These days, more therapists and clients are referencing the ostrich effect — the tendency to metaphorically bury one’s head in the sand to avoid confronting negative or distressing information. The downside is clear: when we avoid checking our credit card statements because we know we’ve been overspending, the lack of information only increases the risk of continuing — or escalating — the problematic behavior.

This topic is surfacing frequently here in D.C., where I have the honor of working with many dedicated federal employees who are receiving foreboding emails nudging them toward retirement or resignation. One understandable instinct is to burrow in and hope it all works out — applying the ostrich effect to today’s uncertain political climate.

Yet, for those who are deeply committed to the mission of their work (as many devoted civil servants are), this response might also reflect something else: the ability to compartmentalize and continue showing up with excellence despite external stressors.
From a psychological standpoint, the healthiest approach often blends both awareness and resilience.

If someone whose job is potentially on the line can continue performing at a high level while also taking proactive steps — like networking or exploring backup plans — they’re mitigating the risks of the ostrich effect and putting their compartmentalizing skills to good use.

“We gentle parent children without the expectation that they will respond to us the same way because they are children,” she said. “Children are not developmentally capable and experienced enough to have the kind of reciprocal relationship adults can have.”

If you’re using “gentle parenting” skills with a partner who is not reciprocating the same level of attunement and consideration, “You are literally ‘gentle parenting’ an adult, and yes, that’s as bad as it sounds,” Spencer Northey said.

Thank you, Spencer, for such important insights!

The link below takes you to the National Association of Social Workers podcast, Social Work Talks, to hear our conversation. You can also download the discussion wherever you get your podcasts.

Genetics and Family Life/ NASW Social Work Talks

They are not a “Friend of Your Relationship”
I first heard the term “friend of the relationship” used in the book Not “Just Friends” by Jean Coppock Staeheli and Shirley Glass, Ph.D. A “friend of the relationship” is someone who is supportive as your friend, and also supportive of your relationship with your significant other. The opposite is someone who may be friendly to you, but their behavior undermines an important relationship in your life. In Not “Just Friends” the authors are specifically writing about “friends” who cross boundaries that could lead to affairs. But this term can be used even more broadly. Even strictly platonic friends can undermine your relationship. They can instigate reactivity during a conflict and advocate for behaviors that damage your relationship. Someone who is your friend and also a friend of your relationship will make an effort to support both you and the vitality of your relationship. A true friend of your relationship can be a sympathetic ear if you and your partner are having conflict, but they also encourage healthy perspective taking and reconciliation. A true friend wants to see you thrive in a happy relationship. A toxic friend, on the other hand, may fan the flames when you are venting, encouraging your negative thoughts and feelings to escalate and endure. A toxic friend may even encourage behaviors that harm your relationship.

You can ask yourself: Does your friend listen with a balanced perspective when you are venting, or do they match or even exceed your intensity? Do they follow your lead when you have let go of a conflict your significant other, or do they hold on to the memory and drama of a conflict with that person longer than you do? Does your “friend” support your commitment to your significant other, or do they seem to be pushing you to distance from or break up with them without real consideration for the devastation it might cause? If you answer the later to any of these questions, you may be experience toxic pattern with someone who is not supporting relationships that matter deeply to you.

They use gossip for personal gain
Just being a gossip in general might make this list, and that may be fair. I went a step further, however, to specify the form of gossiping that dehumanizes its subjects. Sometimes people gossip in a well-meaning way. They genuinely care about people. They are trying to get information, or make sense of the information they had. It’s not a good look, but I if the behavior is coming from a place of caring, I wouldn’t immediately end a friendship over a few incidents. The pattern turns toxic, however, when it demonstrates a lack of empathy. The type of gossip that uses its subjects as tools to serve the gossiper’s agenda.

It can be hard to discern motives behind gossiping because most people who spread information will say they are doing so because they care, whether or not that is true.
When determining whether or not someone talking about you is toxic, explore how it makes you feel. Do you trust that they were talking about you with genuine concern and curiosity? Do you still feel cared for even if they said something they shouldn’t? Or do you feel disregarded and disempowered by the way they talk about you and others?

They emotionally drain you
Healthy friendships should make life feel easier and life stressors more manageable. While I don’t recommend keeping score, you should feel a sense of reciprocity in which you are exchanging energy and getting out what you are putting in. There are certainly situations in which someone needs to lean on you temporarily, for example, if they experience a major loss or trauma. Toxic friendships, however, can cross boundaries and sink into a pattern of taking more energy than they give.

Are you feeling like you are helping your friend more than they are helping themselves? Do you feel like their therapist, where the emotional support only goes one way? Does this friendship support you maintaining your boundaries so that you can take care of yourself and not give from your emotional reserves? These are some questions that may help you determine whether or not this relationship is worth the effort.

It is sometime therapeutic to imagine and then write about exactly what you think your parent would say to your fiancé, if they met. What do you imagine your parent would tell you about their impressions of your fiancé? It can also feel meaningful to share stories about your parent with your fiancé and ask them what they imagine they would want to tell or ask your parent if they could have met. Such conversations can feel painful, but they also keep your parent’s memory alive and can generate greater intimacy.

Most brides and grooms who have a parent who has died will choose to include words about their parent in a program. And many will also choose someone to read a poem or give remarks in their loving memory. Many wedding venues will also allow framed photographs to be a part of the décor in addition to flowers. I have worked with several clients who have made this decorative choice in order to include a scattering of family photos, including those of a parent who is no longer living. This gesture allows guests – both those who knew the father or mother of the bride or groom – and those who have not had the privilege to experience this relationship – to feel that your loved one is honored and remembered and cherished.

My best friend and I had a falling out and recently have been trying to reconnect. What’s your advice for getting through the tense, awkward small talk? It’s hard when we used to be able to talk about everything.

It speaks to your strengths — and your best friend’s strengths — that you are both motivated to reconnect and repair your friendship. It is also meaningful that you still refer to her (or him) as your best friend. You word the challenge so well, and it could be useful to express similar sentiments as you rebuild your connection.

Try saying something like this:

“One of the things I value most about our friendship is how we used to talk about anything and everything. I have really missed our time together and our honest conversations. I wish it were not awkward right now, but I know we will get through that and I am so glad that we are not letting past grievances ruin our friendship. “

If it feels awkward to end there, toss in some humor by immediately following your heartfelt words with a fun memory. Perhaps choose a memory that is a reminder of how much the two of you love to chat:

“Remember when we got lost trying to get home from the Beyonce concert and we were so busy talking that we didn’t even realize until we had travelled an hour in the wrong direction!!?”

“Cushioning” is strategic, pre-meditated rebounding — the blow of a breakup is cushioned by jumping into the arms of another who is eagerly waiting in the wings. It typically represents an inability to exist without a relationship. Cushioning daters fan the flames of the backburner, repeatedly betraying the boundaries of their committed relationship, and they tend to desperately crave a backup plan. A common problem with cushioning is a tendency to cultivate secret flirtations with someone who represents an exaggerated rebellion against challenges in one’s current relationship. For example, someone who is dating a successful but anxious partner might cushion with a relaxed partner who is unable to keep a job. So cushioning denies both parties a chance to see if the anxiousness (or any other challenges) might be lessened through communication and effort.

People who need to cushion each relationship with another often have a less developed sense of self and are likely to continue to feel dissatisfied in their relationships. People who are able to address relationship challenges and move on to a phase of independence if challenges cannot be resolved are in a much better position to chose their next relationship from a place of strength rather than a place of desperation.

While I don’t think in lists, people often request them. So here are a few thoughts on the topic of raising self-esteem:

Say No To Crumbs:
In other words, do not settle for less than you deserve, especially in your romantic and intimate relationships. If someone you are dating cancels a plan at the last minute without offering a thoughtful or respectful excuse, making plans with them again is an example of settling for crumbs. If someone you are sexually intimate with refuses to meet your friends and never introduces you to others in his or her life, continuing in the relationship is settling for crumbs. Part of the reason we’re inclined to take crumbs relates to a conscious or unconscious fear that we’ll never be fed again. Unfortunately, by taking crumbs, the self is devalued, and so you’re more likely to end up in more situations with a metaphorical plate full of unappetizing scraps rather than allowing yourself to enjoy a full and satisfying meal.

Being strong enough to say no to a substandard relationship and instead tolerate being on your own long enough to know yourself, take good care of yourself, and feel good about yourself, positions you to choose a relationship from a place of strength rather than a place of desperation.

Cultivate a Cause:
Saying no to crumbs is a little more complicated in a vocational context. While leaving an unsuitable relationship to be on your own can be a healthy opportunity for growth, it might not be prudent to leave a job without having another lined up, even if you don’t feel adequately valued in your current position. But there are still things you can do that will help bolster your sense of self-worth in these situations. Develop a hobby or volunteer for a cause that’s meaningful to you. Engagement with others focused on activities and efforts of substance is beneficial for your self-esteem, and can often involve networking and positioning yourself for other job opportunities.

Take a Break from Social Media:
This advice is given by experts in a variety of fields. An epidemic of screen addiction is captivating users and disintegrating self-worth. Social media deteriorates self-esteem. Think of social media as a form of virtual candy. We crave it and it tastes great for a quick minute. Before long, we are left experiencing an uncomfortable and unpleasant aftermath. Social media offers a similar sugar high through the dopamine rush that accompanies the reception of “likes” “retweets” and “comments”. But before long, users notice an inclination to put themselves down in comparison to other users and end up feeling lousy. Those who can tolerate a break from this cycle notice a boost in self-esteem.

Strengthening self-esteem involves more of a marathon effort than a sprint. The suggestions above are merely tips that begin scratching the surface. But that’s okay, because developing a strong sense of self is an emotional task which can be cultivated throughout the arc of a lifetime. Enjoy the journey.