1. Shift from chasing happiness to cultivating meaning.
Happiness is a feeling — and feelings naturally rise and fall depending on circumstances. Meaning is steadier. It’s built through relationships: showing up for the people we love, contributing to something larger than ourselves, and staying connected even when life feels chaotic. When we focus less on “Am I happy?” and more on “Am I living in alignment with my values and my relationships?” we often find a deeper, more durable sense of well-being.
2. Invest in connection, not just self-improvement.
Our culture encourages us to pursue individual achievement, optimization, and personal happiness. But as a marriage and family therapist, I see every day that well-being rises and falls in the context of our relationships. A five-minute call to a friend, a shared meal with family, a laugh with a neighbor, participating in a faith based community, or contributing to something beyond yourself often does more for lasting happiness than any productivity hack ever could. Instead of asking, “Am I happy?” try asking, “Am I connected?” Connection creates resilience — especially in stressful seasons.
3. Remember that emotions are relational, not just individual.
From a systems perspective, none of us exists in isolation. Our moods, stress levels, and sense of well-being are shaped within the emotional systems we live in — families, partnerships, workplaces, and communities. When one person becomes calmer, clearer, or more grounded, it often positively influences the entire system. Small relational shifts can ripple outward, improving not only our own well-being but the emotional climate around us.
4. Redefine happiness as engagement.
The most fulfilled people are not necessarily the most cheerful. They are engaged — in meaningful work, in their relationships, and in their communities. Engagement gives us a sense of purpose, and purpose stabilizes us when circumstances are uncertain.
Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, in his book Man’s Search for Meaning, wrote that happiness cannot be pursued directly — it “must ensue.” In other words, happiness tends to follow when we orient our lives around meaning, connection, and contribution. It is a byproduct of healthy priorities. Even in a chaotic world, prioritizing meaning and connection is still an available and healthy ongoing choice.
5. Don’t underestimate humor.
Humor is one of the healthiest regulatory tools we have. Shared laughter lowers stress, softens conflict, and reminds us that we are not alone in our struggles. In families and relationships, humor often signals safety and connection — a momentary release that helps people regain perspective and move forward together. Humor is one of life’s most potent medicines.

Thank you, Spencer, for sharing such important, honest insights that highlight your clinical skills, your humor, and your emotional intelligence.

Millennials who grew up as bedroom kids notice they are raising living room kids.

While many hoped that the end of the COVID-19 pandemic would bring a collective lift in mental health, it’s clear that many people continue to struggle emotionally. I was honored to speak with Marisa at Good Day DC on World Mental Health Day about the importance of turning away from social media and toward community.

In times of stress, many of us instinctively reach for our phones. We scroll to self-soothe—yet the opposite occurs. Social media use can heighten anxiety, activate the nervous system, and disrupt sleep, all of which worsen symptoms of anxiety and depression. We are wired for connection, and we heal in relationship, not in isolation.

Whether your sense of community comes from a place of worship, an artistic pursuit, volunteer work, or time with family and friends, consider making community a priority. Time in community gives us more to bring back to our day-to-day lives—and it’s something we lost during the pandemic. It’s time to reclaim it.

These days, more therapists and clients are referencing the ostrich effect — the tendency to metaphorically bury one’s head in the sand to avoid confronting negative or distressing information. The downside is clear: when we avoid checking our credit card statements because we know we’ve been overspending, the lack of information only increases the risk of continuing — or escalating — the problematic behavior.

This topic is surfacing frequently here in D.C., where I have the honor of working with many dedicated federal employees who are receiving foreboding emails nudging them toward retirement or resignation. One understandable instinct is to burrow in and hope it all works out — applying the ostrich effect to today’s uncertain political climate.

Yet, for those who are deeply committed to the mission of their work (as many devoted civil servants are), this response might also reflect something else: the ability to compartmentalize and continue showing up with excellence despite external stressors.
From a psychological standpoint, the healthiest approach often blends both awareness and resilience.

If someone whose job is potentially on the line can continue performing at a high level while also taking proactive steps — like networking or exploring backup plans — they’re mitigating the risks of the ostrich effect and putting their compartmentalizing skills to good use.

Saturday was International Women’s Day and March is Women’s History Month. I was glad for the change to discuss the state of women’s mental health on Fox Nashville. The monologue at the end of the barbie movie is quite powerful a fitting summary as we unpack the question of the current state of women’s mental health.

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“We gentle parent children without the expectation that they will respond to us the same way because they are children,” she said. “Children are not developmentally capable and experienced enough to have the kind of reciprocal relationship adults can have.”

If you’re using “gentle parenting” skills with a partner who is not reciprocating the same level of attunement and consideration, “You are literally ‘gentle parenting’ an adult, and yes, that’s as bad as it sounds,” Spencer Northey said.

Thank you, Spencer, for such important insights!

It was rewarding to speak with Axios reporter Maya Goldman about how important it is to not allow politics to drive a wedge between otherwise healthy relationships.

Family relationships are especially important. And if a relationship with a family member is otherwise healthy, it is not optimal to allow politics to drive a wedge and ruin a holiday as meaningful as Thanksgiving. If views are highly divergent and tensions are high, it is reasonable to decide that politics and world events will not be discussed this year. It’s also an option to agree in advance that everyone will be respectful and lead with curiosity and kindness.

Another consideration is to recognize in advance that people are operating in different information ecosystems these days with highly curated newsfeeds. Two otherwise bonded and compatible family members could find themselves living in completely different worlds, based on their media habits and algorithms. So the discussion can focus on llearning about each others’ sources of data and information, which could be informative and even illuminating.

If bonded family members cannot break bread and enjoy turkey together this Thanksgiving, then the chances of national unity are dim indeed.

For years I like to joke that the best way to win an argument is to lose it. Terry Real says it better: “Who’s right / who’s wrong / who cares?!?!?” In many ways that is the underlying theme of his approach, outlined in the podcast interview. The most emotionally mature way to resolve conflict and foster connection is to let go of the attachment to right versus wrong. Instead, share your deeper observations and feelings and articulate ownership of your part of the problem. Therein lies a gateway to intimacy.

I hope you enjoy the conversation below which you can also listen to wherever you get your podcasts by downloading Social Work Talks, episode 120.