A friend recently introduced me to Bandle – an app that invites users to play name that tune with a twist. The app introduces only one component of the song at a time. With each failed guess, the app splices in one more instrument at a time. I’m a wiz with name that tune; unfortunately, I’m abysmal at Bandle. It turns out it is staggeringly difficult to name a song listening only to the opening snippet of its base – or guitar – or drums. My love of music may be strong, but my understanding of the moving parts involved in musical composition is pedestrian at best. Enter the Tony Award sweeping play, Stereophonic.

Loosely based on the composition process behind Fleetwood Mac’s legendary album “Rumors”, this sensational show takes the audience far behind the scenes of the technical, relational, and creative process of song production. The band members – Diana, Peter, Reg, Holly and Simon — are wildly talented and emotionally flawed. Their two-person tech team – Grover and Charlie – service the musician’s many needs and become an interpretive conduit between the audience and the band as their creations form and their relationships implode.

From a creative perspective, the play is groundbreaking on many musical fronts exploring the complexity of artistic process. Many excellent reviews and podcasts are covering why Stereophonic may become a long-running classic.

From a psychological perspective, the play also breaks unusual ground. When we go behind the scenes of the band’s music, we simultaneously peer behind the scenes of Diana and Peter’s fraught relationship. Diana resents Peter’s unbreakable drive for perfection and work ethic. (But this does not hold him back.) Peter resents Diana’s pure raw if not fully exercised talent. (And his relentless criticism beats her down.) Diana begs Peter to give her the affirmation she lacks from within. Peter refuses, instead impulsively hitting Diana where it hurts. And then, as so often happens following a bitter divorce, when Peter no longer has Diana as an outlet for his rage, it explodes and poisons all of his other important relationships along with the band.

Stereophonic’s creator,David Adjmi, understands the psychology behind dysfunctional intimate relationships as well as he understand the multitude of moving parts of a song. Many pained marriages allow an abusive partner to contain their dysfunction behind the walls of the marriage. If they lose the marriage, they lose a vital emotional dam. And when the floodgates open, the collateral damage can be catastrophic.

For song lovers and relationship therapists alike, Stereophonic is a master class on music and marriage.

Come to think of it, I’ll add that many psychotherapists would be burned at the stake during witch-trial times. We listen, we know things people tried to cover up. And when we reflect, and support people to do better, we disrupt the status quo. Therapy is very dangerous for powers and systems that want to go unchecked.

My normal person disguise wanted this blog to take the form of a tidy cogent listicle – never veering off course.

But, that’s not how my brain works.

And it’s not how many of your brains work either.

Since we celebrate Halloween with deep meanings about putting on and taking off disguises, I decided to let this list flow the way it wants to. We will see what comes of it.

1. “Same Old Energy” by Kiki Rockwell is quintessential “witch-pop” for the 2020s. It makes the heavy observation that even though the era of actual witch hunts is over in Europe and the US, we are still experiencing the “same old energy,” in culture, laws, and policies that attempt to demonize and control women. And yes, “witch-pop/witch-core” is a real subgenre. Some might say it is the spookier corner of “cottage-core” which takes us back to rural European life ranging in time period from Medieval to pre-industrial revolution. The pop beats incorporate more timelessly folk-ey melodies. Nature and anachronism are big in the lyrics. So, this song, written by a practicing Pagan, mixing pop beats with lyrics to create a sense of past to present circularity is “witch-pop” goals. If I was making a list of songs to perfectly fit the current “scene,” I would follow this sound. But I didn’t do that….

2. “Labour” by Paris Paloma would most likely make it onto a perfect “witch-pop” list, as well, due to its heavy cottage-core vibe and the implied witchy-ness of calling out men.  This song is so frustrated with men that I initially wondered if I would offend some clients if I ever wrote about it. My conclusion on this worry is that your reaction to this song says something important about you. The situations and the feelings depicted in this song are, sadly, very real for many people as they navigate the struggle for equity/equality. If this song does not depict your situation, you can at least applaud its accuracy for others. You can applaud yourself that this is not you and your relationship. You can laugh-out-loud at the jarring use of “weaponized incompetence” – so very on-trend. On the flip-side, if this song taps a nerve because it reflects stuff in your own life, there may be some things you need to address. Finally, a warning to the people who want to call this song absolutely “crazy,” and disregard it: you may be missing something….

3. “Kill Bill” – SZA. This is the part of the playlist where I started to expand on the “witch-pop” concept. I like a playlist that becomes an expression all its own. So while SZA’s song is vibing in its own alternative genre, it made me smile to follow “Labour” with the lyrical hook, “I might kill my ex…” Because, after a song like “Labour,” who wouldn’t be thinking it? Of course, SZA would have been burned at the stake just for saying something like that. For daring to sublimate her thoughts and feelings into an epic healing fantasy. If what I have written so far has not been any therapeutic guidance, here is something: Yes, unrealistic fantasies about harming you ex can be part of your healing process. A wildly impossible fantasy in which you are a master martial arts assassin and you kill your ex, is not a realistic plan for harm. I am not worried. If your fantasy is a metaphor for killing experiences, ideas, and emotions you want to release, it’s fine to give all that stuff the face of your ex as let it go. If you are healthily processing your emotions, soon those fantasies will get tired, and be replaced with much prettier ones.

 4. “Demons” by Doja Cat. On theme with sublimation and dark imagery to navigate through challenges, “Demons” is a good next track. If I was truly looking for the latest song that would most likely get Doja Cat burned at the stake, “Paint the Town Red” is even more provocative because it sounds more calculated than, “Demons.” The wild explosion that is “Demons” – so over the top its not to be taken seriously – is not as scary as the powerful opener to SZA’s new album, Scarlet. But I decided “Demons” first, so we are committed to “Demons,” as we are committed to the moment. Also, the DJ in me needed a change in dynamics after the first three songs. I want this playlist to be a fun listen!

 5. “W.I.T.C.H” by Devon Cole. The song’s acronym alone deserves to make it to this list: “Woman In Total Control of Herself.” Cole did create this acronym, but the song is a great way to disseminate it. It’s a jazzy, poppy, cheekily-resistant anthem about female power. It’s almost too poppy to be prototypical witch-pop, but I may be overanalyzing. This song is so youthful and playful, it may be one of the few songs on this list that might not have gotten the artist in big trouble. If she was lucky, she may have been pardoned for expressing herself, if she promised never to do it again. She may then have learned to second-guess her authenticity, and drown this voice inside her in order to survive. Thinking deeply into that, let’s remember to revive who we are once we have made it to safe shores. Stay the W.I.T.C.H. you always were and wanted to be.

 6. “Vampire” by Olivia Rodrigo. Continuing on the young-pop-artist boat, next is “Vampire” by Olivia Rodrigo. Because it’s Halloween and we are now including anything spooky. Rodrigo has neither confirmed nor denied this song being directly about former idol, Taylor Swift. But if it was not, then this poor singer needs to be more careful of who she hangs around because Taylor’s role in taking credit for many of her hits must have been devastating. If it’s not about her then that means Rodrigo had another heartache of equal or greater value recently, and that is a lot! Rodrigo would have been burned at the stake for daring to challenge the talents of the already established. Well, she has not backed down, and the drama in her music is fantastic.

 7. “Piece of Me” by Britney Spears. I wondered if I wanted to include a Britney song because I just read her entire memoir the very day it came out. But then, what contemporary musical artist has been more metaphorically “burned at the stake” by the media, tabloids, nice guy Justin Timberlake, and her family? “Piece of Me,” is a tragic pop masterpiece – especially in the context of her rocking it in 2007 amidst all her personal struggles and harassment. “Piece of Me” reflects the media obsession with her, and its absurdity. The song was an attempt to be whole and strong enough to brush off those who want a piece of her. Her newly released book, The Woman in Me, brings her full circle to achieve that goal. A truth-spewing memoir is her middle-aged version of a this artistic clap-back from her 20s.

 8. Niki Minaj’s verse from “Monster” by Kanye West. Once I decided this list could include whatever is “witch-pop” to me, I knew I would include Niki Minaj’s verses on Kanye West’s “Monster” – which is widely considered to be one of the greatest raps of all times. Even as a newcomer, Niki Minaj was so good it was rumored that West considered ditching the track because she upstages him. She would have been burned at the stake for daring to upstage the powers that be. But this was a moment of Kanye acting grown, and he allowed it, thus releasing the fire of Niki Minaj to the world. This verse is inspiration for anyone pacing around, trying to tamp down their awesomeness so as not to intimidate the established. Niki inspires us to hold back for no one. Before there was the blockbuster Barbie movie, there was this rap. It has all of the meaning and none. It’s a meditation. It’s sparkle. I have listened to it on repeat since I added it to this list. Look for the close friend she references later in this list…

 9. “Octavo Dia” by Shakira. This is perhaps one of Shakira’s most pensive and provocative songs and performances. The lyrics are imaginative and existential. She wonders what it must be like for God to create the world and return on the “eighth day/octavo dia” and see what humans have done to it, and to each other. She laments world leaders playing war games like humans are just “chess pieces/fichas de ajedrez.” So obviously these leaders would have her destroyed for this if they could. Removed from the specific politics of the time, the problems and the distress of this song are way too current. In her speech during the middle of the song, she emphasizes love as a way to break the cycle of war. The performance is centered around the Jimi Hendrix quote, “When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then we will know peace.”

10. “Diamonds” by Rihanna is next. And what I really mean to put is every Savage X Fenty fashion show. But that’s beyond what’s possible in a playlist. Rihanna is a wonderful musical artist, but she truly actualized as a businesswoman. Especially in 2018 with Savage X Fenty. Her intimate apparel company has been considered a major player in destroying Victoria’s Secret, a company by men that catered to and created women’s insecurities for decades. That is until Savage X Fenty came along and took over the market. Rather than host fashion shows parading impossible beauty standards for all but very few, Savage X Fenty shows are celebrations of music, movement, and the beauty of ALL bodies. They are also, creepy and creative; very witchy. They inspire us all to shine bright like diamonds, or whatever we want to be.

11. “Bad Girls” by MIA. The accompanying video to this song is so much more than a “hanging out with my girls in cars” scene. It was made in solidarity with the “Women to Drive” movement which is still ongoing in Saudi Arabia. Many women in this movement have put their lives on the line in effort to gain the right to drive. M.I.A.’s music is rich with perspective from her upbringing in the middle of the Sri Lankan civil war, and then as a refugee in London, raised by a single mother. Her father was so focused on his activist work he was mostly absent from her life. MIA would be burned by Xenophobes, for her activism, and for daring to reflect the negativity cast against her back into a banger of a song.

12. “Lilith”by Halsey, SUGA. Next to last, is Halsey’s “Lilith,” because I wanted a self-destructive song on this playlist and Halsey is great at those. This song struggles with balancing survival and soul. The lyrics, “the more that you give away/the more that you have/the more that you have the more that they take” echo the circular conundrum of whether or not to trust the world. They outro shows and attempt to be hopeful, repeating the idea that if you are open, then connection will come, but it keeps landing back on the idea that being vulnerable is also a way to get hurt. Like with any person in that loop, it’s normal to feel a desire to pull her out. But she’s the only one who can save herself.

13. “Girls Like Us” by Zoe Wees. Zoe Wees’ heartbreakingly raw, “Girls Like Us” ends this list. She expresses what it feels to be a girl like her: she knows she not alone, but the system often colludes to isolate her and others. Therefore, she has some trust issues. Her broken heart is her open heart. Some may be tempted to immediately call her strong and brave, but on a healing timeline, that’s premature. Strength comes with time, and with rebuilding. Strength comes after acknowledging each important part of you, and connecting all these parts together. They have to be examined carefully to connect them into strength. She and girls like her will certainly get there. And when they do, they will rise from the ashes on their own terms.

If you made it this far, I hope you enjoyed this playlist and my rationale. And I hope that you have a safe, moving, and contemplative fall.

Sadie is a gifted, determined, Jewish mathlete making her way in a man’s world where the gamers dominating the field often embody as much toxic masculinity as the characters in their games. Sadie’s grandmother is a holocaust survivor. Sam and Marx are both half Asian. In addition to being mixed race and estranged from his biological father, Sam has a chronically ailing foot that leaves him crippled and eventually amputated. Otherness and trauma are thematic threads that bind this gaming trio.
The book is also a love letter to artists – the title itself a Shakespeare reference alluding to the artistic elements necessary to create any truly great work of art including a meaningful video game.

What makes this love story most unusual (and somewhat heartbreaking) is its focus on what it means to be professionally in love as souldmate collaborators who do not consummate a romance, but rather engage in a relationship that lives and breathes in the creative realm rather than the romantic. What does it mean to make magnificent wholly original creative work as an authentic team. What is it like to love, live and breathe the work – without consummating a romantic path? Sadie and Sam meet and befriend one another while playing video games as children in a hospital game room. And Sadie’s somewhat OCD betrayal of Sam leads to a multi-year estrangement that is interrupted when they run into one another as college students in Boston. Gaming once again brings them together. Their collaboration lasts decades and includes all sorts of slights and pain points and highs and lows that mimic the arc of a married life.

The therapist in me can’t help but root for the romance, but the book’s captivating appeal challenges conventional psychological thinking about love, marriage, careers and relationships. Gabrielle Zevin successfully tells a flourishing, memorable love story that is a true original.

The link below takes you to the National Association of Social Workers podcast, Social Work Talks, to hear our conversation. You can also download the discussion wherever you get your podcasts.

Genetics and Family Life/ NASW Social Work Talks

“Bring Me to Life” is one of my favorite karaoke songs. I don’t think I am alone in this. It is so very emotive and dramatic to perform the 2003 rendition. There are these operatic female vocals and then the male voice just gets to yell some extra stuff. The story behind this song also contains this dynamic: A beautifully inspired song principally written by and for Amy Lee, and then some disconnected male voice making demands about it.

Here is how the yelling man got added. It’s an annoying story, but with a happy ending:

For starters, many of the original lyrics were inspired by songwriter, Lee’s experience meeting the man who is now her husband. And guess what: He’s a therapist!

In interviews she tells the story of how she was trying to move on from a toxic relationship and she meets this emotionally attuned guy that inspired the lyric, “how can you see into my eyes, like open doors…”

I obviously only know this couple from what’s published on the internet, but the vibe I get from how he’s described in the bits that I can read is that their marriage is #relationship goals. They have been married since 2007 and it seems like they are still going strong. Just recently she thanked him in an Instagram Father’s Day post, “my husband Josh – who makes touring possible by being a wonderful father to Jack [their son].”  They started as a friendship and this partnership remains steady, yet supports all her artistic drama. I love that the drama of this song he inspired, the sweeping melodies and dynamic production, seems incongruent with what I imagine this relationship is actually like in the day to day. This is an example of how a steady healthy relationship supports such majestic artistic expression.

Anyway, this is a great song. Stand alone. Without the yelling man.

So why did the yelling man get added? The label made them put him on there!

Lee was an extremely talented young musician who had been writing hauntingly beautiful songs since she was a teenager. When she first developed this song, she was not trying to have some dude yelling on it. She was told by her label that as a female rock singer nobody would listen to the song without a male voice on it. (@#$%?!) They wanted her to be like a “female Linkin Park”…we’re all crying now… So that’s how Paul McCoy of the band 12 Stones ended up yelling on the track. An addition people have make fun of for decades.

Here is more on this story:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9mjwAAeKNI

I like how this video talks more about how Lee and her bandmates did fight back and were able to keep most of her and the band’s identity authentic to them

The other aggravating thing in the story of this song is how it was co-opted into the Christian Rock category with many people in the scene amplifying it as a “born again” anthem. This was not Amy Lee’s wish for the song, but the co-opting kept happening. While attending college in the bible belt, I definitely heard this song enthusiastically performed by a Christian A Capella group right before they surprised us all with a sermon.

I like how this story ends, however, …..or is brought into a new life?

In 2017 Amy Lee re-released “Bring Me to Life” with just her vocals, dropping all the excess that was making the song silly. And despite all the breakups within the band, she’s still the front woman, and she’s still with her husband.

I’m sharing this story in my post for anyone who is feeling frustrated with overbearing people, a.k.a. “Yelling Men” right now. This is a story of someone breaking away and actualizing as herself. I can only imagine what it was like for Lee, at 22, feeling so outnumbered by men as a female in music, especially the rock music industry. Feeling like she wouldn’t make it unless she gave up some of her, her music’s integrity. Being asked to just go along with things she didn’t like and not be difficult.

Now she’s older, she’s wiser, she’s a mom, she and many more women have proven themselves over and over as a musicians. And now newer alternative singers like Billie Eilish are not being told that some dude needs to yell on their songs. At least if they are, they are able give an affirmative: No, thank you!

Especially during challenging times, I hope we can remember to stay true to ourselves.

And if you want the imagery of Lee choosing to take a leap into the unknown rather than be “rescued” by the yelling dude, here’s a link to the original music video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YxaaGgTQYM

The post “Bring Me to Life” Without the Yelling Man first appeared on DC Counseling & Psychotherapy Center.]]> https://dccounselingcenter.com/bring-me-to-life-without-the-yelling-man.html/feed 0 https://dccounselingcenter.com/jill-scott-and-how-to-deal-with-haters.html https://dccounselingcenter.com/jill-scott-and-how-to-deal-with-haters.html#respond Mon, 04 Apr 2022 21:01:33 +0000 https://dccounselingcenter.com/?p=24393 We do our best to detach from people who mistreat us. That’s often a big goal in individual therapy for clients: Identify who is zapping our energy and redirect it away into the people who support us. With insight and more confidence drawing boundaries, we can get better at excusing ourselves from connections with difficult…

The Orpheus and Eurydice tale broke my heart when I first learned it in high school, and I have been in the bargaining phase of acceptance of it ever since.

It was one of the many contributors to my decision to become a relationship therapist.

I’m probably not kidding.

In short, the story is about two young lovers who are separated when Eurydice dies. Orpheus is so sad and so talented that his grieving song moves the gods to give him a chance to go to the underworld and take her back to life with him. The one condition is that on their journey back to living she must walk behind him and he cannot turn around to check on her. They are so close to making it out together, but he gives in to his doubt and turns around – separating them forever.

When I think of the story, I bargain things like: What if Hades gave them one more chance? Or maybe they needed to break up anyway and they both found happiness elsewhere? Maybe this was all a vision of things to come and Orpheus was able to correct his behavior before he made such a grave mistake?

It is very hard for me to accept that Orpheus just blew his chance at happiness with her and poof! She’s gone.

This tale has a profound meaning when we think of the more terrestrial things that desperate lovers do to ruin relationships forever. The modern Orpheus battles insecurities, so he cheats for validation. The modern Orpheus is hypervigilant for signs his partner will abandon him so he smothers his partner until the worry becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The modern Orpheus abandons his Eurydice before she can leave him.

And then there are the Orpheuses who are a little less dramatic, but slowly chip away at their loving connection through patterns of emotional reactivity. Verbal meltdowns and distancing, for example.  These are the Orpheuses who do little peeks back – flirting with the risk of losing their partner…

Wow, this is getting sad. It’s such a sad tale!

Anyway, as the audience, we can see their tragic fate could have been avoided with trust. If Orpheus has built up his trust in himself and in Eurydice, he might have been able to emotionally endure long enough to see them both out.

Yes, I’m wishing that Orpheus had talked through his plans with a therapist and created an effective cognitive and emotional safety plan. I wish Orpheus and Eurydice had met with a couple therapist before their journey out of the underworld to fortify their communication and connection during such a stressful time.

The hit Broadway musical, Hadestown, by Anaïs Mitchell hauntingly depicts this story. The lyrics in the song “Wait For Me,” and its reprise, bring to life the psychological battles that doubt creates. The characters, “the Fates,” personify our worst fears and most pernicious inner voices that can drown out the voices of those reaching out to us. In this song they attempt to overpower Eurydice’s calls to Orpheus with their questioning.

My wish for people in love is this plot can stay fictional. That by working through insecurity, we need not lose love to distrust.

If you are interested in seeing Hadestown you are in luck! It’s coming to The Kennedy Center this October!

Wait for Me (Reprise)

From the musical Hadestown

Music and Lyrics by by Anaïs Mitchell

Lyric Sample:

[HERMES, spoken]

The meanest dog you’ll ever meet

He ain’t the hound dog in the street

He bares some teeth and tears some skin

But brother, that’s the worst of him

The dog you really got to dread

Is the one that howls inside your head

It’s him whose howling drives men mad

And a mind to its undoing

[ORPHEUS and EURYDICE]

Wait for me, I’m comin’

Wait, I’m comin’ with you

Wait for me, I’m comin’ too

This post is about both Hold Me Tight by the Beatles, one of their least favorite, but still famous songs AND the groundbreaking couple therapy book Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. (Note: I chose to post the cover from the movie Across the Universe because the sound and video quality is better than the grainy Beatles recordings. Also it shows some relatable depictions of young love.)

Lyric Sample: 

It feels so right now
Hold me tight
Tell me I’m the only one
And then I might
Never be the lonely one

One of the most important reflections in Dr. Johnson’s book, and the therapy method she developed, Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), is that considering attachment is key when healing or maintaining a relationship. She rejects the idea that we can keep each other at arm’s length and rationally negotiate about complex matters of the heart.  Interestingly, the lyrics in this Beatles song are theoretically spot on. They mirror the vulnerability and the neediness explored as a centerpiece of EFT.

Hold Me Tight the book, as well as Dr. Johnson’s other books, papers, and recordings are essential tools that I often recommend to therapy clients working to improve their relationships. The book begins with an overview about how love and attachment work. With this in mind, it chronicles how our insecurities related to attachment create cycles of conflict. She uses dramatic language to share her wisdom, such as calling problematic communication patterns “demon dialogues.” With awareness about how our reactivity and fears become barriers to intimacy, Dr. Johnson then guides readers through a discussion about leaning into our vulnerabilities and needs in order to give and receive more meaningful connection.

I’m not sure what to make of how Beatles reviewers, and even Lennon and McCartney themselves, were not fans of this song. But I guess this goes along with my theory that some of the best songs ever written ironically give terrible relationship advice. With this song, perhaps the opposite is true: Maybe it’s not the best song, but the lyrics frame a respected psychological theory and communicate some important concepts about intimacy and connection.

Hold Me Tight

By John Lennon and Paul McCartney

It feels so right now
Hold me tight
Tell me I’m the only one
And then I might
Never be the lonely one

 It feels so right now
Hold me tight
Tell me I’m the only one
And then I might
Never be the lonely one

So hold (hold) me tight (me tight)
Tonight (tonight), tonight (tonight)
It’s you
You, you, you

Hold me tight
Let me go on loving you
Tonight, tonight
Making love to only you

So hold (hold) me tight (me tight)
Tonight (tonight), tonight (tonight)
It’s you
You, you, you

Don’t know
What it means to hold you tight
Being here alone tonight with you

It feels so right now
Hold me tight
Tell me I’m the only one
And then I might
Never be the lonely one

So hold (hold) me tight (me tight)
A-tonight (tonight), tonight (tonight)
It’s you
You, you, you

Don’t know
What it means to hold you tight
Being here alone tonight with you

It feels so right now
Hold me tight
Let me go on loving you
Tonight, tonight
Making love to only you

So hold (hold) a-me tight (me tight)
Tonight (tonight), tonight (tonight)
It’s you
You, you, you

Jay-Z’s song “Moment of Clarity” is a powerful example of what renowned family psychotherapist Murray Bowen calls “going home” and “doing the work” to make sense of your family system.  To thoroughly experience the song, I recommend you find his version from The Black Album on your favorite streaming platform. The variations posted on YouTube have mostly the same lyrics, but don’t include the somber depth of the original music production that was so moving when it first came out in the early 2000s. This video of him describing his process in writing the song, however, is fascinating and inspiring. This interview clip with MTV host, Sway, is like a mini therapy exploration.

While exploring the reconnection with his estranged father shortly before he died, Jay-Z echos many experiences I have heard my therapy clients discuss in terms of how  vulnerable it can feel to confront challenging family conflicts, estrangements, and stalemates.  This conversation reflects and normalizes that, as an adult, it’s your prerogative to determine who your family is, how close you want to be, and what boundaries you keep. Young Jay-Z recognizes that he didn’t owe his dad tears, and he didn’t owe his dad silence either. He is striking a balance between boundaries and outreach on his own terms, as both are psychologically important. He states, “I didn’t let him off the hook,” in expressing what it was like to be his son.

In Jay-Z’s processing I hear how confronting his family system opened up a path for forgiveness and acceptance. He acknowledges in this interview that he still has a lot of work to do. He is able to articulate vulnerabilities and defenses he is still working through. We see his progress throughout his career both through his own art and his (now) wife’s – especially in Beyonce’s masterpiece album, Lemonade, and his response 4:44.

A note on the psychotherapist reference from the beginning of this post: Dr. Murray Bowen’s family system’s theory is a foundation for most relationship therapists. To some degree, we always use it in our work. For more information visit The Bowen Center , or explore with your therapist.

Moment of Clarity

By Shawn Carter, Marshall Mathers, Luis Resto, and Steve King

Turn the music up turn the lights down I’m in my zone

 Refrain:

Thank God for granting me this
Moment of clarity, this moment of honesty
The world’ll feel my truths
My “Hard Knock Life” time my gift and a curse
I gave you volume after volume of my work so you can feel my truths
I built the Dynasty by being one of the realest [n-word]s out
Way beyond a Reasonable Doubt (Y’all can’t fill my shoes)
From my Blueprint beginnings ’til that Black Album ending
Listen close you hear what I’m about, [n-word] feel my truths

 Pop died, didn’t cry, didn’t know him that well
Between him doing heroin and me doing crack sales
With that in the egg shell standing at the tabernacle
Rather the church pretending to be hurt
Wouldn’t work, so a smirk was all on my face
Like damn that mans face was just like my face
So pop, I forgive you for all the shit that I lived through
It wasn’t all your fault homie you got caught

And to the same game I fault that Uncle Ray lost
My big brothers and so many others I saw
I’m just glad we got to see each other
Talk and re-meet each other save a place in Heaven
‘Til the next time we meet forever

 Refrain

 The music business hate me ’cause the industry ain’t make me
Hustlers and boosters embrace me and the music I be making
I dumb down for my audience and double my dollars
They criticize me for it yet they all yell “Holla”
If skills sold truth be told
I’d probably be lyrically Talib Kweli
Truthfully I want to rhyme like Common Sense (But I did five Mil)
I ain’t been rhyming like Common since

When your sense got that much in common
And you been hustling since, your inception, fuck perception
Go with what makes sense
Since I know what I’m up against
We as rappers must decide what’s most important
And I can’t help the poor if I’m one of them
So I got rich and gave back to me, that’s the win, win
So next time you see the homie and his rims spin
Just know my mind is working just like them (The rims that is)

 Refrain

 My homie Sigel’s on a tier where no tears should fall
‘Cause he was on the block where no squares get off
See in my inner circle all we do is ball
‘Til we all got triangles on our wall
He ain’t just rapping for the platinum, y’all record
I recall, ’cause I really been there before
Four scores and seven years ago prepared to flow prepare for war
I shall fear no man you don’t hear me though

These words ain’t just paired to go in one ear out the other ear, no
Yo, my balls and my word is all’s I have
What you gonna do to me? [N-word] scars’ll scab
What you gonna box me homie? I can dodge and jab
Three shots couldn’t touch me thank God for that
I’m strong enough to carry Biggie Smalls on my back
And the whole BK [n-word] holla back

Refrain

Recorded 1987

By Bill Berry, Peter Buck, Mike Mills, and Michal Stipe

Performed by REM

World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed
Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light
Feeling pretty psyched

It’s the end of the world as we know it

 (full lyrics at the end of this post)

I considered a bunch of apocalypse songs as a way to connect to the Gottman “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” which I often reference in sessions when working through problematic communication. I chose to highlight this upbeat stream of conscious song rather than something more aggressive like Nine Inch Nails’ “Survivalism,” or gothic-rock like The Cure’s “The End of the World,” because I have a hopeful outlook that once you know what patterns can lead to “doomsday” in your relationship, you may be able to prevent that from happening. Also, charming as Stipe’s emotional nonsense is in this song, more awareness can help prevent chaotic stream-of-conscious word spewing so that you can communicate more effectively.

The most important point of this post is that the Gottmans found, through extensive research, that your relationship is going to suffer hardcore (and could even end) if you and your love are engaging in any or all of the following 4 behaviors: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.

Criticism is when your complaints about a partner cross the boundary into a global negative judgement about the person or your relationship. Ex. “You never pick up after yourself,” vs. “I’m frustrated that I keep tripping over your shoes.”

Defensiveness is any form of not taking ample responsibility in a situation. This behavior can range from friendly, but problematic – such as a pattern of excuses minimizing stuff that’s actually important to the relationship – to harsh blaming.

Stonewalling is when one partner cuts off communication and emotional access to them for a significant amount of time. This is different from taking a break because you need to calm down. That break becomes stonewalling when there is no communication about when you will return to reconnect. When you are basically saying with your silence, “I only care about how I am feeling right now. I am willing to shut you out, and disregard your feelings, and I will only reconnect with you on my terms.”

Contempt is when your words or actions indicate distain for your partner. This includes any hurtful name-calling, cursing, insults, or tone that indicates lack of respect for that person as an equal.

For more explanation about these 4 horsemen:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Once you know what patterns to look for, and start working on their antidotes you can start to rebuild your relationship “house” or keep it from getting super wrecked in the first place.

Note, the idea of a relationship “house” is also a helpful Gottman term: https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-is-the-sound-relationship-house/

So, if you’re recognizing that house in the video is on a good foundation and worth the repairs, I recommend you avoid any of the following examples:

Criticism: “we can never repair this house”

Defensiveness: “it’s not my fault the house looks like this…”

Stonewalling: *running away from the house*

Contempt: “this house is a dump!”

Instead, we lean into stating clear conditions and needs: “This house needs a new structure.” “We need to clear out a lot of unnecessary things from this house.”

For more on the antidotes to the 4 Horsemen:

https://www.empowered-counseling.com/blog/2019/2/13/the-four-horseman-of-the-apocalypse

Regarding the other songs I referenced:

NIN’s “Survivalism” certainly makes me think of how some of us use these “horsemen” as armor in attempt to protect ourselves from real or perceived threats. We can often trace survival reactivity back to hurt in your family of origin. It’s scary to let your guard down and state vulnerabilities and needs. Sometimes our deeper needs hide behind the idea of, “I got my propaganda/I got revisionism/I got my violence.” The song and imagery in the video (trigger warning) depict a sense of threat and fear that often result in “horsemen:”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4lTMOmH8Dw

The Cure’s gothic-emo song reminds me of how embedded the “4 horsemen” are in norms for romance in our culture. I guess the song is open for interpretation but some of the lyrics sound suspiciously like “horsemen.”  The line “Go if you want to,” stated at the very beginning of the song sounds as if he’s trying to push the person away before there is even a chance to connect.  There seems to be a good deal of defensiveness “it’s not my fault,” “it’s not my call,” and “I couldn’t ever love you more.” And finally, there seems to be a criticism where he’s making some unfair assumptions, “you want me to cry and play my part” and, “you want me to lie to not break your heart.” If this song is really the end of their relationship, I guess he’s got to say what he needs to say to let go, but if we want to try to reconnect, we need to rework some of these statements.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jILwrdNJM1A

Full Lyrics:

That’s great, it starts with an earthquake
Birds and snakes, an aeroplane, Lenny Bruce is not afraid
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn
World serves its own needs, don’t misserve your own needs

Feed it up a knock, speed, grunt, no, strength, no
Ladder, structure clatter with fear of height, down height
Wire in a fire, represent the seven games
In a government for hire and a combat site

Left her, wasn’t coming in a hurry with the furies
Breathing down your neck
Team by team, reporters baffled, trump, tethered crop
Look at that low plane, fine then

Uh oh, overflow, population, common group
But it’ll do, save yourself, serve yourself
World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed
Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light
Feeling pretty psyched

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine

Six o’clock, TV hour, don’t get caught in foreign tower
Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn
Lock him in uniform and book burning, blood letting
Every motive escalate, automotive incinerate

Light a candle, light a motive, step down, step down
Watch a heel crush, crush, uh oh, this means no fear
Cavalier, renegade and steer clear
A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies
Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine, I feel fine

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine

The other night I tripped a nice continental drift divide
Mount St. Edelite, Leonard Bernstein
Leonid Breshnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs
Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom
You symbiotic, patriotic, slam but neck, right? Right

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine