“Do any human beings every realize life while they live it?”

I saw Thornton Wilder’s 1928 Pulitzer Prize winning play Our Town at some point during my childhood and remembered it vaguely. Mostly I remembered that the plot followed two young people in a small town falling in love and that the boy loved baseball. I recently read Ann Patchett’s new novel, Tom Lake, which centers around various productions of this play. Patchett’s novel shares Our Town’s emphasis on the theme that life happens most profoundly during our small daily moments. Reading this novel, I realized it was time to revisit the play.

My curiosity was well timed, as Kenny Leon’s production at the Ethel Barrymore Theatre opened recently though the production plans have been in the works for this ensemble since the COVID-19 pandemic. The fact that this production was, in part, conceptualized during the stay-at-home orders is interesting, given the play’s emphasis on quiet moments, stillness, and the passage of time. This is Our Town’s fifth return to Broadway.

There is so much to say about this superb production led by Jim Parson’s fearless performance as the stage manager. His take is edgy and somewhat sardonic and thus sets the stage for an unsentimental unfolding which ironically leads the audience to especially emotional and heartfelt conclusions.

The play’s three acts — Daily Life (set in 1901), Love and Marriage (set in 1904) and a final act set 9 years later in the local cemetery – unfold during a gripping 80 minutes with no intermission. The simple earnest arc of daily life makes all the characters in the small, fictional, New England town of Grover’s Corners seem vulnerable and deeply human. This play challenges us to understand that we cry during weddings and graduations and life’s grander milestones in part because we are all unbearably vulnerable. We never know what life will throw at us during the journey of the everyday small moments that define the arc of a life. If only the mysteries of the line between life and death were clearer, we might be able to learn from our loved ones who are no longer with us. And we might even see each other more lucidly and with even more compassion and love.

Reading or viewing this play would be a wonderful way to begin 2025 with renewed awe and abandon.

A friend recently introduced me to Bandle – an app that invites users to play name that tune with a twist. The app introduces only one component of the song at a time. With each failed guess, the app splices in one more instrument at a time. I’m a wiz with name that tune; unfortunately, I’m abysmal at Bandle. It turns out it is staggeringly difficult to name a song listening only to the opening snippet of its base – or guitar – or drums. My love of music may be strong, but my understanding of the moving parts involved in musical composition is pedestrian at best. Enter the Tony Award sweeping play, Stereophonic.

Loosely based on the composition process behind Fleetwood Mac’s legendary album “Rumors”, this sensational show takes the audience far behind the scenes of the technical, relational, and creative process of song production. The band members – Diana, Peter, Reg, Holly and Simon — are wildly talented and emotionally flawed. Their two-person tech team – Grover and Charlie – service the musician’s many needs and become an interpretive conduit between the audience and the band as their creations form and their relationships implode.

From a creative perspective, the play is groundbreaking on many musical fronts exploring the complexity of artistic process. Many excellent reviews and podcasts are covering why Stereophonic may become a long-running classic.

From a psychological perspective, the play also breaks unusual ground. When we go behind the scenes of the band’s music, we simultaneously peer behind the scenes of Diana and Peter’s fraught relationship. Diana resents Peter’s unbreakable drive for perfection and work ethic. (But this does not hold him back.) Peter resents Diana’s pure raw if not fully exercised talent. (And his relentless criticism beats her down.) Diana begs Peter to give her the affirmation she lacks from within. Peter refuses, instead impulsively hitting Diana where it hurts. And then, as so often happens following a bitter divorce, when Peter no longer has Diana as an outlet for his rage, it explodes and poisons all of his other important relationships along with the band.

Stereophonic’s creator,David Adjmi, understands the psychology behind dysfunctional intimate relationships as well as he understand the multitude of moving parts of a song. Many pained marriages allow an abusive partner to contain their dysfunction behind the walls of the marriage. If they lose the marriage, they lose a vital emotional dam. And when the floodgates open, the collateral damage can be catastrophic.

For song lovers and relationship therapists alike, Stereophonic is a master class on music and marriage.

The book jacket for Diary of a Mad Housewife describes the novel as “a classic of urban women’s fiction that gave a wry voice to the nascent feminist stirrings of the 1960s.” I’m not sure how I missed it on my mother’s bookshelf while growing up in the 70s, but she confirms that it was right there all along with prominent placement. This engrossing page-turner eventually became a popular Academy Award nominated film, and is full of extremes. Both hilarious and heartbreaking, Sue Kaufman’s best-selling novel paints a portrait of city life in the 1960s that demonstrates how much has changed and how much has stayed the same.

Despite how often characters telephone local shops and charge groceries to their monthly tabs, and a 200 dollar business suit described as an obscene expense, the novel reads as remarkably current. Kaufman’s take on the challenges of motherhood, identity, marriage, and sexual intimacy withstands the test of time.

We meet the novel’s protagonist, Betina (or “Teen” as her husband Jonathan calls her), when she decides to keep a diary as a fitful attempt to cope with the escalating pressures and chaos of her life as a Manhattan housewife. Betina hopes that journaling will help her make sense of her aggressive social life and growing discomfort with the family’s superficial trajectory. She knows she needs help and she finds reading as therapeutic (and comic) as journaling. D.H. Lawrence is among her comforts, as she enjoys the satirical timing while reading as her husband readies himself for bed:

“What is more, she felt she had always really disliked him. Not hate: there was no passion in it. But a profound physical dislike. Almost it seemed to her, she married him because she disliked him, in a secret, physical sort of way. But of course, she had married him really because in a mental way he attracted her and excited her. He had seemed, in some way, her master, beyond her.” I read it three times, and was going over it a forth when Jonathan came out of the bathroom and got into bed. I sat gripping the book, waiting: it was exactly the sort of ironic moment for him to propose a Roll in the Hay. It never failed.

Betina’s diary guides readers through excessive substance use, an extramarital affair, way too many taxi rides, and a slew of raucous cocktail parties that might make certain middle-aged readers feel a little bit boring! At its most depressing, the diary is testament to how easily financial success can lead families down a superficial and dismal path. But the novel’s conclusion feels modestly hopeful and alludes to the possibility that therapy can be worthwhile, even with a substandard therapist. Reading and journaling are, indeed, therapuetic, and authentic change is possible. This cheeky novel captivated readers when published in 1967, and can be healthy bibliotherapy for mothers navigating multiple relationship challenges.

Lucy Barton, a relatable and compelling underdog admired by readers everywhere, is back for a third round in Elizabeth Strout’s magnificent continuation of a journey that began in a small New York City hospital room. Fans fell in love with Lucy reading the novel showcasing her name. My Name is Lucy Barton (2016) and the engrossing follow up Anything is Possible (2017) trace Lucy’s story and those in her orbit, as they navigate illness, betrayal, abuse and love. Some of us (myself included!) were fortunate enough to see a Laura Linney embody Lucy with abandon in the critically revered Broadway show based on the book (2019).

Oh William! (2021) picks up several years later as Lucy grieves the death of her adoring second husband. Despite widowhood, it feels satisfying to learn that Lucy finally knew intimate and fulfilling romantic love. And unsurprising that Lucy’s first husband and the father of her children, William, is on his third marriage which comes to an abrupt conclusion when his much younger wife suddenly moves out along with their teenage daughter. Lucy and William’s two daughters are both grown and married, and Lucy’s literary career has continued to blossom. While William is grappling with marital abandonment and the faltering of his career, he makes the shocking discovery that he has an older half-sister living in Maine. This nod to his mother’s mysterious past pushes William to seek solace in his amicable friendship with Lucy.

Lucy and William’s dual journey through their own grief brings them together, and they decide to travel to Maine to learn more about William’s mother’s past. Oh William! carries a plethora of insightful jewels along the way. The plot looks backwards contemplating the backstory about William’s half-sister and other unexplored chapters in Lucy and William’s earlier life together. Family secrets and betrayals are contemplated, and Lucy reflects on the devastating memories of uncovering William’s infidelity years earlier:

A tulip stem inside me snapped. This is what I felt. It has stayed snapped, it never grew back. I began to write more truthfully after that.

Despite terrific professional success, the traumatic nature of Lucy’s childhood continues to define and drive her. Stroud understands this tension and continues to cultivate the inner emotional life of her protagonist, still trying to grow and understand and learn from her mistakes.

About authority: When I taught writing – which I did for many years – I talked about authority. I told the students that what was most important was the authority they went to the page with. And when I saw a photograph of Wilhelm Gerhardt in the library I thought: Oh, there is authority. I understood immediately why Catherine had fallen in love with him. It was not just his looks, it was the WAY he looked, as though he would do what he was told, but no one would ever have his soul…And – slowly – I realized this: This authority was why I had fallen in love with William. We crave authority. We do. No matter what anyone says, we crave that sense of authority. Of believing that in the presence of this person, we are safe.

Oh William! continues a memorable journey that will leave readers longing for more. I can’t wait to reconnect with Lucy when she is in her Eighties!

by Camile Yarbrough

We’ve come a long long way together
Through the hard times and the good
I have to celebrate you baby
I have to praise you like I should

 Vingette:

Sean and Selena have been together for about 7 years, they are working through surviving the pandemic and raising a toddler together. During their first session Selena complains about their main problem:

“He just compliments me too much! Every day it’s like ‘I really appreciate how you do this’, ‘thank you for doing that…’ it’s exhausting!”

SAID NO CLIENTS EVER!

In so many cases it’s the exact opposite, with varying degrees of resentment for the dearth in positive affirmations. This is such a common issue with couples I see, I feel like I have some variation of the “increase praise,” or the “Gottman 5:1” psycho-educational session, with almost every couple I see – no matter the other issues that bring them in.

I have heard several core reasons for why it’s so hard to praise as much as the relationship needs, which I totally relate with. The top 4 include:

1. I didn’t see a much praise growing up.
2. (often connected to #1) Why praise something they are supposed to do?
3. I just don’t notice anything to praise.
4. If I praise them too much they will slack off.

If any of these are ringing a bell for you, and you need me to relate even more: all of these are things I have said or thought in my past life before 10 years of intense relationship training.

Also, if this is ringing a bell, you may need to change your thinking and actions if you want to have a happier relationship. If everyone is cool with not being acknowledged, then cool (really?) But in my experience, people are not. Even when they say they are fine with minimal positive regard, they often realize they like their partner more once the affirmations rev up.

Praise is gas in the engine, money in the bank, refreshing rain. It’s the stuff that fills up your love tank after a withdrawal either from a negative interaction, or just from natural decline over time.

The Gottmans cover this in their research the found a “magic ratio” of how many positive interactions proportional to negative interactions that couples need to stay happy and connected. In short, in the worst of times it’s 5:1 (positives/negatives) and in general, it should be closer to 20:1:

The Magic Ratio: The Key to Relationship Satisfaction

Yes, it can be that simple and to radically change your relationship.

That said, this typically isn’t just a switch you can flip. Increasing praise is in many ways a mindfulness practice. It’s a practice that starts with a more positive connection with yourself that you build on each day. It’s connected to all those guided meditations on gratitude.

Here’s good 5 minute meditation that includes reflection on relationships, if you’re now inspired: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhF8vLesRRc

Praising requires awareness, vulnerability, and the bravery to overcome ingrained, possibly generationally ingrained patterns to hold back positive sharing.

Here are some quick tips (aka antidotes for anti-praise thinking) to help increase praise with your partner and any other relationships that could use some TLC:

Re: Antidotes to my Top 4 Anti-Praise Thoughts:

1. I didn’t see a much praise growing up.

Tackle this hurdle as with other growing up milestones. You are leaving your origins in search of a better life. You can retrain yourself to engage in behaviors that research now shows works best. Every time you praise, you and your heart are growing. You can think of it as a “Power Up” point if you’re into video games.

2. Why praise something they are supposed to do?

Everything we do is a choice, even if seems to be the “better” or “only” choice. Even if it really was something you were “supposed” to do, it feels good to have your effort acknowledged. Saying thank you is more about acknowledging the effort exerted rather than the choice that was made. Emptying the dishwasher is a daily task in most households, it’s also a daily exertion, so thank someone for doing that.

3. I just don’t notice anything to praise.

Thank you for your honest assertion (1). I appreciate you reading all the way through this blog to get here (2). This shows that you are very invested in learning more about how praise can improve relationships (3). I appreciate your attention to my words that connected (4). I appreciate your patience with my words that didn’t connect (5).

There: 5 affirmations. Now time for the constructive criticism: If you are not noticing anything to praise, you are not paying attention. There is always something to praise. Contrary to an outdated belief that whoever is the most critical holds the most smarts, I question the awareness of someone who cannot find the good in something. Pay more attention! You darling, wonderful, caring, inquisitive human.

4. If I praise them too much they will slack off.

Lolololol. I know, I know. It’s so irrational, but so scary. This is the type of gremlin thinking that whispers to you in the dark and is so contrary to any research in positive psychology has ever found.

Okay, I take that back, there is some research that heavily complimenting fixed traits like “you’re so smart,” “you’re so pretty,” can feel a bit awkward because that person likely doesn’t have control over those. So fine, go easy on those. But complimenting actions, that someone did with own effort is highly linked to increased feelings of motivation and positive mood.

 If you’re feeling jazzed to praise more here is a nice listacle on 7 ways to compliment your partner more: https://www.bustle.com/p/7-things-to-compliment-your-partner-on-more-often-if-you-want-your-relationship-to-last-17012331

And for fun, here are 100 positivity-boosting compliments, to get you in the mood:

https://www.verywellmind.com/positivity-boosting-compliments-1717559

Finally, a word on today’s musical “jam.”

The original “Take Yo’ Praise” and the cover “Praise You” lyrics (as it was later covered by Fatboy Slim), are deeply felt for me as a couple therapist. It’s the background music in my head for the “increase praise” sessions. These lyrics are a recipe for a happy relationship, and they are also written beyond the context of praising personal relationships. The poet and songwriter, Camille Yarbrough, wrote it inspired by the civil rights activists of the 60s and 70s. I am especially feeling this song as we come out of the COVID 19 pandemic and keep on working together towards a better world.

For voters who notice difficulty stepping away from the news, Chistopher Beha’s new novel, The Index of Self-Destructive Acts, is an absorbing diversion that fits the moment. The index itself is a real-life brainchild of the nerdy baseball statistics guru Bill James. The term references the total number of theoretically avoidable mistakes made by a team in each game. With respect to the plot, this concept symbolizes the rise in data analysis’ ability to predict outcomes – in sports and in politics. It also represents the conscious and unconscious human tendency to self-sabotage.

When we first meet protagonist Sam Waxworth, he is moving to Manhattan from Madison, Wisconsin to capitalize on his skills as a young wunderkind data dude and has taken a new job at a prestigious but struggling magazine, The Interviewer. It is 2008, post market crash, and Sam recently morphed his baseball prediction talent into perfect predictions of all of the 2008 campaign races. His number crunching success skyrockets him to fame as the pundit of the moment. The Interviewer needs a viral youth like Sam if they have any chance of surviving in the digital age, and Sam needs The Interviewer to become the legitimate success he envisions as destiny. Sam’s first assignment is to interview Frank Doyle, a legendary, now disgraced journalist and fellow baseball enthusiast who was cancelled (before that was really a thing) when he made racist remarks about President Obama during a televised interview at a Mets game.

In perhaps the most absorbing and character driven novel this year, Sam and the characters who animate his journey rationalize a litany of self-destructive acts that defy sensible explanation but seem believable in the moment. Sam’s wife Lucy follows Sam from Madison not long after his arrival and represents the character who makes relatively few self-destructive errors. Sam’s betrayal of Lucy is a drawn out spoiler, but Lucy’s supposed betrayal of Sam involves her clandestine decision to consult a psychic. In Sam’s data driven world, allowing a psychic to enter their marital equation is akin to covertly poisoning their drinking water. Psychics don’t just ignore quantifiable data, they mock it. From Sam’s perspective, Lucy’s flirtation with the data-less clairvoyance is a soul crushing transgression. But Lucy’s world is crashing down around her and she is losing all control. As she struggles to understand her present and envision her future, she finds remarkable solace in this secret rebellion that defies all reason and tangible analysis.

Lucy’s silent rebellion functions as her ultimate salvation. I cannot help but wonder if women everywhere may have secrets of their own that they may take to the ballot box to offer surprises in the coming days that reflect this novel’s trajectory. Even the best data cannot predict the private choices made in moments of isolation and desperation.

By tracing her early years of marriage, her groundbreaking work as a Rutgers law professor, her historic representation of Charles Moritz (who was denied a caregiver tax benefit on the basis of his gender), and her ability to convince the A.C.L.U. to partner with her on the case, RBG fans enjoy a heartwarming tribute to a modern day heroine.

From a psychological perspective, Ginsburg’s marriage is as interesting and inspiring as her legal triumphs. The plot celebrates Ruth and Marty Ginsburg as the quintessential modern day love story. When Marty is diagnosed with life-threatening testicular cancer, young Ruth attends all of his classes and helps him power through, all the while caring for their young daughter and maintaining her own place at the top of her class at Harvard Law School. When Marty graduates a year ahead of Ruth and has his first job at a firm in New York City, she follows him to keep the family together, even though it means she will have to graduate with a Columbia rather than a Harvard law degree. When Ruth cannot pursue her dream of working at a top law firm since none will hire her despite her overwhelming qualifications, Marty’s support is unflappable. When the two argue before the court on Charles Moritz’s behalf, their mutual respect and chemistry create an unbeatable team.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will be remembered for revolutionizing the fight for gender equality. Her professional accomplishments are unparalleled. She apparently found the film On the Basis of Sex to be historically accurate and I can’t help but imagine that she took pleasure in the film’s ability to celebrate her solid, loving, respectful marriage along with her world-changing career.

If only Nicole and Charlie had started this story with a reasonably skilled couples therapist, the film could have traced an arc of productive healing rather than familial disintegration.

Charlie loves that Nicole “makes people feel comfortable about even embarrassing things… She always knows the right thing to do when it comes to difficult family shit… She cuts all our hair… She is a mother who plays – really plays… She knows when to push me, and when to leave me alone…She’s brave… My crazy ideas are her favorite things to execute.”

Nicole loves that “Charlie is undaunted, he never lets other’s opinions or setbacks keep him from what he wants to do…. He’s energy conscious… He doesn’t look in the mirror too often… He cries easily in movies… He loves being a dad and loves all the things you’re supposed to hate like waking up at night…He’s brilliant.” Their compatible lists reflect esteem and intimacy.

The film then cuts to what appears to be couples therapy session. The office has the classic couples therapy configuration (three triangulated chairs, tired looking furniture, small windows) and the therapist-figure talks in classically therapeutic terms, asking who would like to begin by sharing the compiled list of qualities they love about each other. Viewers probably assume he is a therapist, until he mentions that the list under discussion is intended to frame a positive jumping off point for a divorce mediation process.

Nicole refuses to share her list. She is emotionally spent. Her resistance represents the typical withdrawal mode expressed by many spouses in pain. Charlie says he likes his list and wants to share it. He clarifies that he is willing to list for Nicole the many traits he loves about her, regardless of whether she plans to reciprocate. Charlie is making a classic bid for repair. He knows what the viewers have not yet discovered — he has betrayed Nicole on various levels and his list could invite a healing opportunity. An emotionally astute therapist would have invited Charlie to share the list. Unfortunately, the lame mediator (or maybe he’s an unskilled therapist about to refer them to mediation – it is not fully clear) insists that if Nicole won’t agree in advance to share, the exercise is pointless. Let the divorcing begin.

I get it, Noah Baumbach is telling a story about divorce, not reconciliation. Marriage Story won a Golden Globe and is nominated for six Academy Awards including Best Picture. But the film’s widespread praise feels psychologically misguided, because the plot chronicles the breakup of a marriage that is visibly salvageable.

Scarlett Johansson is compelling as Nicole, a former teen starlet who leaves the Hollywood hills behind to follow her husband’s creative direction in his avant garde theater company. Adam Driver is mesmerizing as Charlie, the self-absorbed, self-made genius who oozes creative integrity but has lost sight of his life partner and her need for professional growth and emotional fulfillment. Nicole and Charlie’s journey is framed by an animated supportive cast of performances who collectively demonstrate that divorce devastates families and finances and turns out to be far more stressful to navigate than most of us are socialized to understand.

Therein lies the most frustrating contradiction of this acclaimed film. Marriage Story dives deep into the nuts and bolts of the legal landscape and custody challenges to demonstrate why divorce is so painful. But it never once entertains the possibility of digging just a little bit deeper past all of the banter and bickering to try to work things out. Nicole and Charlie’s chemistry is palpable. They finish each other’s sentences and share fluid, flirtatious banter despite their marital separation. Nicole lovingly ties Charlie’s shoelace in the film’s final scene. But their divorce remains a foregone conclusion.

The problems in this marriage are real, and they are fixable. Nicole needs to reclaim her professional self and find her voice, which she does. And Charlie needs to become more flexible and make room for versions of a script that is co-authored rather than written by him. These are classic, resolvable challenges that surface during couples therapy.

By the film’s conclusion, Nicole is directing serious work and fulfilling her professional dreams. She has a boyfriend whom her mother chases around the house the way she used to affectionately chase Charlie. Charlie has relocated to Los Angeles to be near their son, Henry, and is establishing himself in LA in the very manner that Nicole initially requested. Charlie evolves to become nicer and more present and a better dad. These developments are presented to the viewer as a tale of emotional growth in the face of adversity. The takeaway being that divorce is a nightmare, but it can all work out in the end.

I’ve had the honor of helping many couples like Nicole and Charlie engage in the humbling difficult work of couples therapy. Many couples like Nicole and Charlie are able to reclaim their marriage and repair long-standing wounds. They grow on parallel tracks to those observed in Marriage Story, but they do so while remaining in their marriage and improving their relationships.

The couples I am unable to help are the ones who never shared the loads of chemistry and like-mindedness scripted so believably in Marriage Story’s opening sequence. The couples who discover they must divorce struggle with severe substance abuse, serial infidelity, clashing values and sexual incompatibility.

Furthermore, many clients I work with in individual therapy admit that if they knew how painful it would be to divorce, and how difficult the ongoing challenges, they would have tried harder to sift through the wreckage and work things out in their marriage while they had the chance.
Experts now predict that the divorce rate has dropped from about 50 percent down to 38 percent. However, the divorce rate for second marriages continues to be higher than the divorce rate for first marriages, hovering at about 67 percent. Divorce rarely solves relational patterns. Most of the difficulties faced in one marriage will surface in the next one, either as an exact replica of the prior dilemma or as the flip side of the same psychological coin. For example, if a spouse is unfaithful in her first marriage and does not make the time to work out why she strayed, she is likely to repeat this pattern of infidelity in marriage number two. Alternatively, she might marry someone who will cheat on her so the pattern is the same but the roles are reversed.

When Charlie eventually stumbles upon a piece of paper outlining Nicole’s list of reasons she loves Charlie, I can’t help but wonder if Baumbach is asking himself the same question about the flawed and psychologically incomplete message of this story of a marriage.

The film opens as Tony Vallelonga (a convincing Viggo Mortensen) gets into an impulsive brawl and loses his job as a bouncer in a local club. When Don (played meticulously by Mahershala Ali), an eccentric musical prodigy, offers Tony a job as his driver, he communicates a list of conditions about the possible job. It initially must include laundering and ironing Don’s scrupulous wardrobe, but Tony sets a quick boundary explaining that such typical woman’s work will not be an option. He demands more money, turns down the job, and marches out of Don’s extravagantly appointed home. Undeterred, Don telephones the Vallelonga household and Tony answers the phone. Don asks to speak with Delores, and a brief exchange unfolds. Don respectfully thanks Delores for allowing her husband to spend eight weeks on the road with him, and meets all of Tony’s conditions. Don and Delores don’t bother consult with Tony; they agree in solidarity that Tony will take this job.

The couple exchange goodbye kisses and hugs, and Delores makes it clear that she expects Tony to write to her at each local tour stop. Tony resists, explaining that he won’t know what to say. Delores insists and points out that mail is less expensive than a long distance phone call. As Tony departs, Delores tells Tony that if he is not home for Christmas Eve dinner, he should not bother coming home at all. The two lovingly embrace, and Tony hits the road.

Predictable racial tensions are explored at each gig on the tour. But the quiet moments during which Tony attempts to write to Delores frame the narrative. He knows he wants to sign each letter “ps. Kiss the kids”. But Tony is otherwise at a loss for words. In classic Cyrano de Bergerac style, Don synthesizes Tony’s quirky personality into exquisite, poetic prose. He fills in Tony’s awkward blanks with heartfelt, magical descriptions of the trip. He channels Tony, but finesses the language just enough to remain remotely plausible, professing his love and longing to reunite with his beloved.

Regardless of whether this particular dimension of the story is true to history, it demonstrates the drawbacks and potential of long distance relationships that have grown more common in today’s modern era. More and more mothers work outside of the home and a growing number of families include two members must who prioritize their career. Long distance marriages and marriages that involve frequent travel have become commonplace. Especially in Washington, DC where I practice as a couples therapist.

The two months that Tony is away from his wife and children strain the marriage. But Tony’s letters shift the dynamic and elevate the dialogue. It matters less that Don is the one writing the letters and more that Tony is carving out the time to do something that makes him uncomfortable. His willingness to try something new allows the couple to connect on a deeper level. Don’s genius flows through Tony with a layer of sentiment that is true to both men and to Tony’s marital love. When the couple reunites, they seem to have grown closer through this new compartment of their union. They have improved their ability to balance separateness and togetherness and matured emotionally along this journey.

Planned check-ins:

Whether it’s daily, weekly, or annually – and ideally all three in some capacity – couples who are in it for the long and happy haul make a habit of checking in as needed and also as planned. Planned check ins are times when both are mentally prepared to provide each other and the issues the space they need to explore, resolve, and plan. One couple I know even has an annual “State of the Union Conference” where they rent a hotel room and have a “conference” at the hotel bar to check in and make plans for the coming year.

Mindful approach to meeting milestones:

I would not say that couples in it for the long haul don’t rush to make big decisions such as moving in together, getting married, and having a child. “Rushing” is a relative concept. One person’s “rushing” can be another person’s “taking too long.” A compatible and connected couple can follow whatever timeline makes sense to them, and they are mindful in their processing. One couple may make a mindful decision to get married after a year of dating, whereas another couple may make a mindful decision to wait. Couples in it for the long haul keep their anxieties in check and make important decisions about their relationship from a place of joy and rationality, rather than insecurity and desperation.

Elisabeth also shared an insight about lasting relationshs —

Emotional Maturity:

Couples in satisfying, lasting marriages tend to be emotionally mature. They are able to balance separateness and togetherness. They can enjoy feeling close to each other but are also able to feel satisfied and fulfilled in the separate dimensions of their lives. Because these marriages are more emotionally mature, they tend to be less volatile and less reactive. Instead of volatility, partners in fulfilling marriages that go the distance demonstrate a willingness to own their role in a disagreement and they do not jockey to be right and win each and every argument. Because they are more emotionally mature and able to enjoy being intimate and being separate, they tend to communicate in a mature style that leads to less drama and greater connection. They are less likely to blame and are willing to focus on how they can improve an adverse situation. As a couples therapist, it is incredibly satisfying to help couples work to become more emotionally mature in order to deepen their connection and improve their marriage.