Families, relationships, and communities shape us in ways both obvious and invisible. Jonathan Spector’s This Much I Know explores how our personal histories, inherited beliefs, and the stories we tell ourselves collide—sometimes painfully, sometimes with unexpected insight. In this beautifully acted play, competing truths coexist, challenging us to sit with ambiguity and consider how context shapes conviction.

Therapists understand that children can grow up in the same family and yet experience profoundly different childhoods. A couple can weather the same adversity and later remember it as if they lived through two separate realities. In therapy, two competing truths can share the same space—though it is rarely an easy space to inhabit.

The question of competing narratives frames This Much I Know, which recently left a successful run at Theater J in Washington, D.C., for New York’s 59E59 Theaters. A superb trio of actors fluidly inhabit multiple roles through subtle shifts in costume, accent, and setting, creating a world where memory, identity, and ideology overlap.

We first meet Lukesh (Firdous Bamji), a psychology professor whose dry humor and knowing detachment come through as he asks the audience to silence their phones and launches into a lecture on confirmation bias. His wife, Natalya (Dani Stoller), wrestles with the aftermath of a traumatic experience, channeling her turmoil into research for a book about her grandmother—who fled Russia and was rumored to have been a childhood friend of Stalin’s daughter.
Natalya leaves Lukesh early in the play, while Harold (Ethan Rapp), a university student, faces a reckoning of his own when a news story exposes him as the son of a prominent white supremacist. He insists he doesn’t share all of his father’s beliefs, but no professor will sponsor his thesis—except Lukesh, who reluctantly agrees. Their charged exchanges about truth, bias, and belonging become the play’s intellectual core, while Natalya’s search for her grandmother’s story, and her portrayal of Stalin’s daughter, add layers of haunting symmetry.

Questions of ownership, blame, the butterfly effect, genetics, and epigenetics weave through the dialogue. This Much I Know resists easy answers and refuses to label narratives as right or wrong. Instead, it invites the audience to sit with ambiguity—to consider how context shapes conviction, and how difficult it is to break free from the gravitational pull of family legacy.

Like therapy itself, the play offers no tidy resolution. It asks us to tolerate complexity, to listen for truth in stories that contradict our own, and to recognize that understanding—like healing—requires curiosity more than certainty.

Ann Patchett’s 2023 novel, Tom Lake, is a relationally-oriented therapist’s dream. A love letter both to northern Michigan’s cherry farms and to small-town family life, Patchett’s novel unpacks how greater emotional maturity is conducive to choosing healthier, more sustainable romantic partnerships.

The novel begins during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic while protagonist Lara is quarantining with her three daughters and her husband on their cherry farm in northern Michigan. With the world at a standstill, Lara’s daughters insist that she finally share with them the story from her early adulthood when she dated a young actor who went on to become the world’s most famous movie star. Lara’s three daughters worship the devastatingly handsome Peter Duke and demand that their mother finally give them the backstory. Reluctantly, and with strict and entertaining boundaries, Lara agrees.

What unfolds is a moving tale of a young, innocent and unassuming girl plucked from small town life in part because of her uncanny ability to portray small-town life through her performance in the lead role (Emily) in various productions of Thornton Wilder’s classic play Our Town. Lara’s youthful whirlwind romance with Duke is a classic Hollywood tale of innocence lost and how the spotlight of fame corrupts and contorts. Tom Lake’s plot toggles between Lara’s quarantine with her close-knit family and the complexities of life on the farm and Lara’s detailed description of her years as a young, unsuspecting, aspiring starlet. Heartache, sibling rivalry, and family love are concurrent themes, and Our Town’s cherishment of the wholesomeness of small-town life works as a convincing psychological template for emotional maturity and the beauty of healthy choices and a quiet, connected, authentic life.

Kimberly Akimbo, the most awarded musical of the 2023 Tony Awards, announced that it will hold its final Broadway performance on April 28th, 2024. If you have teenagers in your family or college students willing to hang with you over spring break, consider a family road trip to NYC to catch the show. Victoria Clark, who won best actress in a musical for her role as Kimberly, captivates the audience playing a fifteen-year-old with a rare condition that causes her to rapidly age well beyond her teenage years. Emotionally, she is as mature as any other hormonal, angsty teenager. Physically, she is post-menopausal, cardiac-comprised and well into her seventies.

While the Kimberly’s disease is fictional, it mimics projeria, a rare and fatal condition that inspired Rabbi Ariel Kushner Haber to write the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People about his son, Aaron, who died at age fourteen.

The play blends its exploration of the pain of being different with humor and depth and joy. And while the ending is morally problematic, the characters and their journey make up for this shortcoming. The play’s questionable conclusion can spark meaningful conversation with your teen or young adult family members, and Clark’s spectacular and convincing performance is surrounded by a gifted supporting cast. It turns out that all of the original cast has stuck with the show, which speaks to its on stage chemistry and is further reason to get your tickets before the curtain drops!

The authenticity and simplicity of these lyrics and the video caught me today. Like with many songs on this blog, the words and emotion feel like I’m communicating directly with a client. They echo what I’ve heard clients express to me over the years, and especially these past years. I feel a lump welling in my throat as I think about the love and the stories I have heard while processing grief these past years. The song starts, “I thought I’d only be a moment…but it’s like a landslide of emotion…everyday” and every lyric after details the outpouring of emotion and ups and downs of living without someone who was important to you.

Another lyric that caught me is that the feeling is, “not something that just fades overnight it’s something that stays for the rest of your life.” Many clients have expressed that this is a bittersweet way of keeping their love for that person. The process she describes indicates that she’s never fully healed back to the way she was before. This makes me think of a line the 13^th century Persian poet Rumi that is often quoted by grief and trauma therapists: “The wound is where the light enters you.” There is a lot of meaning to be gleaned from that line. In therapy it generally means that we support a journey through grief and trauma that connects us to a deeper experience of humanity.  With our hearts this raw and bare from pain we let in more insight, we let in more love.

If you need more support as you process grief and trauma here are a few more resources.

For more reflection on the Rumi quote:

https://medium.com/invisible-illness/the-wound-is-where-the-light-enters-you-c5328744417e

For a comprehensive network of resources on grief:

https://grief.com

For a collection of helpful articles on grief, especially different types of grief:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

For a link to a list of 64 things about grief that my clients have found helpful:

https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-things-about-grief/

If you enjoyed the artist, Nina Nesbit, she will be performing at the Filmore in Silver Spring in May 2022:

https://www.ninanesbittmusic.com/tour/

When you Lose Someone

By Nina Nesbitt

Full Lyrics:

I thought it’d only be a moment
Like a night of summer rain
But it’s like a landslide of emotion
Everyday

I’ve been trying to recover
I put you to the back of my brain
Now I’m just to remember you
In the best way

Refrain:

I go from feeling numb to feeling everything at once
And don’t know if I
Wanna cry, one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn
Is how to lose someone

First, you don’t have the words
It’s the kinda flame you don’t see ’til it burns
Then it hurts ’til it eats you alive
Changes you forever in the blink of an eye
And it’s not something that just fades overnight
It’s something that stays for the rest of your life
When you lose somebody you love
When you lose somebody you love

It comes and goes like it’s a season
But the clouds are always grey
And late at night when I’m alone with my thoughts
It feels like a Ferrari racing (on and on)

Refrain repeats

This blog post is one of many exploring Encanto from a family systems perspective. In this contribution, I am focusing on how each of the songs depicts a concept from the “father” of family therapy, Dr. Murray Bowen’s, original concepts. For more information about Bowenian System’s Theory, here is a brief overview from the Bowen Center for Study of the Family:

https://www.thebowencenter.org/core-concepts-diagrams

SPOILER ALERT: If you haven’t seen the movie yet, please be aware that there may be spoilers in my examples below.

Bowenian System’s Concepts Illustrated by The Songs of Encanto

Relevant to all of these Bowenian concepts illustrated in Encanto is the goal of Differentiation. Differentiation means that a person experiences a healthy balance of feeling whole as an individual and also connected to their family members. The opposite of differentiated is “undifferentiated.” Experiencing Cut-Offs or Enmeshments can both be undifferentiated because differentiation is about balance and not going to either extreme.

 Genograms

 A genogram is like a therapeutic combination of a family tree and a family diagnostic assessment. When depicting the family, we look at several generations. Ideally as far out, or farther, as the “identified patient’s” grandparents.  Genograms show family structure, family roles, individual issues within the family, and family dynamics.

In “The Family Madrigal” we learn about the family structure, individual qualities and roles, and some dynamics such as who is close and who has conflict.

Family Projection Process

 In short, the family projection process is how we talk about older generations’ values, strengths, fears, and anxieties affecting their view and behavior toward the younger generations. Depending on the view, this process can help or hurt the child. The child can either be seen disproportionately as a “problem child” or a “golden child” depending on what the older generation is projecting on to them.

In “Waiting on a Miracle,” Mirabel is reacting to the family value that you must have a magic power to help and belong in her family. Since she has no magical talent, she is seen as a problem and doesn’t feel like she belongs. As we see through the film, this projection process creates a whole system of anxiety for the family.

Family Fusion 

 Fusion occurs when a family member takes on the anxieties of others to the point that they lose themselves. It creates an unmanageable amount of stress for the individual and also enables disfunction in the family system.

In “Surface Pressure,” Luisa sings about the intense pressure of carrying so many family burdens. In the song’s bridge she dreams of living a more differentiated life where she could let go of family pressures and take better care of herself.

Cut-Offs

 Cut-Offs can be both physical and emotional, or just emotional. They occur when the family system cannot handle the anxiety of maintaining a connection with one or more of its members, so it shuts people out. This is a reflection of the system itself and not the individual(s) it is shutting out.

In “We Don’t Talk About Bruno,” the family sings about how this member is both physically and emotionally cut off from the family to the point they (unsuccessfully) avoid even talking about him. The family sings about the anxieties this member brings up for them. As we learn, failing to resolve these issues and connect with this family member harmful effect on everyone.

Differentiation

Again, differentiation means being able to feel both whole individually and connected to your family. It means breaking free from becoming an exact replica of previous generations, molded by their values. Differentiation means you find your own unique, often creative, existence. Bowen theory recognizes that even just one person differentiating themselves can begin the healing process for the entire family system. Once someone differentiates themselves, it makes it hard for the family system to continue churning along with the same patterns of disfunction.

In “What Else Can I Do?,” Isabel breaks free of the perfectionism projected onto her by her family. She celebrates with a burst of vitality and creativity. She and her sister reconcile tension, and together stand up to dysfunctional family processes. This ultimately breaks the old dysfunctional family system so that they can build a healthier one.

Intergenerational Trauma

 With intergenerational trauma, the anxiety created from the older generation’s trauma affects the younger generations. Family healing requires either the older generation to heal and make amends, or for the younger generation to recognize the challenges experienced by the older generation and work towards forgiveness, acceptance, and differentiation. When both generations can engage in healing, we have a miracle!

In “Dos Orugitas,” Abuela is able to recognize how her trauma has affected the family. She is able to make amends for the harmful pattern of behavior towards her family, especially her granddaughter, Mirabel. Mirabel expresses understanding of all that her Abuela went through, and the two experience a beautiful reconciliation.

Jay-Z’s song “Moment of Clarity” is a powerful example of what renowned family psychotherapist Murray Bowen calls “going home” and “doing the work” to make sense of your family system.  To thoroughly experience the song, I recommend you find his version from The Black Album on your favorite streaming platform. The variations posted on YouTube have mostly the same lyrics, but don’t include the somber depth of the original music production that was so moving when it first came out in the early 2000s. This video of him describing his process in writing the song, however, is fascinating and inspiring. This interview clip with MTV host, Sway, is like a mini therapy exploration.

While exploring the reconnection with his estranged father shortly before he died, Jay-Z echos many experiences I have heard my therapy clients discuss in terms of how  vulnerable it can feel to confront challenging family conflicts, estrangements, and stalemates.  This conversation reflects and normalizes that, as an adult, it’s your prerogative to determine who your family is, how close you want to be, and what boundaries you keep. Young Jay-Z recognizes that he didn’t owe his dad tears, and he didn’t owe his dad silence either. He is striking a balance between boundaries and outreach on his own terms, as both are psychologically important. He states, “I didn’t let him off the hook,” in expressing what it was like to be his son.

In Jay-Z’s processing I hear how confronting his family system opened up a path for forgiveness and acceptance. He acknowledges in this interview that he still has a lot of work to do. He is able to articulate vulnerabilities and defenses he is still working through. We see his progress throughout his career both through his own art and his (now) wife’s – especially in Beyonce’s masterpiece album, Lemonade, and his response 4:44.

A note on the psychotherapist reference from the beginning of this post: Dr. Murray Bowen’s family system’s theory is a foundation for most relationship therapists. To some degree, we always use it in our work. For more information visit The Bowen Center , or explore with your therapist.

Moment of Clarity

By Shawn Carter, Marshall Mathers, Luis Resto, and Steve King

Turn the music up turn the lights down I’m in my zone

 Refrain:

Thank God for granting me this
Moment of clarity, this moment of honesty
The world’ll feel my truths
My “Hard Knock Life” time my gift and a curse
I gave you volume after volume of my work so you can feel my truths
I built the Dynasty by being one of the realest [n-word]s out
Way beyond a Reasonable Doubt (Y’all can’t fill my shoes)
From my Blueprint beginnings ’til that Black Album ending
Listen close you hear what I’m about, [n-word] feel my truths

 Pop died, didn’t cry, didn’t know him that well
Between him doing heroin and me doing crack sales
With that in the egg shell standing at the tabernacle
Rather the church pretending to be hurt
Wouldn’t work, so a smirk was all on my face
Like damn that mans face was just like my face
So pop, I forgive you for all the shit that I lived through
It wasn’t all your fault homie you got caught

And to the same game I fault that Uncle Ray lost
My big brothers and so many others I saw
I’m just glad we got to see each other
Talk and re-meet each other save a place in Heaven
‘Til the next time we meet forever

 Refrain

 The music business hate me ’cause the industry ain’t make me
Hustlers and boosters embrace me and the music I be making
I dumb down for my audience and double my dollars
They criticize me for it yet they all yell “Holla”
If skills sold truth be told
I’d probably be lyrically Talib Kweli
Truthfully I want to rhyme like Common Sense (But I did five Mil)
I ain’t been rhyming like Common since

When your sense got that much in common
And you been hustling since, your inception, fuck perception
Go with what makes sense
Since I know what I’m up against
We as rappers must decide what’s most important
And I can’t help the poor if I’m one of them
So I got rich and gave back to me, that’s the win, win
So next time you see the homie and his rims spin
Just know my mind is working just like them (The rims that is)

 Refrain

 My homie Sigel’s on a tier where no tears should fall
‘Cause he was on the block where no squares get off
See in my inner circle all we do is ball
‘Til we all got triangles on our wall
He ain’t just rapping for the platinum, y’all record
I recall, ’cause I really been there before
Four scores and seven years ago prepared to flow prepare for war
I shall fear no man you don’t hear me though

These words ain’t just paired to go in one ear out the other ear, no
Yo, my balls and my word is all’s I have
What you gonna do to me? [N-word] scars’ll scab
What you gonna box me homie? I can dodge and jab
Three shots couldn’t touch me thank God for that
I’m strong enough to carry Biggie Smalls on my back
And the whole BK [n-word] holla back

Refrain

We are in peak summer 2021 and December 2020 seems a long way away. Even though things are not completely back to normal, and some of us are anxious about the variant, most of us who are vaccinated in the DC area have been able to move on from having to stay in, socially distanced from friends and families. Many of us have spent these past months eagerly catching up with all we missed last year. In the summer sun of this year, it’s easy for some of us to forget last December and how tough it was for so many people. For some of us, we are still reeling from loss and problems from last December. And some couples are still shaking off all the fights that arose from such a blizzard of stress last year.

The song “Forget December” by Something Corporate has been one of my anthems for couples shaking off those fights.

Lyric Sample:

Forget December
It won’t be better
Than I remember it before

“Forget December” is also for anyone who needs to shake off some regrettable incidents from a time where we were all a little out of our minds. This song could be about the end of a relationship, or just the end of a tense chapter. Either way, the lyrics instruct us to rock out and move on.  I like the matter-of-fact narrative that then launches into the chorus letting it go. Sometimes it’s best not to go back into too much detail about the past and just sing “Forget December.”

If you need help letting go beyond just this song, one of my favorite tools for letting go either of the past or a worry that just came up is this decision tree on worrying.  What I especially like about this tree is that it does not default to, “just let it go.” If you really can do something about it right now, you should. Do you need to follow up with something? Fix something within your power to fix? Do you need to apologize or make amends? This tree guides users through various possibilities in order to decide when you could benefit from taking action and when you should push yourself to move through feelings and memories and try to let them go.

Forget December

By Something Corporate

On Christmas morning
Outside was pouring
All was hopeless in this home
But no one’s speaking
And no one creeping
To see if she was on the phone

 And you were quiet
This routine riot
Is all but practical to me
And if we see it
Why can’t we beat it
Can we let each other be?

 Forget December
It won’t be better
Than I remember it before
And this month only
Will be so lonely
But not so Holy anymore

 New Years Eve came
But nothing had changed
All the problems just got worse
We sat in silence
No routine science
Could heal the sickness we rehearse

 And if I’m talking
My words are mocking
The deaf ears they had fallen on
These words are tainted
With years are jaded
In a sense that’s all but gone

 Forget December
It won’t be better
Than I remember it before
And this month only
Will be so lonely
But not so Holy anymore
Anymore
Anymore
Anymore

By Al Cleveland, Renaldo Benson, and Marvin Gaye

You know we’ve got to find a way

To bring some lovin’ here today

 (full lyrics at the end of this post)

In 1971 Marvin Gaye released the hauntingly beautiful song “What’s Going On” in response to the police brutality, inequality, and suffering he was witnessing and experiencing. 40 years later we are still desperate to have productive conversations about, and find solutions to, “What’s Going On”

Gaye’s stance is similar to how many relationship therapists respond to conflict. A perspective of earnest reflection, curiosity, and hope that we can lean into the heart of the issue to resolve things through love and understanding. Whether or not it was Gaye’s intention for this work to become such a powerful activist song, it’s impact upon release was certainly inevitable. I’d like to think that, just as with powerful artistic expression, powerfully healing therapy is a form of protest and activism. When we heal individuals, and then family systems, we then have stronger connections to support the greater good.

Especially over the past year, I have been thinking about how antiracism/dismantling white supremacy work is also a therapeutic differentiation task. Antiracists work to figure out who they are and what they stand for in the context of moving forward from a historically racist society. Just as with differentiating from your family, whom you cannot completely cut off, you cannot completely cut off the part of you that grew up in a racist society.

If you need a review on differentiation here is a summary from the Bowen Institute:

https://www.thebowencenter.org/differentiation-of-self

One article that I have been exploring with myself, colleagues, and clients repeatedly over the past year is Tema Okun and colleagues’ 1999 article outlining 15 characteristics of white supremacy culture and their antidotes: http://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/uploads/4/3/5/7/43579015/okun_-_white_sup_culture_2020.pdf

A website dedicated to this article and further education just launched this month (May 2021):

http://www.whitesupremacyculture.info

Reviewing the characteristics Okun and colleagues’ work reflects has been like a Bowenian “going home” task where you look carefully at the dynamics within which you were brought up, how they are still affecting you, and how you are still playing them out. The article was written primarily addressing “organizations,” which I assume to mean larger systems such as places of work, education, and social services. But I think these characteristics are also significantly at play when we see suffering in more personal relationship dynamics.

I encourage families to read through the explanations of the 15 characteristics Tema and colleagues describe keeping their close relationships in mind. Do you see these playing out between each other?

Now that we have some more careful reflections about “What’s Going On,” how can we use the suggested antidotes to turn towards more loving connections?

Full Lyrics:

Mother, mother
There’s too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There’s far too many of you dying
You know we’ve got to find a way
To bring some lovin’ here today, eh eh

Father, father
We don’t need to escalate
You see, war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate
You know we’ve got to find a way
To bring some lovin’ here today, oh oh oh

Picket lines and picket signs
Don’t punish me with brutality
Talk to me, so you can see
Oh, what’s going on
What’s going on
Yeah, what’s going on
Ah, what’s going on

In the mean time
Right on, baby
Right on brother
Right on babe

Mother, mother, everybody thinks we’re wrong
Oh, but who are they to judge us
Simply ’cause our hair is long
Oh, you…

Written and Sung by Dolly Parton

My coat of many colors
That my momma made for me
Made only from rags
But I wore it so proudly

(see full lyrics at the end of this post)

This song tells a beautiful story of a mom’s differentiation, and how it supported her children.

If you’re new to me using this term, “differentiation” is a foundational concept from Bowenian system’s theory which refers to a person’s ability to stay whole and secure in themselves in relationship to others.

https://www.thebowencenter.org/differentiation-of-self

If we come from families and communities where connection feels secure and boundaries feel healthy, differentiation is an easier task – no one is rejecting us, and no one is crowding us, so we are free to grow into who we are. If we come from situations where family dynamics are more harmful, differentiation becomes more difficult. It’s harder to gage where to stay connected and where to draw the boundaries.

In this song I hear the “rags” as a metaphor for what mom was able to pull out of the difficulties life handed to her. Through her own process of self-discovery, she sews together her own colorful identity to pass down to her daughter. With the benefit of a more stable parent and family system, her daughter is able to wear this “coat” proudly, or in other words, have a thriving sense of self.

In this song we even see how such family security protects her daughter from being hurt by forces outside of her family that mock her. With a secure family attachment, the daughter is able to maintain her own sense of differentiation. “I told them of the love mama sewed in every stich.”

As I hear this song, I think of all the moms who have worked so hard physically, emotionally, and spiritually, to create a better life for their children and how that work has benefited generations to come.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Full Lyrics:

 Back through the years
I go wonderin’ once again
Back to the seasons of my youth
I recall a box of rags that someone gave us
And how my momma put the rags to use

There were rags of many colors
Every piece was small
And I didn’t have a coat
And it was way down in the fall
Momma sewed the rags together
Sewin’ every piece with love
She made my coat of many colors
That I was so proud of

 As she sewed, she told a story
From the Bible, she had read
About a coat of many colors
Joseph wore and then she said
Perhaps this coat will bring you
Good luck and happiness
And I just couldn’t wait to wear it
And momma blessed it with a kiss

 My coat of many colors
That my momma made for me
Made only from rags
But I wore it so proudly
Although we had no money
I was rich as I could be
In my coat of many colors
My momma made for me

 So with patches on my britches
And holes in both my shoes
In my coat of many colors
I hurried off to school
Just to find the others laughing
And making fun of me
In my coat of many colors
My momma made for me

 And oh, I couldn’t understand it
For I felt I was rich
And I told ’em of the love
My momma sewed in every stitch
And I told ’em all the story
Momma told me while she sewed
And how my coat of many colors
Was worth more than all their clothes

 But they didn’t understand it
And I tried to make them see
That one is only poor
Only if they choose to be
Now I know we had no money
But I was rich as I could be
In my coat of many colors
My momma made for me
Made just for me

by Camile Yarbrough

We’ve come a long long way together
Through the hard times and the good
I have to celebrate you baby
I have to praise you like I should

 Vingette:

Sean and Selena have been together for about 7 years, they are working through surviving the pandemic and raising a toddler together. During their first session Selena complains about their main problem:

“He just compliments me too much! Every day it’s like ‘I really appreciate how you do this’, ‘thank you for doing that…’ it’s exhausting!”

SAID NO CLIENTS EVER!

In so many cases it’s the exact opposite, with varying degrees of resentment for the dearth in positive affirmations. This is such a common issue with couples I see, I feel like I have some variation of the “increase praise,” or the “Gottman 5:1” psycho-educational session, with almost every couple I see – no matter the other issues that bring them in.

I have heard several core reasons for why it’s so hard to praise as much as the relationship needs, which I totally relate with. The top 4 include:

1. I didn’t see a much praise growing up.
2. (often connected to #1) Why praise something they are supposed to do?
3. I just don’t notice anything to praise.
4. If I praise them too much they will slack off.

If any of these are ringing a bell for you, and you need me to relate even more: all of these are things I have said or thought in my past life before 10 years of intense relationship training.

Also, if this is ringing a bell, you may need to change your thinking and actions if you want to have a happier relationship. If everyone is cool with not being acknowledged, then cool (really?) But in my experience, people are not. Even when they say they are fine with minimal positive regard, they often realize they like their partner more once the affirmations rev up.

Praise is gas in the engine, money in the bank, refreshing rain. It’s the stuff that fills up your love tank after a withdrawal either from a negative interaction, or just from natural decline over time.

The Gottmans cover this in their research the found a “magic ratio” of how many positive interactions proportional to negative interactions that couples need to stay happy and connected. In short, in the worst of times it’s 5:1 (positives/negatives) and in general, it should be closer to 20:1:

The Magic Ratio: The Key to Relationship Satisfaction

Yes, it can be that simple and to radically change your relationship.

That said, this typically isn’t just a switch you can flip. Increasing praise is in many ways a mindfulness practice. It’s a practice that starts with a more positive connection with yourself that you build on each day. It’s connected to all those guided meditations on gratitude.

Here’s good 5 minute meditation that includes reflection on relationships, if you’re now inspired: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhF8vLesRRc

Praising requires awareness, vulnerability, and the bravery to overcome ingrained, possibly generationally ingrained patterns to hold back positive sharing.

Here are some quick tips (aka antidotes for anti-praise thinking) to help increase praise with your partner and any other relationships that could use some TLC:

Re: Antidotes to my Top 4 Anti-Praise Thoughts:

1. I didn’t see a much praise growing up.

Tackle this hurdle as with other growing up milestones. You are leaving your origins in search of a better life. You can retrain yourself to engage in behaviors that research now shows works best. Every time you praise, you and your heart are growing. You can think of it as a “Power Up” point if you’re into video games.

2. Why praise something they are supposed to do?

Everything we do is a choice, even if seems to be the “better” or “only” choice. Even if it really was something you were “supposed” to do, it feels good to have your effort acknowledged. Saying thank you is more about acknowledging the effort exerted rather than the choice that was made. Emptying the dishwasher is a daily task in most households, it’s also a daily exertion, so thank someone for doing that.

3. I just don’t notice anything to praise.

Thank you for your honest assertion (1). I appreciate you reading all the way through this blog to get here (2). This shows that you are very invested in learning more about how praise can improve relationships (3). I appreciate your attention to my words that connected (4). I appreciate your patience with my words that didn’t connect (5).

There: 5 affirmations. Now time for the constructive criticism: If you are not noticing anything to praise, you are not paying attention. There is always something to praise. Contrary to an outdated belief that whoever is the most critical holds the most smarts, I question the awareness of someone who cannot find the good in something. Pay more attention! You darling, wonderful, caring, inquisitive human.

4. If I praise them too much they will slack off.

Lolololol. I know, I know. It’s so irrational, but so scary. This is the type of gremlin thinking that whispers to you in the dark and is so contrary to any research in positive psychology has ever found.

Okay, I take that back, there is some research that heavily complimenting fixed traits like “you’re so smart,” “you’re so pretty,” can feel a bit awkward because that person likely doesn’t have control over those. So fine, go easy on those. But complimenting actions, that someone did with own effort is highly linked to increased feelings of motivation and positive mood.

 If you’re feeling jazzed to praise more here is a nice listacle on 7 ways to compliment your partner more: https://www.bustle.com/p/7-things-to-compliment-your-partner-on-more-often-if-you-want-your-relationship-to-last-17012331

And for fun, here are 100 positivity-boosting compliments, to get you in the mood:

https://www.verywellmind.com/positivity-boosting-compliments-1717559

Finally, a word on today’s musical “jam.”

The original “Take Yo’ Praise” and the cover “Praise You” lyrics (as it was later covered by Fatboy Slim), are deeply felt for me as a couple therapist. It’s the background music in my head for the “increase praise” sessions. These lyrics are a recipe for a happy relationship, and they are also written beyond the context of praising personal relationships. The poet and songwriter, Camille Yarbrough, wrote it inspired by the civil rights activists of the 60s and 70s. I am especially feeling this song as we come out of the COVID 19 pandemic and keep on working together towards a better world.