pain:

https://www.heysigmund.com/your-body-during-a-breakup/

This article includes some similar information, but also defines more clearly how love in our brain can be similar to an addiction and how losing love can be so maddening. It also includes a bit of an evolutionary perspective on why we are wired to freak out when we feel abandoned:

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/this_is_your_brain_on_heartbreak

This article builds on the science explained in the articles above, and adds some practical advice related to the findings:

https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/psychology-of-heartbreak.htm

Finally, for some fun! Here is Bebe Rexha telling us about how she came up with this song. As we see from her story, heartbreak can turn into a pop hit!:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XadX_VFkWFw

Full Lyrics:

I’m a Mess

By Bebe Rexha, Justin Tranter, Meridith Brooks, Shelly Peiken

 Everything’s been so messed up here lately
Pretty sure he don’t wanna be my baby
Oh, he don’t love me, he don’t love me
He don’t love me, he don’t love me
But that’s okay
‘Cause I love me, yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love myself anyway
Hey

 Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be okay
It’s gonna be a good, good, life
That’s what my therapist say
Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be just fine
It’s gonna be a good, good life

 I’m a mess, I’m a loser
I’m a hater, I’m a user
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new
I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed
I don’t trust no one around us
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new

 Nobody shows up unless I’m paying
Have a drink on me cheers to the failing
Oh, he don’t love me, he don’t love me
He don’t love me, he don’t love me
But that’s okay
‘Cause I love me, yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love myself anyway
Hey

 Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be okay
It’s gonna be a good, good life
That’s what my therapist say

by Camile Yarbrough

We’ve come a long long way together
Through the hard times and the good
I have to celebrate you baby
I have to praise you like I should

 Vingette:

Sean and Selena have been together for about 7 years, they are working through surviving the pandemic and raising a toddler together. During their first session Selena complains about their main problem:

“He just compliments me too much! Every day it’s like ‘I really appreciate how you do this’, ‘thank you for doing that…’ it’s exhausting!”

SAID NO CLIENTS EVER!

In so many cases it’s the exact opposite, with varying degrees of resentment for the dearth in positive affirmations. This is such a common issue with couples I see, I feel like I have some variation of the “increase praise,” or the “Gottman 5:1” psycho-educational session, with almost every couple I see – no matter the other issues that bring them in.

I have heard several core reasons for why it’s so hard to praise as much as the relationship needs, which I totally relate with. The top 4 include:

1. I didn’t see a much praise growing up.
2. (often connected to #1) Why praise something they are supposed to do?
3. I just don’t notice anything to praise.
4. If I praise them too much they will slack off.

If any of these are ringing a bell for you, and you need me to relate even more: all of these are things I have said or thought in my past life before 10 years of intense relationship training.

Also, if this is ringing a bell, you may need to change your thinking and actions if you want to have a happier relationship. If everyone is cool with not being acknowledged, then cool (really?) But in my experience, people are not. Even when they say they are fine with minimal positive regard, they often realize they like their partner more once the affirmations rev up.

Praise is gas in the engine, money in the bank, refreshing rain. It’s the stuff that fills up your love tank after a withdrawal either from a negative interaction, or just from natural decline over time.

The Gottmans cover this in their research the found a “magic ratio” of how many positive interactions proportional to negative interactions that couples need to stay happy and connected. In short, in the worst of times it’s 5:1 (positives/negatives) and in general, it should be closer to 20:1:

The Magic Ratio: The Key to Relationship Satisfaction

Yes, it can be that simple and to radically change your relationship.

That said, this typically isn’t just a switch you can flip. Increasing praise is in many ways a mindfulness practice. It’s a practice that starts with a more positive connection with yourself that you build on each day. It’s connected to all those guided meditations on gratitude.

Here’s good 5 minute meditation that includes reflection on relationships, if you’re now inspired: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhF8vLesRRc

Praising requires awareness, vulnerability, and the bravery to overcome ingrained, possibly generationally ingrained patterns to hold back positive sharing.

Here are some quick tips (aka antidotes for anti-praise thinking) to help increase praise with your partner and any other relationships that could use some TLC:

Re: Antidotes to my Top 4 Anti-Praise Thoughts:

1. I didn’t see a much praise growing up.

Tackle this hurdle as with other growing up milestones. You are leaving your origins in search of a better life. You can retrain yourself to engage in behaviors that research now shows works best. Every time you praise, you and your heart are growing. You can think of it as a “Power Up” point if you’re into video games.

2. Why praise something they are supposed to do?

Everything we do is a choice, even if seems to be the “better” or “only” choice. Even if it really was something you were “supposed” to do, it feels good to have your effort acknowledged. Saying thank you is more about acknowledging the effort exerted rather than the choice that was made. Emptying the dishwasher is a daily task in most households, it’s also a daily exertion, so thank someone for doing that.

3. I just don’t notice anything to praise.

Thank you for your honest assertion (1). I appreciate you reading all the way through this blog to get here (2). This shows that you are very invested in learning more about how praise can improve relationships (3). I appreciate your attention to my words that connected (4). I appreciate your patience with my words that didn’t connect (5).

There: 5 affirmations. Now time for the constructive criticism: If you are not noticing anything to praise, you are not paying attention. There is always something to praise. Contrary to an outdated belief that whoever is the most critical holds the most smarts, I question the awareness of someone who cannot find the good in something. Pay more attention! You darling, wonderful, caring, inquisitive human.

4. If I praise them too much they will slack off.

Lolololol. I know, I know. It’s so irrational, but so scary. This is the type of gremlin thinking that whispers to you in the dark and is so contrary to any research in positive psychology has ever found.

Okay, I take that back, there is some research that heavily complimenting fixed traits like “you’re so smart,” “you’re so pretty,” can feel a bit awkward because that person likely doesn’t have control over those. So fine, go easy on those. But complimenting actions, that someone did with own effort is highly linked to increased feelings of motivation and positive mood.

 If you’re feeling jazzed to praise more here is a nice listacle on 7 ways to compliment your partner more: https://www.bustle.com/p/7-things-to-compliment-your-partner-on-more-often-if-you-want-your-relationship-to-last-17012331

And for fun, here are 100 positivity-boosting compliments, to get you in the mood:

https://www.verywellmind.com/positivity-boosting-compliments-1717559

Finally, a word on today’s musical “jam.”

The original “Take Yo’ Praise” and the cover “Praise You” lyrics (as it was later covered by Fatboy Slim), are deeply felt for me as a couple therapist. It’s the background music in my head for the “increase praise” sessions. These lyrics are a recipe for a happy relationship, and they are also written beyond the context of praising personal relationships. The poet and songwriter, Camille Yarbrough, wrote it inspired by the civil rights activists of the 60s and 70s. I am especially feeling this song as we come out of the COVID 19 pandemic and keep on working together towards a better world.

‘Cause I’m so, so done
Got it, my time
Holding me back
I’m living the way that I want

‘Cause I’m so, so done
Fighting myself
Going through hell
I’m living the way that I want (5x)

I lost control of all of my energy
Done so much damage to my heart
I’ve given in, I’ve changed my identity
I didn’t mean to go so far

Oh my God, I wish
I could be, better than this
My God, wish I could be
‘Cause I’m so, so done (so done, so done)
Got it, my time
Holding me back
I’m living the way that I want (I want)
‘Cause I’m so, so done (so done)
Fighting myself
Going through hell
I’m living the way that I want
I’m living the way that I want
I’m living the way that I…

Dear So Done,

When I heard you sigh out this first lyric it was so earnest and relatable. I immediately thought of some client sessions where they may have even said those same words, “I’m so done,” the same way you’re saying it. There is a relaxed, serene, and dare I say, peaceful positivity in the way you are announcing this end. It sounds like the situation was insanity, a bit surreal, and maybe still is. The “was” part was your involvement. The energy and insight you have put into whether or not to move on is apparent from the confidence you exude as you repeat how done you are. You tried. You’re done. My sense is that you may need to keep repeating this phrase a little more to reinforce it for yourself. But also the repetition is celebration and validation. It’s hurt, but it’s also hopeful. You sound free.

There is a lot of energy and fast pace surrounding you, but you don’t have to speed up for it. You can keep the rhythm without going so far as to change your general pace. You can bide your time for a new opportunity to ride off in connection with people and a mission that better suits you.

To be continued…

In this modern version of this classic Greek tragedy, Medea and Jason are instead named Anna and Lucas. They are ambitious laboratory scientists, and the play begins when Anna is released from a psychiatric facility where she was mandated to receive treatment after trying to poison Lucas when she learned he was having an affair with their boss’s daughter.

Every corner of Stone’s remake is modernized, so technology itself becomes a central character. When audience members enter the spacious, stylish theater, Anna and Lucas’ sons, Edgar and Gus, are kicking back on the stage, quietly enjoying games on their iPads. Edgar spends a significant portion of the play filming his family members for a school project, and his work is often projected on a large screen above the stage for dramatic effect. Technology is used to hurt various characters throughout the play, reminding the audience of the extent to which technology has edited the landscape of romance and relationships. There may be new and modern ways to discover and experience betrayal. But the emotional complexities of the impact of betrayal have not changed.

Anna’s psychological disintegration frames the shape of the play and the trajectory of the family’s unraveling. Stone’s Anna seems like a much less sympathetic character than other versions of Medea’s from the past. What resonates most with each version of this haunting tale is that affairs are complicated. With many affairs, it can seem like it all works out in the end. Most do not unfold like this tragedy, but trauma is a frequent hallmark in its aftermath. And the repercussions of affairs often have lasting consequences reaching far beyond their conscious intent.

The unintended consequences of infidelity fuse the content that I work with each day as a therapist, and it was jolting to experience a dramatic depiction of the worst-case scenario.