What unfolded on stage at the Hudson Theater was a melodious joyfest performed by the former Talking Heads band leader and his barefoot, grey suit cladded collaborators. Byrne reflects on and demonstrates his personal evolution from an intimidating indie icon to an exuberant father figure and advocate. One takeaway from the show is that we can, indeed, evolve to become happier and more fulfilled. Another message is that music possesses the capacity to act as a mind-shifting gateway toward transformation. Rolling Stone described the show as “art rock group therapy.” I must admit I found the experience so profoundly joyous that I wished there were a way for the experience to be shared with a larger audience.

My wish came true this weekend when David Byrne and his exuberant chorus line from American Utopia joined as guests on Saturday Night Live. The skits were extra hilarious. Vanity Fair proposed that the sketch mocking La Guardia Airport be the funniest of this season. The show was a therapeutic distraction from the stresses related to the speaking Corona Virus and the over-populated democratic presidential primaries. And David Byrne and his colleagues exploded on stage with two numbers from the show. Vanity Fair’s Karen Valby took the words out of my mouth when she wrote:

A person doesn’t realize how much she needs David Byrne in her life until he’s standing there alongside a dozen other musicians, all of them in dove grey suits and bare feet, singing “Once in a Lifetime.” The performance felt so fully alive and contemporary and intelligent and silly, and each musician got a bit of shine. Byrne was benevolent king of cool. I had tears in my eyes.

I wish I could see the show again, and bring everyone I love to join me. Given the unrealistic nature of this desire, encouraging others to watch the leap year 2020 SNL episode in full feels like an appealing plan B.

The film opens as Tony Vallelonga (a convincing Viggo Mortensen) gets into an impulsive brawl and loses his job as a bouncer in a local club. When Don (played meticulously by Mahershala Ali), an eccentric musical prodigy, offers Tony a job as his driver, he communicates a list of conditions about the possible job. It initially must include laundering and ironing Don’s scrupulous wardrobe, but Tony sets a quick boundary explaining that such typical woman’s work will not be an option. He demands more money, turns down the job, and marches out of Don’s extravagantly appointed home. Undeterred, Don telephones the Vallelonga household and Tony answers the phone. Don asks to speak with Delores, and a brief exchange unfolds. Don respectfully thanks Delores for allowing her husband to spend eight weeks on the road with him, and meets all of Tony’s conditions. Don and Delores don’t bother consult with Tony; they agree in solidarity that Tony will take this job.

The couple exchange goodbye kisses and hugs, and Delores makes it clear that she expects Tony to write to her at each local tour stop. Tony resists, explaining that he won’t know what to say. Delores insists and points out that mail is less expensive than a long distance phone call. As Tony departs, Delores tells Tony that if he is not home for Christmas Eve dinner, he should not bother coming home at all. The two lovingly embrace, and Tony hits the road.

Predictable racial tensions are explored at each gig on the tour. But the quiet moments during which Tony attempts to write to Delores frame the narrative. He knows he wants to sign each letter “ps. Kiss the kids”. But Tony is otherwise at a loss for words. In classic Cyrano de Bergerac style, Don synthesizes Tony’s quirky personality into exquisite, poetic prose. He fills in Tony’s awkward blanks with heartfelt, magical descriptions of the trip. He channels Tony, but finesses the language just enough to remain remotely plausible, professing his love and longing to reunite with his beloved.

Regardless of whether this particular dimension of the story is true to history, it demonstrates the drawbacks and potential of long distance relationships that have grown more common in today’s modern era. More and more mothers work outside of the home and a growing number of families include two members must who prioritize their career. Long distance marriages and marriages that involve frequent travel have become commonplace. Especially in Washington, DC where I practice as a couples therapist.

The two months that Tony is away from his wife and children strain the marriage. But Tony’s letters shift the dynamic and elevate the dialogue. It matters less that Don is the one writing the letters and more that Tony is carving out the time to do something that makes him uncomfortable. His willingness to try something new allows the couple to connect on a deeper level. Don’s genius flows through Tony with a layer of sentiment that is true to both men and to Tony’s marital love. When the couple reunites, they seem to have grown closer through this new compartment of their union. They have improved their ability to balance separateness and togetherness and matured emotionally along this journey.

As a therapist in Washington, DC, I work with many prior athletes and am perpetually curious about the emotional and psychological background of athletic champions and how their story may inform their accomplishments.

Individuals respond to traumatic childhood experiences in different ways. Childhood abandonment is especially distressing and can make an individual vulnerable to many forms of ongoing distress, disturbance and destructive behaviors. Nevertheless, certain (remarkable) victims of neglect and abuse rise up and achieve the extraordinary. Freud might say that such triumphant individuals are sublimating – meaning that they are transforming unacceptable thoughts, feelings or urges, and turning them into something beautiful that benefits both the self and greater society.

Daniel James Brown’s outstanding book, The Boys in the Boat, is a number one New York Times bestseller celebrating the grit, fortitude and teamwork of the nine rowers who represented the United States in the 1936 Berlin Olympics. The story traces the unexpected trajectory of a group of working-class boys scraping their way through University of Washington; they surprise team after team of elite, privileged rowers and inspire a nation as they become arguably the greatest crew team of all-time.

Many have written about these boys and their stunning journey, but Brown’s book stands out in part because it originates through hours of in depth interviews with crew member Joe Rantz and with Joe’s daughter who cared for Joe during his final days. Readers learn that, as a boy, Joe was abandoned and abused by multiple family members. Brown details phases of Joe’s childhood where he lives alone, works to earn his room and board, and maintains a carriage of dignity and grit despite repeated abuse, neglect and disappointment.

Amazingly, Joe finds his way to the University of Washington and is noticed in the gym and encouraged to consider crew. Readers might imagine a magical upward path for this determined protagonist, but instead we route for Joe through a series of ups and downs all cushioned and contained through the backdrop of a beautiful love story between Joe and his supportive and determined girlfriend (whom he later marries) and also the backdrop of his complex and developing bonds with his coaches and teammates. In an especially moving moment, the team is traveling to a regatta early in their journey towards making rowing history, and Joe feels that he finally may have discovered a sense of belonging. He wears the same sweater every day because even more poor than his teammates, and he longs to fit in. In a moment of abandon, he breaks out his guitar and begins to sing. At first his teammates gather around, expecting familiar tunes. But when they discover Joe’s “camp tunes and cowboy songs” they begin to make fun of him, snickering and calling him “Cowboy Joe”:

Few things could have been more hurtful for Joe. His music was what had brightened the bleakest days of his boyhood. It had drawn people to him in high school, made him friends, and even helped him eke out a living in Sequim. It was his special talent, a particular point of pride. Now, suddenly and unexpectedly, it had turned on him, reminding him of how short he fell in matters of sophistication. Just when he had begun to feel that he was becoming a part of something larger than himself, he was cast out again.

Nevertheless, Joe perseveres. In a team of underdogs, he is the ultimate underling. The Boys in the Boat is most known for its captivating ability to recreate the surprising tale of one of the greatest sporting upsets in history and place it in the context of Hitler’s rise to power. The book is also heralded as a blueprint celebrating teamwork. Readers are ensconced in complex strategies that elevate the individuals in the boat into something much greater than their individual selves. Each chapter is interspersed with inspiring quotations – mostly from the infamous shell-maker and trainer George Yeoman Pocock:

“Good thoughts have much to do with good rowing. It isn’t enough for the muscles of a crew to work in unison; their hearts and minds must also be as one.”

Equally memorable is the book’s ability to celebrate a young boy’s remarkable ability to use the pain and rejection from his past to motivate and cultivate his ability to love, contribute and discover a sense of belonging with his team and his family and himself.

When falling in love generates anxiety, people can feel confused, alone and even defective. Most romances depicted in popular culture make it look easy. Even the term — “falling in love” – implies a degree of passivity: if you meet the right person, the rest of the love story will feel like a “happily ever after” experience that takes care of itself. But love stories are often much more awkward and uncomfortable than popular culture leads us to imagine.

As a therapist, I always appreciate it when I stumble across an unconventional love story that makes room for the reality that intimacy can feel extremely uncomfortable, especially for those who may crave a connection but who have more experience with isolation.

William Nicholson’s play “Shadowlands” was originally staged on Broadway in 1990 starring Nigel Hawthorne and Jane Alexander and was then produced as a memorable film starring Anthony Hopkins and Debra Winger. The play is most recently directed by Christa Scott-Reed in an off-Broadway revival at the Acorn Theater in New York City, running through January 7, 2018. Scott-Reed’s understated production demonstrates a believable unfolding of the unexpected and famed love story between C.S. Lewis and Joy Davidman.

C.S. Lewis, an elite intellectual and celebrated author for his magical books about the enchanted land of Narnia, possesses a much less animated personality than his stories. Lewis continues a correspondence with the poet Joy Davidman whose young son shares her passion for the Narnia series. Davidman is an abrasive New Yorker who obviously clashes with the etiquette and contained conventions of Lewis’ world. When Joy visits Lewis during her European vacation with her son, a quiet chemistry exists beneath the layers of a polite but energized friendship. Both characters demonstrate reservations and reticence. Their tentative body language and stiffness slows the progression of their romance. Both seem eager to replicate the ease of their correspondence with a human connection. But they seem noticeably more awkward in person than they felt during the openness and abandon of their comfortable ongoing correspondence.

In perhaps the most memorable scene of the play, they struggle to converse with intimacy, and admit that they feel extremely awkward and uncomfortable. In an attempt to buffer their distress, they decide to turn their backs from one another and speak as if they are corresponding through the mail.

In today’s culture, screens stand between romantic unions and relating in person can feel like much more challenging than texting and swiping. Shadowlands explores an important and under-acknowledged dimension of human relationships. The desire to feel a human connection drives behavior, but it can be much more work than popular culture teaches us to expect. Through the quiet and contained telling of this real life love story, a simple play captures an important and underexplored element of the human experience.

If a road-trip to New York city to check out the play is not realistic, the film is a compelling and worthwhile substitute exploring this true to life and memorable love story.