Last weekend, at a friend’s suggestion, my husband and I watched the 2013 film The Lunchbox—a surprisingly moving and unexpected love story that unfolds through something almost quaint by today’s standards: handwritten notes.

The premise is simple and quietly heartbreaking. Ila (Nimrat Kaur) wants to recapture her husband’s dwindling attention. Sensing they’ve fallen into a rut, she hopes that elevating his daily lunch—once routine, now carefully spiced and lovingly prepared—might awaken his affection.

The film is shot on location in Mumbai, where the city’s legendary dabbyawallas deliver fresh, homemade lunches from household kitchens to offices across the city through an astonishingly precise delivery system. In a rare error, Ila’s lunch is mistakenly delivered not to her husband, but to Mr. Fernandes (Irrfan Khan), an older, isolated widower nearing retirement after more than thirty years as an insurance claims officer. His work is methodical, lonely, and as monotonous as his personal life.

When Ila’s husband complains about “her” cooking—which is actually the mediocre takeout Mr. Fernandes typically receives—Ila realizes her lovingly prepared meals are landing in the wrong hands. She slips a note into the lunch container to explain. When Mr. Fernandes replies, a tender and witty correspondence begins. Over time, the two strangers become confidants, sharing longings, disappointments, and the small details of their inner lives.

(With today’s explosion of food delivery apps and single-use plastic, the dabbawallas’ clean, reusable metal lunch containers feel like characters in their own right—and a quiet, compelling alternative vision of care and sustainability. But that may be another movie, or at least another conversation.)

The Lunchbox understands that loneliness is a disease of both heart and soul—and that it can exist both inside and outside of a romantic partnership. Ila’s aunt insists that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and the film plays gently with this idea. Ultimately, though, it is the written word—not the food—that becomes the most loving gesture of all.

There is something deeply nostalgic about how true the film feels. It reminds us that not so long ago, writing—slow, intentional, written by human hands—was a primary way we reached for one another. In a world now dominated by instant, disposable messages, The Lunchbox offers a quiet reminder: being seen, named, and responded to may be the most sustaining nourishment of all.

“Do any human beings every realize life while they live it?”

I saw Thornton Wilder’s 1928 Pulitzer Prize winning play Our Town at some point during my childhood and remembered it vaguely. Mostly I remembered that the plot followed two young people in a small town falling in love and that the boy loved baseball. I recently read Ann Patchett’s new novel, Tom Lake, which centers around various productions of this play. Patchett’s novel shares Our Town’s emphasis on the theme that life happens most profoundly during our small daily moments. Reading this novel, I realized it was time to revisit the play.

My curiosity was well timed, as Kenny Leon’s production at the Ethel Barrymore Theatre opened recently though the production plans have been in the works for this ensemble since the COVID-19 pandemic. The fact that this production was, in part, conceptualized during the stay-at-home orders is interesting, given the play’s emphasis on quiet moments, stillness, and the passage of time. This is Our Town’s fifth return to Broadway.

There is so much to say about this superb production led by Jim Parson’s fearless performance as the stage manager. His take is edgy and somewhat sardonic and thus sets the stage for an unsentimental unfolding which ironically leads the audience to especially emotional and heartfelt conclusions.

The play’s three acts — Daily Life (set in 1901), Love and Marriage (set in 1904) and a final act set 9 years later in the local cemetery – unfold during a gripping 80 minutes with no intermission. The simple earnest arc of daily life makes all the characters in the small, fictional, New England town of Grover’s Corners seem vulnerable and deeply human. This play challenges us to understand that we cry during weddings and graduations and life’s grander milestones in part because we are all unbearably vulnerable. We never know what life will throw at us during the journey of the everyday small moments that define the arc of a life. If only the mysteries of the line between life and death were clearer, we might be able to learn from our loved ones who are no longer with us. And we might even see each other more lucidly and with even more compassion and love.

Reading or viewing this play would be a wonderful way to begin 2025 with renewed awe and abandon.

Ann Patchett’s 2023 novel, Tom Lake, is a relationally-oriented therapist’s dream. A love letter both to northern Michigan’s cherry farms and to small-town family life, Patchett’s novel unpacks how greater emotional maturity is conducive to choosing healthier, more sustainable romantic partnerships.

The novel begins during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic while protagonist Lara is quarantining with her three daughters and her husband on their cherry farm in northern Michigan. With the world at a standstill, Lara’s daughters insist that she finally share with them the story from her early adulthood when she dated a young actor who went on to become the world’s most famous movie star. Lara’s three daughters worship the devastatingly handsome Peter Duke and demand that their mother finally give them the backstory. Reluctantly, and with strict and entertaining boundaries, Lara agrees.

What unfolds is a moving tale of a young, innocent and unassuming girl plucked from small town life in part because of her uncanny ability to portray small-town life through her performance in the lead role (Emily) in various productions of Thornton Wilder’s classic play Our Town. Lara’s youthful whirlwind romance with Duke is a classic Hollywood tale of innocence lost and how the spotlight of fame corrupts and contorts. Tom Lake’s plot toggles between Lara’s quarantine with her close-knit family and the complexities of life on the farm and Lara’s detailed description of her years as a young, unsuspecting, aspiring starlet. Heartache, sibling rivalry, and family love are concurrent themes, and Our Town’s cherishment of the wholesomeness of small-town life works as a convincing psychological template for emotional maturity and the beauty of healthy choices and a quiet, connected, authentic life.

The late Shirley Glass, a prominent infidelity researcher, encouraged an ideal script at the outset. Her suggestion is that when a married person notices a spark with another, it is highly advisable to discuss this spark with one’s spouse. To say something like:

“I was having coffee with Lucy today and I felt surprised that our conversation quickly became both personal and flirtatious. I was also surprised that I enjoyed it. It reminded me of how you and I used to be with one another, and I want to try to get that back. Can we work on that?”

If only more married adults chose to run this script.

Elizabeth Stroud’s latest novel, Tell Me Everything, is one of her very best. In a showcase that feels something like a finale, she allows her beloved, previously unacquainted characters from her various critically acclaimed series to intersect and collide with one another in the small town of Crosby, Maine. Set during the later part of the pandemic, the novel begins with the meek, brilliant novelist Lucy Barton having recently befriended the angsty attorney Bob Burgess. The friendship has become romantic, though Lucy and Bob remain in denial of their palpable romantic spark. They believe they are good friends and insist their frequent walks are covid-friendly and purely platonic. Quirky local fixture Olive Kitteridge (of Stroud’s Pulitzer Prize winning novel of the same name) understands the blossoming romance between Lucy and Bob and easily sees straight through their blind spots. Olive’s friendships with Lucy and Bob animate the novel as does the plot’s unfolding murder mystery.

Stroud understands that intimate life happens in the small quiet moments rather than the large romantic gestures. Lucy and Bob cherish their deep unfiltered conversations. Lucy calls Bob a sin eater because she understands that Bob has sacrificed to much for others, especially his older brother. Lucy opens up about her impoverished and abusive childhood:

“But I don’t remember feeling envious a lot, Bob, and I don’t understand that. You would think, I would think, that I would have been envious of people from the start, all these mothers who seemed to love their children as they picked them up from school, all those kids who seemed to have normal lives, but I just somehow understood: That’s not my life. And I was always inside my head, and I remember thinking: I’m glad this is my head.”

Even Bob’s bad haircut illuminates the intricacy and hilarity of the human connection. He and Lucy both agree that it makes him look like a twelve-year-old with a man’s face, and their dual experiences of this unfortunate new style represent their powerful connection and the unexpected path forward.

Bob loves his wife, the minister of their local church. And Lucy loves her ex-husband William. Lucy and William reconnected during the pandemic and are giving it another go. Despite these satisfying unions, the chemistry fueling Lucy and Bob’s conversations anchor the plot and transfix these two central characters.

Emotional repairs, infidelity, betrayal, sexual abuse, neglect, isolation, therapy and memory are all important themes explored with rich emotional intelligence. And yet, as a therapist, what stays with me most about this beautiful story is its exploration of the road not taken.

The authenticity and simplicity of these lyrics and the video caught me today. Like with many songs on this blog, the words and emotion feel like I’m communicating directly with a client. They echo what I’ve heard clients express to me over the years, and especially these past years. I feel a lump welling in my throat as I think about the love and the stories I have heard while processing grief these past years. The song starts, “I thought I’d only be a moment…but it’s like a landslide of emotion…everyday” and every lyric after details the outpouring of emotion and ups and downs of living without someone who was important to you.

Another lyric that caught me is that the feeling is, “not something that just fades overnight it’s something that stays for the rest of your life.” Many clients have expressed that this is a bittersweet way of keeping their love for that person. The process she describes indicates that she’s never fully healed back to the way she was before. This makes me think of a line the 13^th century Persian poet Rumi that is often quoted by grief and trauma therapists: “The wound is where the light enters you.” There is a lot of meaning to be gleaned from that line. In therapy it generally means that we support a journey through grief and trauma that connects us to a deeper experience of humanity.  With our hearts this raw and bare from pain we let in more insight, we let in more love.

If you need more support as you process grief and trauma here are a few more resources.

For more reflection on the Rumi quote:

https://medium.com/invisible-illness/the-wound-is-where-the-light-enters-you-c5328744417e

For a comprehensive network of resources on grief:

https://grief.com

For a collection of helpful articles on grief, especially different types of grief:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

For a link to a list of 64 things about grief that my clients have found helpful:

https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-things-about-grief/

If you enjoyed the artist, Nina Nesbit, she will be performing at the Filmore in Silver Spring in May 2022:

https://www.ninanesbittmusic.com/tour/

When you Lose Someone

By Nina Nesbitt

Full Lyrics:

I thought it’d only be a moment
Like a night of summer rain
But it’s like a landslide of emotion
Everyday

I’ve been trying to recover
I put you to the back of my brain
Now I’m just to remember you
In the best way

Refrain:

I go from feeling numb to feeling everything at once
And don’t know if I
Wanna cry, one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn
Is how to lose someone

First, you don’t have the words
It’s the kinda flame you don’t see ’til it burns
Then it hurts ’til it eats you alive
Changes you forever in the blink of an eye
And it’s not something that just fades overnight
It’s something that stays for the rest of your life
When you lose somebody you love
When you lose somebody you love

It comes and goes like it’s a season
But the clouds are always grey
And late at night when I’m alone with my thoughts
It feels like a Ferrari racing (on and on)

Refrain repeats

The Orpheus and Eurydice tale broke my heart when I first learned it in high school, and I have been in the bargaining phase of acceptance of it ever since.

It was one of the many contributors to my decision to become a relationship therapist.

I’m probably not kidding.

In short, the story is about two young lovers who are separated when Eurydice dies. Orpheus is so sad and so talented that his grieving song moves the gods to give him a chance to go to the underworld and take her back to life with him. The one condition is that on their journey back to living she must walk behind him and he cannot turn around to check on her. They are so close to making it out together, but he gives in to his doubt and turns around – separating them forever.

When I think of the story, I bargain things like: What if Hades gave them one more chance? Or maybe they needed to break up anyway and they both found happiness elsewhere? Maybe this was all a vision of things to come and Orpheus was able to correct his behavior before he made such a grave mistake?

It is very hard for me to accept that Orpheus just blew his chance at happiness with her and poof! She’s gone.

This tale has a profound meaning when we think of the more terrestrial things that desperate lovers do to ruin relationships forever. The modern Orpheus battles insecurities, so he cheats for validation. The modern Orpheus is hypervigilant for signs his partner will abandon him so he smothers his partner until the worry becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The modern Orpheus abandons his Eurydice before she can leave him.

And then there are the Orpheuses who are a little less dramatic, but slowly chip away at their loving connection through patterns of emotional reactivity. Verbal meltdowns and distancing, for example.  These are the Orpheuses who do little peeks back – flirting with the risk of losing their partner…

Wow, this is getting sad. It’s such a sad tale!

Anyway, as the audience, we can see their tragic fate could have been avoided with trust. If Orpheus has built up his trust in himself and in Eurydice, he might have been able to emotionally endure long enough to see them both out.

Yes, I’m wishing that Orpheus had talked through his plans with a therapist and created an effective cognitive and emotional safety plan. I wish Orpheus and Eurydice had met with a couple therapist before their journey out of the underworld to fortify their communication and connection during such a stressful time.

The hit Broadway musical, Hadestown, by Anaïs Mitchell hauntingly depicts this story. The lyrics in the song “Wait For Me,” and its reprise, bring to life the psychological battles that doubt creates. The characters, “the Fates,” personify our worst fears and most pernicious inner voices that can drown out the voices of those reaching out to us. In this song they attempt to overpower Eurydice’s calls to Orpheus with their questioning.

My wish for people in love is this plot can stay fictional. That by working through insecurity, we need not lose love to distrust.

If you are interested in seeing Hadestown you are in luck! It’s coming to The Kennedy Center this October!

Wait for Me (Reprise)

From the musical Hadestown

Music and Lyrics by by Anaïs Mitchell

Lyric Sample:

[HERMES, spoken]

The meanest dog you’ll ever meet

He ain’t the hound dog in the street

He bares some teeth and tears some skin

But brother, that’s the worst of him

The dog you really got to dread

Is the one that howls inside your head

It’s him whose howling drives men mad

And a mind to its undoing

[ORPHEUS and EURYDICE]

Wait for me, I’m comin’

Wait, I’m comin’ with you

Wait for me, I’m comin’ too

This post is about both Hold Me Tight by the Beatles, one of their least favorite, but still famous songs AND the groundbreaking couple therapy book Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. (Note: I chose to post the cover from the movie Across the Universe because the sound and video quality is better than the grainy Beatles recordings. Also it shows some relatable depictions of young love.)

Lyric Sample: 

It feels so right now
Hold me tight
Tell me I’m the only one
And then I might
Never be the lonely one

One of the most important reflections in Dr. Johnson’s book, and the therapy method she developed, Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), is that considering attachment is key when healing or maintaining a relationship. She rejects the idea that we can keep each other at arm’s length and rationally negotiate about complex matters of the heart.  Interestingly, the lyrics in this Beatles song are theoretically spot on. They mirror the vulnerability and the neediness explored as a centerpiece of EFT.

Hold Me Tight the book, as well as Dr. Johnson’s other books, papers, and recordings are essential tools that I often recommend to therapy clients working to improve their relationships. The book begins with an overview about how love and attachment work. With this in mind, it chronicles how our insecurities related to attachment create cycles of conflict. She uses dramatic language to share her wisdom, such as calling problematic communication patterns “demon dialogues.” With awareness about how our reactivity and fears become barriers to intimacy, Dr. Johnson then guides readers through a discussion about leaning into our vulnerabilities and needs in order to give and receive more meaningful connection.

I’m not sure what to make of how Beatles reviewers, and even Lennon and McCartney themselves, were not fans of this song. But I guess this goes along with my theory that some of the best songs ever written ironically give terrible relationship advice. With this song, perhaps the opposite is true: Maybe it’s not the best song, but the lyrics frame a respected psychological theory and communicate some important concepts about intimacy and connection.

Hold Me Tight

By John Lennon and Paul McCartney

It feels so right now
Hold me tight
Tell me I’m the only one
And then I might
Never be the lonely one

 It feels so right now
Hold me tight
Tell me I’m the only one
And then I might
Never be the lonely one

So hold (hold) me tight (me tight)
Tonight (tonight), tonight (tonight)
It’s you
You, you, you

Hold me tight
Let me go on loving you
Tonight, tonight
Making love to only you

So hold (hold) me tight (me tight)
Tonight (tonight), tonight (tonight)
It’s you
You, you, you

Don’t know
What it means to hold you tight
Being here alone tonight with you

It feels so right now
Hold me tight
Tell me I’m the only one
And then I might
Never be the lonely one

So hold (hold) me tight (me tight)
A-tonight (tonight), tonight (tonight)
It’s you
You, you, you

Don’t know
What it means to hold you tight
Being here alone tonight with you

It feels so right now
Hold me tight
Let me go on loving you
Tonight, tonight
Making love to only you

So hold (hold) a-me tight (me tight)
Tonight (tonight), tonight (tonight)
It’s you
You, you, you

Recorded 1987

By Bill Berry, Peter Buck, Mike Mills, and Michal Stipe

Performed by REM

World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed
Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light
Feeling pretty psyched

It’s the end of the world as we know it

 (full lyrics at the end of this post)

I considered a bunch of apocalypse songs as a way to connect to the Gottman “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” which I often reference in sessions when working through problematic communication. I chose to highlight this upbeat stream of conscious song rather than something more aggressive like Nine Inch Nails’ “Survivalism,” or gothic-rock like The Cure’s “The End of the World,” because I have a hopeful outlook that once you know what patterns can lead to “doomsday” in your relationship, you may be able to prevent that from happening. Also, charming as Stipe’s emotional nonsense is in this song, more awareness can help prevent chaotic stream-of-conscious word spewing so that you can communicate more effectively.

The most important point of this post is that the Gottmans found, through extensive research, that your relationship is going to suffer hardcore (and could even end) if you and your love are engaging in any or all of the following 4 behaviors: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.

Criticism is when your complaints about a partner cross the boundary into a global negative judgement about the person or your relationship. Ex. “You never pick up after yourself,” vs. “I’m frustrated that I keep tripping over your shoes.”

Defensiveness is any form of not taking ample responsibility in a situation. This behavior can range from friendly, but problematic – such as a pattern of excuses minimizing stuff that’s actually important to the relationship – to harsh blaming.

Stonewalling is when one partner cuts off communication and emotional access to them for a significant amount of time. This is different from taking a break because you need to calm down. That break becomes stonewalling when there is no communication about when you will return to reconnect. When you are basically saying with your silence, “I only care about how I am feeling right now. I am willing to shut you out, and disregard your feelings, and I will only reconnect with you on my terms.”

Contempt is when your words or actions indicate distain for your partner. This includes any hurtful name-calling, cursing, insults, or tone that indicates lack of respect for that person as an equal.

For more explanation about these 4 horsemen:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Once you know what patterns to look for, and start working on their antidotes you can start to rebuild your relationship “house” or keep it from getting super wrecked in the first place.

Note, the idea of a relationship “house” is also a helpful Gottman term: https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-is-the-sound-relationship-house/

So, if you’re recognizing that house in the video is on a good foundation and worth the repairs, I recommend you avoid any of the following examples:

Criticism: “we can never repair this house”

Defensiveness: “it’s not my fault the house looks like this…”

Stonewalling: *running away from the house*

Contempt: “this house is a dump!”

Instead, we lean into stating clear conditions and needs: “This house needs a new structure.” “We need to clear out a lot of unnecessary things from this house.”

For more on the antidotes to the 4 Horsemen:

https://www.empowered-counseling.com/blog/2019/2/13/the-four-horseman-of-the-apocalypse

Regarding the other songs I referenced:

NIN’s “Survivalism” certainly makes me think of how some of us use these “horsemen” as armor in attempt to protect ourselves from real or perceived threats. We can often trace survival reactivity back to hurt in your family of origin. It’s scary to let your guard down and state vulnerabilities and needs. Sometimes our deeper needs hide behind the idea of, “I got my propaganda/I got revisionism/I got my violence.” The song and imagery in the video (trigger warning) depict a sense of threat and fear that often result in “horsemen:”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4lTMOmH8Dw

The Cure’s gothic-emo song reminds me of how embedded the “4 horsemen” are in norms for romance in our culture. I guess the song is open for interpretation but some of the lyrics sound suspiciously like “horsemen.”  The line “Go if you want to,” stated at the very beginning of the song sounds as if he’s trying to push the person away before there is even a chance to connect.  There seems to be a good deal of defensiveness “it’s not my fault,” “it’s not my call,” and “I couldn’t ever love you more.” And finally, there seems to be a criticism where he’s making some unfair assumptions, “you want me to cry and play my part” and, “you want me to lie to not break your heart.” If this song is really the end of their relationship, I guess he’s got to say what he needs to say to let go, but if we want to try to reconnect, we need to rework some of these statements.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jILwrdNJM1A

Full Lyrics:

That’s great, it starts with an earthquake
Birds and snakes, an aeroplane, Lenny Bruce is not afraid
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn
World serves its own needs, don’t misserve your own needs

Feed it up a knock, speed, grunt, no, strength, no
Ladder, structure clatter with fear of height, down height
Wire in a fire, represent the seven games
In a government for hire and a combat site

Left her, wasn’t coming in a hurry with the furies
Breathing down your neck
Team by team, reporters baffled, trump, tethered crop
Look at that low plane, fine then

Uh oh, overflow, population, common group
But it’ll do, save yourself, serve yourself
World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed
Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light
Feeling pretty psyched

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine

Six o’clock, TV hour, don’t get caught in foreign tower
Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn
Lock him in uniform and book burning, blood letting
Every motive escalate, automotive incinerate

Light a candle, light a motive, step down, step down
Watch a heel crush, crush, uh oh, this means no fear
Cavalier, renegade and steer clear
A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies
Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine, I feel fine

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine

The other night I tripped a nice continental drift divide
Mount St. Edelite, Leonard Bernstein
Leonid Breshnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs
Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom
You symbiotic, patriotic, slam but neck, right? Right

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine

By Al Cleveland, Renaldo Benson, and Marvin Gaye

You know we’ve got to find a way

To bring some lovin’ here today

 (full lyrics at the end of this post)

In 1971 Marvin Gaye released the hauntingly beautiful song “What’s Going On” in response to the police brutality, inequality, and suffering he was witnessing and experiencing. 40 years later we are still desperate to have productive conversations about, and find solutions to, “What’s Going On”

Gaye’s stance is similar to how many relationship therapists respond to conflict. A perspective of earnest reflection, curiosity, and hope that we can lean into the heart of the issue to resolve things through love and understanding. Whether or not it was Gaye’s intention for this work to become such a powerful activist song, it’s impact upon release was certainly inevitable. I’d like to think that, just as with powerful artistic expression, powerfully healing therapy is a form of protest and activism. When we heal individuals, and then family systems, we then have stronger connections to support the greater good.

Especially over the past year, I have been thinking about how antiracism/dismantling white supremacy work is also a therapeutic differentiation task. Antiracists work to figure out who they are and what they stand for in the context of moving forward from a historically racist society. Just as with differentiating from your family, whom you cannot completely cut off, you cannot completely cut off the part of you that grew up in a racist society.

If you need a review on differentiation here is a summary from the Bowen Institute:

https://www.thebowencenter.org/differentiation-of-self

One article that I have been exploring with myself, colleagues, and clients repeatedly over the past year is Tema Okun and colleagues’ 1999 article outlining 15 characteristics of white supremacy culture and their antidotes: http://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/uploads/4/3/5/7/43579015/okun_-_white_sup_culture_2020.pdf

A website dedicated to this article and further education just launched this month (May 2021):

http://www.whitesupremacyculture.info

Reviewing the characteristics Okun and colleagues’ work reflects has been like a Bowenian “going home” task where you look carefully at the dynamics within which you were brought up, how they are still affecting you, and how you are still playing them out. The article was written primarily addressing “organizations,” which I assume to mean larger systems such as places of work, education, and social services. But I think these characteristics are also significantly at play when we see suffering in more personal relationship dynamics.

I encourage families to read through the explanations of the 15 characteristics Tema and colleagues describe keeping their close relationships in mind. Do you see these playing out between each other?

Now that we have some more careful reflections about “What’s Going On,” how can we use the suggested antidotes to turn towards more loving connections?

Full Lyrics:

Mother, mother
There’s too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There’s far too many of you dying
You know we’ve got to find a way
To bring some lovin’ here today, eh eh

Father, father
We don’t need to escalate
You see, war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate
You know we’ve got to find a way
To bring some lovin’ here today, oh oh oh

Picket lines and picket signs
Don’t punish me with brutality
Talk to me, so you can see
Oh, what’s going on
What’s going on
Yeah, what’s going on
Ah, what’s going on

In the mean time
Right on, baby
Right on brother
Right on babe

Mother, mother, everybody thinks we’re wrong
Oh, but who are they to judge us
Simply ’cause our hair is long
Oh, you…

I’m a mess, I’m a loser
I’m a hater, I’m a user
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new
I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed
I don’t trust no one around us
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new

 (see full lyrics at the end of this post)

Dear Mess,

If your heartbreak is recent, I am sure you are a giant mess. I don’t know if it is comforting, or just reality, to let you know that a breakup, or a betrayal by a significant other often registers as trauma in your brain and body.

This means that the newly broken-hearted often experience same symptoms as those suffering with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This makes sense because when you experience trauma, life as you know it is no longer the same. When an attachment injury happens with someone you thought you would spend your life with, that life with them as you thought it would be is over for you. Though not the same, it’s comparable to a death or a life altering physical injury. Symptoms of PTSD include, flashbacks, a sense that your life is not real (more like a movie), a sense of a foreshortened future or that things will never work out again. Physical symptoms include being unable to sleep, jumpy, shaky, and issues with your gastrointestinal system.

Does this sound familiar? The good news is that it is usually easier to recover from a breakup than actual life-threatening trauma. You don’t actually have the full diagnosis of PTSD, it just might feel like you do during the early stages of moving on. The symptoms of romantic heartbreak do not last as long or as intensely, unless the situation included actual abuse and violence.

You should expect to be a total mental and physical mess for around 2 weeks to 2 months. And if this was then end of a very serious relationship, you may not feel completely “over it” for 2 to 5 years. There may be some existential explorations, letting go, and refilling, that needs to happen once the smoke and wreckage has cleared. This does not mean you cannot date for 2 to 5 years, just that there may still be some dust settling as you open the doors to your heart again.

It is true what your therapist says: everything will (eventually) be all right and okay. If you do the work to keep moving forward, you will likely emerge just as great or better from heartache; especially if you use this pain as an opportunity to open your heart to even further discovery about yourself and life.

If you would like to read further about the what’s going on for your emotions and body during a major betrayal or breakup, here are some helpful links to articles:

This article gives some helpful explanations and research on how heartbreak is linked with physical pain:

https://www.heysigmund.com/your-body-during-a-breakup/

This article includes some similar information, but also defines more clearly how love in our brain can be similar to an addiction and how losing love can be so maddening. It also includes a bit of an evolutionary perspective on why we are wired to freak out when we feel abandoned:

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/this_is_your_brain_on_heartbreak

This article builds on the science explained in the articles above, and adds some practical advice related to the findings:

https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/psychology-of-heartbreak.htm

Finally, for some fun! Here is Bebe Rexha telling us about how she came up with this song. As we see from her story, heartbreak can turn into a pop hit!:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XadX_VFkWFw

Full Lyrics:

I’m a Mess

By Bebe Rexha, Justin Tranter, Meridith Brooks, Shelly Peiken

 Everything’s been so messed up here lately
Pretty sure he don’t wanna be my baby
Oh, he don’t love me, he don’t love me
He don’t love me, he don’t love me
But that’s okay
‘Cause I love me, yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love myself anyway
Hey

 Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be okay
It’s gonna be a good, good, life
That’s what my therapist say
Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be just fine
It’s gonna be a good, good life

 I’m a mess, I’m a loser
I’m a hater, I’m a user
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new
I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed
I don’t trust no one around us
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new

 Nobody shows up unless I’m paying
Have a drink on me cheers to the failing
Oh, he don’t love me, he don’t love me
He don’t love me, he don’t love me
But that’s okay
‘Cause I love me, yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love myself anyway
Hey

 Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be okay
It’s gonna be a good, good life
That’s what my therapist say