I found the full documentary, Paris is Burning, on YouTube for free when I went to search Madonna’s 1990 smash hit “Vogue.” I realized that this documentary offers richer ground for reflection.

There is a complicated irony in having a song by a cisgendered white woman like Madonna bring voguing to the mainstream. Madonna never needed to hide her glamour the way that the queens of the Harlem ballroom did. Like this film, there is no denying that Madonna is a gay icon and in many ways an ally, but not without some controversy given consideration of privilege and appropriation relative to the movement.

Whether you love it or hate it, or somewhere in between (me), Paris is Burning serves a rich slice of American and LGBTQ+ history. This documentary was selected for preservation in the United States National Film Registry in 2016.

Some controversy surrounds how the filmmaker, Jennie Livingston, a white woman, shot and edited the interviews and footage with Black and Latinx drag queens. The film has been criticized for not fully examining how colonialism and whiteness shape who gets to tell these stories. Feminist writer, bell hooks, wrote an especially insightful critique titled “Is Paris Burning?” in her book Black Looks: Race and Representation (1992). hooks’ essay emphasizes and explores the film’s missed opportunities to unpack the meaning of gender-bending and imitating whiteness, relative to power and control. Whether or not Livingston made the best choices for the film, the images and voices she captured give us a glimpse into the dynamic lives of LGBTQ+ New Yorkers of color at the end of the 20th century.

I recommend this documentary to anyone who wants to look back and honor a part of the LGBTQ+ scene in the New York in the 1990s, and its significant influence on our mainstream culture and advocacy. It is a reminder of progress we have made, and progress we still dream of.

Paris is Burning was filmed over several years spanning the mid-1980s up to1989. It was released in September 1990. Yes, six months after Madonna’s “Vogue,” for those of you minding the timeline. “Voguing” as a dance form had been around for about 30 years before it hit the mainstream. It emerged as a dance style and culture from the Harlem Ballroom scene in the 1960s, cultivated by Black and Latinx performers. If you watch Paris is Burning, you will see some amazing voguing.

The film illuminates so many aspects of the performers’ lives: the brilliant, the sad, and the horrifyingly tragic. I don’t want to cheerily gloss over the countless struggles the performers share by skipping to a celebration of resilience. There is a fine line between celebrating creative feats of survival and glossing over very real hardships due to systemic oppression. I don’t want to justify anything these performers went through by sounding like it was all worth it for art.

Yet, it’s precisely out of these struggles that the balls emerged. The balls were created as vibrant spaces where marginalized people could embody the very identities society tried to deny them. This is why there is such sensitivity to appropriation of the movement. Black and Latinx performing artists were so successful at creating fabulous expression to escape hardship that people without a deep understanding take trends from the Harlem balls for granted as just glamor and fun. In her critique of the film, hooks laments moments of incongruent laughter and cheering from white film viewers who seemed to misunderstand the experiences depicted.

As a therapist, the creative expression and its context in Paris is Burning fascinates me. I prize creativity as one of the most effective interventions to heal and prevent trauma. Movement in general has been shown to literally break up the chemical impact of trauma. Dance incorporates both creativity and physical movement, which puts it at top of my list of best ways to overcome mental health struggles.

Here are some of my favorite creative acts of resilience highlighted in the film:

The creation of community. The film depicts the joy, and connection found in the Harlem ballrooms. Later in the film they detail the systemic layers of this community by explaining how “houses” work. Houses are loving networks of found families. They are named for notorious ball-walkers.

The leader of each house is called the “mother.” The mother often does the most nurturing and is the most powerful. The houses serve both as support systems, and as fiercely competitive teams in the balls. The competition is depicted as mostly friendly between the houses.

Dance Battles and Voguing. Voguing emerged from dance battles, where ball-walkers could sublimate conflict into stylized movement. Voguing is a full-body art form that transforms conflict, admiration, and self-expression into physical choreography. Just imagine a world where this is a norm for self-expression! I want permission to dance my feelings at someone. If someone “throws shade” at me, I want to playfully lay myself out on the floor and twist my body around them in aggressively creative shapes. I wouldn’t even care if I lost a battle!

One of the queens, Dorian Corey said it best, “If everyone went to balls and did less drugs, it would be a fun world, wouldn’t it?”

Overall, Paris is Burning is story of reaching for joy to pull ourselves and each other out of trauma. It’s a story of hopes and dreams for a more peaceful and inclusive world. It’s a reminder that identity and expression are deeply tied to healing. Trauma compromises our identity, it frazzles our development of who we are, it makes us question who we are. LGBTQ+ Pride and advocacy is a movement against identity compromising trauma. When we support the right to existence and expression beyond binaries and boxes, we support the expansiveness in all of us. In my work as a therapist, I witness how giving people space to be fully themselves opens powerful pathways toward healing and connection.

The book explores how certain people’s strong social skills can significantly improve cohesion among an entire group. The author explains the characteristics of “high centrality participants,” who are essentially the “supercommunicators” the book talks about. The author points out that the characteristics supercommunicators are not the ones that our current system of power and esteem values. Our current system of power and esteem values being the center of attention, holding on to control, and being directive as a leader, whereas supercommunicators often refrain from centering themselves, or trying to steer conversation or actions. Instead, they connect and ask questions. Supercommunicators lead others to a greater sense of insight, agency, and empowerment. Celebrating supercommunicators is especially validating to my therapist peers and I, since much of our communication training goes against domination and control models of power assertion.

The heart of the book is to explain how connection can improve through conversations if one or both people adequately orient towards three pivotal questions: “What is this really about? How do we feel? And who are we?” A robust understanding of how to respond to each of those three questions ensures that misunderstanding and disconnection is limited when people converse.

I appreciate how the author explored some of the biggest communication issues we are currently facing in our culture. These explorations include online communication, and talking about diversity equity and inclusion issues at work. The author’s exploration offers nuanced reflections of all the factors at play in these situations. The author especially emphasizes how rigid attempts to control others in a conversation backfires, and how letting go of control creates a path to connection.

Finally, I appreciate the authors conclusion. It is a common conclusion, but in the context of the illuminating explorations throughout the book, it felt fresh and nuanced: we should choose love. The author highlights love and connection’s positive influence on longevity. Importantly, the book reminds us that love isn’t just about romantic or close relationships – connection in any form matters. The book encourages heartfelt exchanges in as many ways as we can throughout our lives, including with strangers that briefly enter our time and space. He is so convicted in his beliefs about the positive impacts of outreach and connection that he shares his email address and encourages readers to write to him with a promise that he will respond!

I wonder what he might think of this little blog. Maybe I’ll send it to him – after all, he did say he’d write back.

A while back I wrote about how the story of Orpheus and Eurydice haunts me as a relationship therapist. How Orpheus could have saved their relationship if he had been able to manage his anxiety and reactivity.

This is a song I might sing to Orpheus: “Listen to your heart.” This would include all of the renditions of this song originally released by the Swedish rock duo, Roxette, in 1988. For this blog, I chose the 2005 Furious remix by the Belgian group DHT, with vocals by Edmdee. This is because sometimes distress tolerance interventions needs to be accessed quickly.

If I could sum up a good way to calm yourself out of destructive reactivity in one phrase, “listen to your heart,” might be it. But you must know what that really means.

Too often we listen to what we think is our heart, when it’s really something else. That something else might be overthinking, overreacting to a surface level emotion, thinking with just one part of ourselves rather than the grounded whole.

There could be many other names for what “your heart,” means in therapy. I would consider “wise mind,” “rational thinking,” and “differentiation,” as terms that could also mean, “your heart.” When you are listening from this perspective, you can listen with love.

Some therapists encourage their clients to “slow down.” That’s not a bad idea. The original form of this song is a slowed down ballad. This ballad might slow your heart rate if you breathe in time with it. If you have the luxury of slowing down, I do recommend it. Adrenaline is like fire. Very helpful and necessary, but flames get wild. Smaller flames are easier to control.

I like the EDM version of “Listen to Your Heart,” because I think it’s a realistic situation. Sometimes we must listen even when adrenaline is pumping. The most important times for the reminder, “listen to your heart,” are when life becomes a techo mash-up remix. Or, a journey out of hell. Or, a stressful journey in general. Maybe you’re a parent on a road-trip with the kids?

To me, Orpheus’ situation, is best depicted by EDM. So fun, and so sad. To prevent an Orpheus situation, your skills must happen quickly to keep up with the quick automatic thoughts attempting to trigger reactivity.

If you are in an Orpheus situation, I encourage some quick self-talk antidotes to fearful thinking.

My favorite reminder is:

“You will be okay no matter what happens.”
Even if she or the fates betray you, you will be okay. You are whole, and you will survive this.

Other quick reminders include:

“Take care of yourself no matter what the other person is doing.”
Regardless of whether she’s behind you, you still need to get out of hell. This is not a “we” task. You needs to focus on your own task knowing that her actions should not affect your own differentiation.

“Turning around makes it worse no matter what.”
If she is really gone, now you’re trying to get out of hell all upset instead of just confidently plodding out of there alone.

“You are *drunk* with emotion.”
If you are the type of person who knows not to make certain decisions when you are too sleepy or too intoxicated, remind yourself that states of heightened emotion are also a type of intoxication. If you can manage to restrain yourself during those other times when you know your judgement isn’t clear, then hopefully you can restrain yourself now as well.

In conclusion, “listen to your heart,” means listen to YOU. Listen to what you can do. Accept what you can and can’t control. You can’t control where Eurydice is. You can control where you are, and where you are looking.

Sometime in the summer of 2021, Spotify suggested “Walk” by Griff as a song the algorithm thought I might like. The rest was history. Every year, my Spotify Wrapped report confirms my devotion to this song, and to Griff as an artist. Griff is an artist whose connection to the emotions and stories of her family system pours out in her music. Each song is so filled with love, introspection, and hope even in her most difficult confessionals. There is hope in the insight.

“Walk” tops my list as one of the most loving songs ever written. Just put it on your favorite song streamer and walk with it. It’s so affirming. This song expresses so many things I have to say to friends, family, and certainly my clients.

This song is perfect to bring me back to posting on Therapy Jam Sessions.

It’s been a while since I posted. After a while of not communicating regularly with someone – even invisible blog readers – the pressure starts to form about what you will say when you finally resurface. The longer I waited to post something new on Therapy Jam Sessions, the more I psyched myself out. I share this because I know how relatable this is.

Certainly, life got in the way of writing. The state of the world paused me, too. For the current stressors in our community at large, I am still finding my words. That said, the most artistically honest reason for not posting in so long is that I’ve been trying to write something longer than blogs. It started with giving myself permission in 2024 to just read with no pressure to write.

Permission to just take things in with no written response other than my copious notes on Goodreads was probably one of the best things I’ve done for my creative spirit. It was me saying to myself, “all you gotta do is walk.” I read several books a week and did literature studies with a passion I never had in my college English classes. It was a great time.

My brain was getting quite full by the end of 2024. So, at the beginning of 2025, I followed the trend clients introduced me to. I gave myself just one word as my new year’s resolution: WRITER. I started writing every day in what I eventually started calling my “Sci-Fi” journal.

The imagined audience for journaling carries different vibes and objectives. Some journaling is just for you, and some journaling is a draft of words to eventually share. Journaling just for you is great to vent or vomit out an experience with no need to make sense to anyone but yourself. It’s the mental equivalent of pulling everything out of your closet. You need the pile of things out. You can sort it later.

My “Sci-Fi” journal is a different type of journal than the venting kind. It a disciplined practice to develop skills and endurance for longer forms of writing. If you can guess from its title, it’s turning into a science fiction novel set in a world that is my greatest hope for us all someday.

As I write this, I realize that in many ways this song “Walk” is also about the writing process. The lyric “all the countless times in the dead of the night you were with me when no one else could be,” makes me think of how this story has always been with me. It’s a story I made up to get through difficult times when I was younger. It’s a story that gave me enough faith in humanity to become a therapist. In ways like this, our creative expression can be like a friend to us.

I share all of this to model the pursuit of wild dreams as a grounded practice. For many reasons, there are boundaries for therapists sharing about certain personal struggles, past and present. That said, I don’t assume the same boundaries about my hopes. I assume clients benefit from generally knowing that that therapists believe we can all do amazing things.

Come to think of it, I’ll add that many psychotherapists would be burned at the stake during witch-trial times. We listen, we know things people tried to cover up. And when we reflect, and support people to do better, we disrupt the status quo. Therapy is very dangerous for powers and systems that want to go unchecked.

My normal person disguise wanted this blog to take the form of a tidy cogent listicle – never veering off course.

But, that’s not how my brain works.

And it’s not how many of your brains work either.

Since we celebrate Halloween with deep meanings about putting on and taking off disguises, I decided to let this list flow the way it wants to. We will see what comes of it.

1. “Same Old Energy” by Kiki Rockwell is quintessential “witch-pop” for the 2020s. It makes the heavy observation that even though the era of actual witch hunts is over in Europe and the US, we are still experiencing the “same old energy,” in culture, laws, and policies that attempt to demonize and control women. And yes, “witch-pop/witch-core” is a real subgenre. Some might say it is the spookier corner of “cottage-core” which takes us back to rural European life ranging in time period from Medieval to pre-industrial revolution. The pop beats incorporate more timelessly folk-ey melodies. Nature and anachronism are big in the lyrics. So, this song, written by a practicing Pagan, mixing pop beats with lyrics to create a sense of past to present circularity is “witch-pop” goals. If I was making a list of songs to perfectly fit the current “scene,” I would follow this sound. But I didn’t do that….

2. “Labour” by Paris Paloma would most likely make it onto a perfect “witch-pop” list, as well, due to its heavy cottage-core vibe and the implied witchy-ness of calling out men.  This song is so frustrated with men that I initially wondered if I would offend some clients if I ever wrote about it. My conclusion on this worry is that your reaction to this song says something important about you. The situations and the feelings depicted in this song are, sadly, very real for many people as they navigate the struggle for equity/equality. If this song does not depict your situation, you can at least applaud its accuracy for others. You can applaud yourself that this is not you and your relationship. You can laugh-out-loud at the jarring use of “weaponized incompetence” – so very on-trend. On the flip-side, if this song taps a nerve because it reflects stuff in your own life, there may be some things you need to address. Finally, a warning to the people who want to call this song absolutely “crazy,” and disregard it: you may be missing something….

3. “Kill Bill” – SZA. This is the part of the playlist where I started to expand on the “witch-pop” concept. I like a playlist that becomes an expression all its own. So while SZA’s song is vibing in its own alternative genre, it made me smile to follow “Labour” with the lyrical hook, “I might kill my ex…” Because, after a song like “Labour,” who wouldn’t be thinking it? Of course, SZA would have been burned at the stake just for saying something like that. For daring to sublimate her thoughts and feelings into an epic healing fantasy. If what I have written so far has not been any therapeutic guidance, here is something: Yes, unrealistic fantasies about harming you ex can be part of your healing process. A wildly impossible fantasy in which you are a master martial arts assassin and you kill your ex, is not a realistic plan for harm. I am not worried. If your fantasy is a metaphor for killing experiences, ideas, and emotions you want to release, it’s fine to give all that stuff the face of your ex as let it go. If you are healthily processing your emotions, soon those fantasies will get tired, and be replaced with much prettier ones.

 4. “Demons” by Doja Cat. On theme with sublimation and dark imagery to navigate through challenges, “Demons” is a good next track. If I was truly looking for the latest song that would most likely get Doja Cat burned at the stake, “Paint the Town Red” is even more provocative because it sounds more calculated than, “Demons.” The wild explosion that is “Demons” – so over the top its not to be taken seriously – is not as scary as the powerful opener to SZA’s new album, Scarlet. But I decided “Demons” first, so we are committed to “Demons,” as we are committed to the moment. Also, the DJ in me needed a change in dynamics after the first three songs. I want this playlist to be a fun listen!

 5. “W.I.T.C.H” by Devon Cole. The song’s acronym alone deserves to make it to this list: “Woman In Total Control of Herself.” Cole did create this acronym, but the song is a great way to disseminate it. It’s a jazzy, poppy, cheekily-resistant anthem about female power. It’s almost too poppy to be prototypical witch-pop, but I may be overanalyzing. This song is so youthful and playful, it may be one of the few songs on this list that might not have gotten the artist in big trouble. If she was lucky, she may have been pardoned for expressing herself, if she promised never to do it again. She may then have learned to second-guess her authenticity, and drown this voice inside her in order to survive. Thinking deeply into that, let’s remember to revive who we are once we have made it to safe shores. Stay the W.I.T.C.H. you always were and wanted to be.

 6. “Vampire” by Olivia Rodrigo. Continuing on the young-pop-artist boat, next is “Vampire” by Olivia Rodrigo. Because it’s Halloween and we are now including anything spooky. Rodrigo has neither confirmed nor denied this song being directly about former idol, Taylor Swift. But if it was not, then this poor singer needs to be more careful of who she hangs around because Taylor’s role in taking credit for many of her hits must have been devastating. If it’s not about her then that means Rodrigo had another heartache of equal or greater value recently, and that is a lot! Rodrigo would have been burned at the stake for daring to challenge the talents of the already established. Well, she has not backed down, and the drama in her music is fantastic.

 7. “Piece of Me” by Britney Spears. I wondered if I wanted to include a Britney song because I just read her entire memoir the very day it came out. But then, what contemporary musical artist has been more metaphorically “burned at the stake” by the media, tabloids, nice guy Justin Timberlake, and her family? “Piece of Me,” is a tragic pop masterpiece – especially in the context of her rocking it in 2007 amidst all her personal struggles and harassment. “Piece of Me” reflects the media obsession with her, and its absurdity. The song was an attempt to be whole and strong enough to brush off those who want a piece of her. Her newly released book, The Woman in Me, brings her full circle to achieve that goal. A truth-spewing memoir is her middle-aged version of a this artistic clap-back from her 20s.

 8. Niki Minaj’s verse from “Monster” by Kanye West. Once I decided this list could include whatever is “witch-pop” to me, I knew I would include Niki Minaj’s verses on Kanye West’s “Monster” – which is widely considered to be one of the greatest raps of all times. Even as a newcomer, Niki Minaj was so good it was rumored that West considered ditching the track because she upstages him. She would have been burned at the stake for daring to upstage the powers that be. But this was a moment of Kanye acting grown, and he allowed it, thus releasing the fire of Niki Minaj to the world. This verse is inspiration for anyone pacing around, trying to tamp down their awesomeness so as not to intimidate the established. Niki inspires us to hold back for no one. Before there was the blockbuster Barbie movie, there was this rap. It has all of the meaning and none. It’s a meditation. It’s sparkle. I have listened to it on repeat since I added it to this list. Look for the close friend she references later in this list…

 9. “Octavo Dia” by Shakira. This is perhaps one of Shakira’s most pensive and provocative songs and performances. The lyrics are imaginative and existential. She wonders what it must be like for God to create the world and return on the “eighth day/octavo dia” and see what humans have done to it, and to each other. She laments world leaders playing war games like humans are just “chess pieces/fichas de ajedrez.” So obviously these leaders would have her destroyed for this if they could. Removed from the specific politics of the time, the problems and the distress of this song are way too current. In her speech during the middle of the song, she emphasizes love as a way to break the cycle of war. The performance is centered around the Jimi Hendrix quote, “When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then we will know peace.”

10. “Diamonds” by Rihanna is next. And what I really mean to put is every Savage X Fenty fashion show. But that’s beyond what’s possible in a playlist. Rihanna is a wonderful musical artist, but she truly actualized as a businesswoman. Especially in 2018 with Savage X Fenty. Her intimate apparel company has been considered a major player in destroying Victoria’s Secret, a company by men that catered to and created women’s insecurities for decades. That is until Savage X Fenty came along and took over the market. Rather than host fashion shows parading impossible beauty standards for all but very few, Savage X Fenty shows are celebrations of music, movement, and the beauty of ALL bodies. They are also, creepy and creative; very witchy. They inspire us all to shine bright like diamonds, or whatever we want to be.

11. “Bad Girls” by MIA. The accompanying video to this song is so much more than a “hanging out with my girls in cars” scene. It was made in solidarity with the “Women to Drive” movement which is still ongoing in Saudi Arabia. Many women in this movement have put their lives on the line in effort to gain the right to drive. M.I.A.’s music is rich with perspective from her upbringing in the middle of the Sri Lankan civil war, and then as a refugee in London, raised by a single mother. Her father was so focused on his activist work he was mostly absent from her life. MIA would be burned by Xenophobes, for her activism, and for daring to reflect the negativity cast against her back into a banger of a song.

12. “Lilith”by Halsey, SUGA. Next to last, is Halsey’s “Lilith,” because I wanted a self-destructive song on this playlist and Halsey is great at those. This song struggles with balancing survival and soul. The lyrics, “the more that you give away/the more that you have/the more that you have the more that they take” echo the circular conundrum of whether or not to trust the world. They outro shows and attempt to be hopeful, repeating the idea that if you are open, then connection will come, but it keeps landing back on the idea that being vulnerable is also a way to get hurt. Like with any person in that loop, it’s normal to feel a desire to pull her out. But she’s the only one who can save herself.

13. “Girls Like Us” by Zoe Wees. Zoe Wees’ heartbreakingly raw, “Girls Like Us” ends this list. She expresses what it feels to be a girl like her: she knows she not alone, but the system often colludes to isolate her and others. Therefore, she has some trust issues. Her broken heart is her open heart. Some may be tempted to immediately call her strong and brave, but on a healing timeline, that’s premature. Strength comes with time, and with rebuilding. Strength comes after acknowledging each important part of you, and connecting all these parts together. They have to be examined carefully to connect them into strength. She and girls like her will certainly get there. And when they do, they will rise from the ashes on their own terms.

If you made it this far, I hope you enjoyed this playlist and my rationale. And I hope that you have a safe, moving, and contemplative fall.

DOSE is the acronym used to group four important chemicals for feeling good. Those chemicals are Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, and Endorphins. They are nicknamed the “Happy Chemicals,” or, for people who love alliteration: “Happy Hormones.”

Acknowledging the role of these chemicals, and how to keep them flowing, is an important part of recovery and coping for mood and anxiety issues. Talk therapy can help untangle, clarify, and plan, but for a full recovery, we have to get those happy chemicals flowing again. You need to eat, you need a sense of connection, you need sunlight, you need exercise.

There are tons of songs that reference these chemicals either just with their vibe or specifically in the lyrics. Once I realized that there were songs actually titled “Dopamine,” “Oxytocin,” “Serotonin,” and “Endorphins/Epinephrine.” I decided that each chemical gets its own blog post. And since Ciara’s song is literally titled “DOSE,” this post serves as the introduction to the whole project.

If you want to understand more about Happy Hormones, in general, here are some links for further exploration:

This article gives a brief overview of each chemical, and why we consider them all for MH care:

https://khironclinics.com/blog/the-brains-happy-chemicals-explained/

This article is a comprehensive summary of what the happy chemicals are, what it looks like when you lack them, and how to boost them naturally through your behaviors:

https://www.mindmypeelings.com/blog/daily-dose-of-happiness-chemicals

Here are some helpful YouTube explanations:

A Two-Minute Video that explains DOSE chemicals:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldPuBk7a9V4

A Ten-Minute Video that explains DOSE chemicals more in depth:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOI1mbwSspw&t=50s

Now that we have reviewed all that science, I will conclude that Ciara is relationships goals for her fabulous collaborations with so many artists. Those collaborations include: “1-2 Step” with Missy Elliot, “Oh,” with Ludacris, and “Goodies, with Petey Pablo. Her music videos usually include a crowd of people that represent her community. The video for “Dose” is a tribute to her hometown Atlanta, GA. She even includes the mayor at that time, Kiesha Lance Bottoms.

Her promotion of relationships and community is also a promotion of happiness. This is notable because as I was searching for what to include in this post, I came across this fascinating 75 year longitudinal study over about what makes people happy. I’ll spoil the conclusion for you: it’s happy relationships.

TED Talk: Good Relationships Keep Us Happier and Healthier – The results of a 75 year study on happiness:

https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness

“Be Kind,” by Halsey and Marshmello, makes me think of parents who struggle to be kind to their children. I have encountered these parents directly working as a family and early childhood therapist, as well as their shadows and ghosts in the therapy room when working with the adult children they have affected.

Failure to be kind to your child is rarely due to lack of love. It tends to come from fears, and an old belief that if you aren’t hard on a kid, they won’t be able to face the world (again with the fear). I hope this post can help parents still holding these beliefs and fears understand why it’s so important to emphasize kindness.

Early childhood specialists are now much more aware that kindness and warmth are shown to be a key factor in positive outcomes for children. Note that kindness and warmth may be expressed differently in different cultures. For example, many western cultures highly value verbal praise, whereas others show affection in different ways. Being firm and setting limits has benefits as well, but must be balanced out with positive regard. And firmness should not cross the line into frightening a child.

Though authoritarian parenting has been a common parenting philosophy and technique for centuries, and many of my clients experienced such parenting philosophies themselves: there is zero valid research that shows instilling fear, shock, and shame yields positive long-terms outcomes. There is a general consensus among early childhood experts that authoritarian parenting leads to poor outcomes for children.

Here’s a bit about why, from a neuropsychological perspective: triggering a fear, shock, or shame response causes a human to produce cortisol , a stress hormone, in their brain.

Cortisol is helpful to give you a boost if you are running from a bear, or any other situation where you need to be alert to save your life. But it is not ideal to constantly be stimulated with cortisol on a daily basis. Especially if your brain is still developing. This is because too much cortisol can upset your limbic system – the system responsible for regulating your emotions and emotional responses. Cortisol especially effects the “white matter” or myelin sheath in your brain. You can think of myelin as like the rubber coating around your electronic power cords. It helps the activity in those cords/your brain cells conduct activity smoothly. To get graphic:  when you are intensely negative with your kid, you’re like a rat nibbling at the charging cord to an electronic device. Too much nibbling on that cord is going to cause the system to short-circuit.

Sure, most of us mess up every now and then and have unkind moments with our kids. Occasional minor outbursts are not going to ruin anyone, especially if we make amends. But we need to disabuse ourselves of the idea that this is correct form.

Correct form, in most early childhood therapist’s opinions, doesn’t mean you just let your kids run wild, praising them excessively. It means that you shape their behavior a through a combination or positive regard for good behavior, limit setting, and differential attention for undesired behavior (lots of attention when they’re on the right track, less when they veer off).

If they are misbehaving you limit that behavior by taking away the enabling object, or taking away your attention by leaving the room or giving them a time out (effective when clearly, nonemotionally, and consistently given, such as in the Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) Method. You give them a clear direction and a clear boundary-setting outcome if they don’t listen and follow directions. You don’t limit-set by scaring them out of the behavior. This may work temporarily, but the toll it takes on their limbic system isn’t worth it.

If you are looking to raise emotionally intelligent, emotionally regulated, empathetic and respectful children, I encourage you to be kind to the one (s) that you love.

More Help:

If you are looking for more training as a parent about how to balance kindness with limit-setting I highly recommend exploring an evidenced based parenting practice, or elements of one, with a family therapist. Here is a comprehensive list of some of the most validated practices out there: https://www.unodc.org/documents/prevention/family-compilation.pdf

I am certified in PCIT, which is recommended for children age 2.5 – 7, but can start as early as 12 mos old. PCIT has significantly strengthened my ability to balance kindness and loving attachment skills with the clarity and firmness to set boundaries both professionally and as a parent myself.

If you are finding it is hard to control your temper with your children, I recommend you seek individual help yourself to learn some skills for your own emotional regulation. Often reactivity as a parent is passed down through generations and you may need help breaking the cycle. Parenting is tough, and you deserve support to feel proud of your ability to connect with the ones that you love.

Also Note: I’m not sure how Halsey is as a parent to her toddler. That said, she has shown kindness to her community through her activism. She has been outspoken and philanthropic about many social issues including, getting help for mental health issues, suicide prevention, feminist issues, LGBTG+ issues, climate change, and racial justice. In 2020 she launched the Black Creators Funding Initiative (BCFI) in effort to create more equity in the arts and other creative industries.

In Mitzki’s critically acclaimed song and music video, “Your Best American Girl,” she starts out feeling cute. Then, she is rebuffed in exchange for an “All-American” prototype that she doesn’t fit into. That most Americans do not fit into. True to Mitzki’s wise – though, absurd – style, she turns to herself for answers. One thing I love about Mitzki’s music and her videos is that the absurdism takes the stance: “well, what did you expect me to do?” Absurd situations are going to get absurd responses.  It’s not her that’s absurd, she’s just a thinking and feeling person living in a crazy world. Many people can relate. So much so that “Your Best American Girl,” has been listed by many music reviewers as one of the best songs of the 2010s and even the 21^st century.

The stand-out lyric for this song is the lyric, “your mother wouldn’t approve of my how my mother raised me but I do, I think I do.” In the end, the “I think I do,” changes to “I finally do.” Such a powerful recognition would be a breakthrough in therapy. In this case she has differentiated from problems in her surrounding culture in order to better connect with her family.

Mitzki and her conscientious, beautiful, everything music is such an honest reflection of American culture at this time. Beyond the catch-all “indie,” musical style, Wikipedia classified her as both “folk rock” and “art pop” – two styles that might contradict each other, yet describe her as best as anyone could. Her sound ranges anywhere from the clear melodic beauty of Joni Mitchell to the shoe-gazing chaos of My Bloody Valentine. It makes sense that she was part of the composition team for a song featured in Everything, Everywhere, All At Once.

Mitzki has been open about her identity crises/exploration, and even considered quitting music. Again, I think many Americans can relate with the feeling of just not knowing what to do with ourselves right now. “Your Best American Girl,” comes from her album Puberty II. America is going through its own adolescent reconning. We are figuring out who we really want to idolize. We are figuring out what to ignore, and what to listen to from previous generations. In this song she recognizes she couldn’t help trying to be the best American girl, but she has to define what that means for herself.

Anyway, Happy Independence Day!

This post marks my 50^th Therapy Jam Session post!

I started this blog almost 5 years ago in September 2018. For years I had wanted to start a therapy blog, but I struggled with writer’s block.

So, guess when an idea for a blog finally came to me? Two months after my first child was born. Suddenly, with less time than I have ever had in my life, I had all these ideas for posts!

Over the past five years, a lot has happened. There were bad things that took more time away: the pandemic. But there were good things too: I founded and began managing a Relationship Therapy Training program at Mary’s Center, and my family grew even more. Through it all, I never stopped thinking about what I could write for this blog. I was going to say, “I never stopped working on this blog,” but that’s not so accurate. There were many times I just had to stop writing for months because I had so many other demands. But I didn’t let go of my idea. When I couldn’t write, I listened to tons of music. From October 2020 to March 2023 I listened to all 500 of Rolling Stone’s “greatest albums of all time.” I have so much to say on that once I compile my spreadsheet….

Anyway, I set a goal and worked to get here. My specific goal right now is to get to 100 blogs, so I am half-way there as of this post. I can see my progress. I feel so much more confident in the developing value of my work. I am not sure what many other people think, but I am getting to a point where I am ready to share more widely to invite feedback and engage in conversations. I want to keep doing this work.

I have some more recently written blogs already cued up and ready to post, but I wanted this one to be more connected to marking the 50^th post. For this post, I dug into my “too shy to post” folder. The post was written by a silly former-me circa Fall 2019. I was still figuring out how Therapy Jam Sessions was going to work. Was it going to be me writing to song lyrics as if they were my clients? Was it going to be a straightforward resource link with a musical twist? Was it going to become more of an informed cultural commentary? I am still working it out, but I have a clearer vision now.

Now that I feel more secure with my work, I can have fun with past things I did when I was still figuring it out. With that whole story conveyed, here is the original post that attempts to point out how change requires lots of work. I do this through a lyrical exploration of Britney Spears’ Work B*tch:

One of my clients was realizing the other day how he had to work harder and do his part in his recovery. This is not identifying information, this is a common realization for many clients, and y’all have no idea when the other day was.

Anyway, this client was telling me how once he started putting in the work of a daily mindfulness practice and more awareness of negative thinking, and changing it to positive thinking, he was feeling much better. I was very happy for him. I did not tell him that “Work B*tch” became the session theme song in my head that day…

I fixed the lyrics though. Here they are:

 You want a calm body? You wanna love somebody?

Reach out when you need somebody?

You better THERAPY!

 Wanna stop thought meanies? Ditch the martinis?

Accept yourself in a bikini?

You better THERAPY!

 You wanna live caringly? Existential expansion?
Let go and dance?
You better THERAPY, you better THERAPY

You better THERAPY, THERAPY

Now get to THERAPY!
Now get to THERAPY!

 Interestingly these next lyrics did not need much of a rewrite. See my notes below:

THE ACTUAL BRITNEY LYRICS:

Bring it on, ring the alarm
Don’t stop now, just be the champion
Work it hard, like it’s your profession
Watch out now, cause here it comes

 I mean one part of therapy is figuring out your triggers, aka alarms, and being able to work through them…

MORE ACTUAL BRITNEY LYRICS:

Here comes the smasher, here comes the master
Here comes the big beat, big beat disaster
No time to quit now, just time to get it now
Pick up what I’m putting down
Pick up what I’m putting down

 OooOOooo it looks like someone is having a breakthrough!

 THE REST OF THE ACTUAL BRITNEY LYRICS:

Break it off, break it down
See me come and you can hear my sound
Tell somebody in your town
Spread the word, spread the word
Go call the police, go call the governor
I bring the treble, don’t mean to trouble ya’
I make the governor, call me the governor
I am the bad bitch, the bitch that you’ll never know

 I mean, therapy can often lead to necessary break offs and breakdowns. And maybe the police and the governor do need therapy. And through good therapy you can become a good police and governor of yourself.

 And here we have the serenity we were seeking in therapy:

 Hold your head high, fingers to the sky
They gonna try to try ya’, but they can’t deny ya’
Keep it moving higher, and higher
Keep it building higher, and higher
So hold your head high, fingers to the sky
Now they don’t believe ya’, but they gonna meet ya’
Keep it moving higher and higher
Keep it moving higher and higher and higher

Tracy’s Chapman’s eponymous album is one of my first memories of music. It is a masterpiece musical tapestry that pulls me into different worlds for the duration of each song. Even the songs that are heartbreaking have a haunting pull to them. She tells these stories with empathy, love, and a glimmer of hope that if we tell enough of these stories, we can change them.

By all accounts I’ve read, it seems like Chapman didn’t expect to achieve such worldwide fame when she was discovered playing at a coffee shop as a college student. Her songs were just her ideas, observations, and memories. “Fast Car” was the last song recorded for her studio album. Initially her label wanted her to cut the song down. But Chapman fought to make sure the whole story was included.  I wonder if as she was recording this song in its full authenticity, she was realizing how far she would go. The song has that energy.

35 years after Chapman’s original song was released, it is back in rotation, charting in the Billboard top 10 again, sung in new voice. A surprising at first, but not-so-surprising-once-you-think-about-it-more voice: country star, Luke Combs. Like me, Combs grew up in North Carolina. Like me, he grew up driving all around the sprawl of our state listening to “Fast Car.” And like me, it’s pretty much his favorite song.

As people celebrate this song again, it is clear how this song evokes precious formative memories for so many people around the world.  This NPR music reviewer shares more about what it’s like to hear Combs revisit this song. This song is both uniquely experienced, interpreted, and remembered, but it also unifies everyone who loves it.

As a relationship therapist, I have worked with many versions of the song’s beautifully told, tragically common story. It’s the story of family of dysfunction repeating. The “narrator” watches her mom leave. Then feels bound to make major sacrifices to help her substance-abusing father, until she realizes that her efforts are futile. In the boldness of youth, she escapes with someone who has a fast car. The chorus is jubilant. You can feel the wind in her hands, the freedom, and the release.  Then we are back to the reality that the narrator is bound again to a bleak situation. The family pattern has repeated. Her partner* is drinking and not working, just like her father. She has dreams, but no support for them. (*Note: I combed through the lyrics of each song on this album. Not a single song states the gender of any of the partners she refers to. Chapman is famously private about her personal life.)

The end of the story is up for interpretation. Two big clues towards the end are the line, “take your fast car and keep on driving.” And the final line, “leave tonight or live and die this way.” Is she singing to herself? Or is she singing to desperately reinspire her partner* to take action towards a better life? If the later, is she successful? Given Chapman’s other stories of “ride or die” relationship choices, it isn’t far-fetched that this narrator sticks with her partner. Maybe they work it out and her partner steps up.

But I like to imagine she leaves. The last verse is sung to herself. Not like I enjoy watching people break up. But I do enjoy seeing people free themselves. I like the idea that this is a story of someone breaking a cycle. In this interpretation, I like how she treats her memory depicted in the initial chorus. The memory is hers. Even if she has many bad memories with her partner after, they cannot take this happy memory away from her. In fact, she uses it as inspiration to get away from them. She does not have to block the memory just because they are in it. Eventually they fade and she remembers the most important part of the memory, “I-I had the feeling I could be someone, be someone.” In this interpretation, she drives off in here very own car.

“Epilogue”

As I was looking for a picture of Chapman to post with this blog, I found a picture attached to an article suggesting that this song was inspired by her mothers’ story.  Chapman’s parents divorced when she was a young child, and she was raised by her mother. If this song is telling her family history, it sounds like her mother broke a family cycle, and that helped Chapman to became the conscientious human and rockstar she is today.

Additional note: The picture I ended up using is from her performance heard round the world in 1988 at the Nelson Mandela 70^th Birthday Tribute. Her performance slot was bumped to a prime-time televised position when Stevie Wonder’s technology failed and he couldn’t go on.