Tracy’s Chapman’s eponymous album is one of my first memories of music. It is a masterpiece musical tapestry that pulls me into different worlds for the duration of each song. Even the songs that are heartbreaking have a haunting pull to them. She tells these stories with empathy, love, and a glimmer of hope that if we tell enough of these stories, we can change them.

By all accounts I’ve read, it seems like Chapman didn’t expect to achieve such worldwide fame when she was discovered playing at a coffee shop as a college student. Her songs were just her ideas, observations, and memories. “Fast Car” was the last song recorded for her studio album. Initially her label wanted her to cut the song down. But Chapman fought to make sure the whole story was included.  I wonder if as she was recording this song in its full authenticity, she was realizing how far she would go. The song has that energy.

35 years after Chapman’s original song was released, it is back in rotation, charting in the Billboard top 10 again, sung in new voice. A surprising at first, but not-so-surprising-once-you-think-about-it-more voice: country star, Luke Combs. Like me, Combs grew up in North Carolina. Like me, he grew up driving all around the sprawl of our state listening to “Fast Car.” And like me, it’s pretty much his favorite song.

As people celebrate this song again, it is clear how this song evokes precious formative memories for so many people around the world.  This NPR music reviewer shares more about what it’s like to hear Combs revisit this song. This song is both uniquely experienced, interpreted, and remembered, but it also unifies everyone who loves it.

As a relationship therapist, I have worked with many versions of the song’s beautifully told, tragically common story. It’s the story of family of dysfunction repeating. The “narrator” watches her mom leave. Then feels bound to make major sacrifices to help her substance-abusing father, until she realizes that her efforts are futile. In the boldness of youth, she escapes with someone who has a fast car. The chorus is jubilant. You can feel the wind in her hands, the freedom, and the release.  Then we are back to the reality that the narrator is bound again to a bleak situation. The family pattern has repeated. Her partner* is drinking and not working, just like her father. She has dreams, but no support for them. (*Note: I combed through the lyrics of each song on this album. Not a single song states the gender of any of the partners she refers to. Chapman is famously private about her personal life.)

The end of the story is up for interpretation. Two big clues towards the end are the line, “take your fast car and keep on driving.” And the final line, “leave tonight or live and die this way.” Is she singing to herself? Or is she singing to desperately reinspire her partner* to take action towards a better life? If the later, is she successful? Given Chapman’s other stories of “ride or die” relationship choices, it isn’t far-fetched that this narrator sticks with her partner. Maybe they work it out and her partner steps up.

But I like to imagine she leaves. The last verse is sung to herself. Not like I enjoy watching people break up. But I do enjoy seeing people free themselves. I like the idea that this is a story of someone breaking a cycle. In this interpretation, I like how she treats her memory depicted in the initial chorus. The memory is hers. Even if she has many bad memories with her partner after, they cannot take this happy memory away from her. In fact, she uses it as inspiration to get away from them. She does not have to block the memory just because they are in it. Eventually they fade and she remembers the most important part of the memory, “I-I had the feeling I could be someone, be someone.” In this interpretation, she drives off in here very own car.

“Epilogue”

As I was looking for a picture of Chapman to post with this blog, I found a picture attached to an article suggesting that this song was inspired by her mothers’ story.  Chapman’s parents divorced when she was a young child, and she was raised by her mother. If this song is telling her family history, it sounds like her mother broke a family cycle, and that helped Chapman to became the conscientious human and rockstar she is today.

Additional note: The picture I ended up using is from her performance heard round the world in 1988 at the Nelson Mandela 70^th Birthday Tribute. Her performance slot was bumped to a prime-time televised position when Stevie Wonder’s technology failed and he couldn’t go on.

If you are emerging from entanglement with a person, or people, that mattered to you, this song might be your spring jam. It is a song about knowing who you’ve become and where you’re going. It is about differentiating from those who cannot met you “across the plane.” Its metaphors detail manipulative attempts to pull someone back into a dysfunctional dynamic, and ultimately concludes with moving on. Therefore, “Death,” is also a resolute celebration of life and rebirth.

Melanie Martinez is an artist known for pushing boundaries with her music and performances. Her newest album follows a narrative progression from her previous two albums that revolved around a persona known as “Cry Baby.” The album, K-12, which precedes her newest album, Portals, was accompanied by a feature film of the same name. In it, “Cry Baby” and her friends experience supernatural powers. At the end, “Cry Baby” must choose between staying on earth or joining her friends elsewhere, likely meaning an earthly death.

Since the release of the K-12 film in 2019, Martinez seems to have continued deep into a spiritual and artistic journey. On her Instagram account explaining the album she expresses fascination with the “between phase of life and death.” If you’re not interested in the occult meanings behind her music, she explains that all of her songs are “disguised with earthly themes for double/triple meaning, to create a frequency for humans to relate to while we are still here on earth.” It sounds like you can experience this song in many ways including: as a literal expression from Martinez if you believe she’s been talking to spirits, as a continuation of the fictional character and story of “Cry Baby,” or as a general metaphor for whatever you’re going through right now.

Clients may relate with the song’s feeling of regaining yourself when you take space from people who invalidate you. The second verse is especially compelling as a metaphor for us earth dwellers as she describes miscommunication, “they’re saying my name in their prayers again, I flicker the lights so they understand.” She hears them, but since they refuse to understand her where she is, they don’t realize she’s actually near them. “Doing all your witchcraft to pull me in,” could refer to the manipulative tactics people sometimes resort to in attempt to test someone’s boundaries and pull them back to terms they no longer accept. Finally, my favorite, “I show my presence, you run away in fear of ghosts,” depicts how one person’s authenticity can trigger the other’s struggles and barriers they are not ready to face.

There are plenty of “moving on,” songs out there. What I appreciate about “Death” and its accompanying music video is its unapologetic strangeness, as well as the vulnerable acknowledgement of how hard it is, both in the lyrics and musical shift: “When you’re not around I sink into the ground. I try to pretend you’re closer to me…” This conveys the often painful and strange way we might feel even though we know we must let go.

Ultimately, the song moves on recognizing that “I don’t want to be carrying this weight on my shoulders/ death has come to me, kissed me on the cheek, gave me closure.” In the context of distancing oneself from difficult family dynamics, “death” could mean “estrangement.” While estrangement should never be the goal, sometimes it is necessary, at least in the short-term. Sometimes you need space to heal and regain your energy.

The song depicts that burst of renewed energy with its campy, catchy, hook: “I’m back from the dead, back from the dead!”

If you want to read more about Melanie Martinez’s journey as an artist and more one why I find her so interesting follow the links below for Part II and III of my exploration:

From “LolitaCore” to “WeirdCore”: Melanie Martinez’s Fashion/Differentiation Journey

How Complex Artists “Gotta Escape that Void”

Summary: This post shares eight things you can do to practice setting boundaries and letting go in difficult relationships. 

I recently took a leap and started relationship therapy group with some courageous and insightful participants. It was so meaningful to do this work with them. This post is dedicated to those people as we wrap up our first group cycle.

In this group, which I called the “Going Home Family Systems Group,” we explored relationships with our families of origins, and how these relationship networks influence us. There were many dynamics to explore, and a lot of emotions that came up. A major theme was how to set and maintain boundaries in order to support healthy relationships and ourselves.

The creative energy and needs of this group moved me to create an eight-step process and mnemonic for setting boundaries, especially in difficult relationship situations. I call it the S.L.O.W.E.X.I.T.

I chose the song “Fix You” by Coldplay to accompany this post because of its solemn, yet hopeful, accepting qualities. His slow walk in the video helped me come up with the acronym. The melodic refrain, “lights will guide you home,” and the moving progression of the bridge capture the feeling of excitement or embarking on a new therapeutic journey with this group.

If you are working on setting boundaries and letting go, you can either sing this song with a slight rewrite “I WONT try to fix you.” Or you can sing with the original lyrics remembering the “you” that you are fixing (healing!) is yourself.

S.L.O.W.E.X.I.T Steps for Setting Boundaries and Letting Go

S is for the “Serenity prayer.” This prayer was composed by American theologian Reinhold Neibuhr in the early 1930s, around the same time 12 step programs, lead by the original Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), were developing and beginning to spread their wisdom. AA adopted and popularized the prayer. The prayer is most commonly quoted as:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 It is a beautiful way to ground yourself back into the realities of what you can and cannot control so that you can begin your process of acceptance and moving forward.

L is for “Let go.” In this process, prioritize letting go of automatic and problematic thinking. It may be harder to let go of feelings, as they may need to run their course in their own time. Feelings may land more in the category of what you can’t control. You have a bit more agency over your thoughts. You are especially invited to let go of any judgments, criticisms, and irrational thinking that come up for you.

O is for “ask Once.” If you are setting boundaries in a relationship, you must also refrain from crossing others’ boundaries. If you have clearly asked once, and the other person is not moving anywhere near collaboration with you, once may be your limit. Asking over and over starts to veer into the realm of trying to control someone else. If someone has no plans to collaborate with what you are asking, multiple requests for change may push them away further than you intended.

W is for “Within.” The most important boundaries are the ones you maintain within yourself. While sometimes it’s important to clarify boundaries, over-expressing your boundaries can turn into a controlling behavior. Many boundaries we hold do not need to be shared with the other person. You don’t need to overstate how you expect to be treated, what behaviors will cause you to take space, or give ultimatums about when something needs to happen. You just need to understand these boundaries within yourself and have the confidence to take space when they are crossed.

E is for “Escape plan.” If you know you are going into a challenging relationship situation, have an escape plan. If it’s just a call or conversation, have some polite ways to exit the conversation if need be. If you are traveling, make sure you have budgeted not only for the trip assuming all goes well – have a budget for escape transportation and lodging! This can help you feel less anxiety, knowing you have the means to escape if need be. Finally, find a mental and energetic escape for yourself through something you love to do.

X is for “don’t detach with an aXe.” Detaching with an “axe” means that you take space in an over-harsh way. Your goal is to heal enough to set boundaries in an assertive, serene way, not with reactivity, and not with malice.

I is for “use I-focus.” I am not the first relationship therapist to impart the wisdom to speak from your own perspective, and I won’t be the last. My special guidance here is that you ground from the humility that your truth is subjective and that the other person has a valid truth as well. Trade in a labeling judgmental take such as, “you are XXX,” for more vulnerable expression such as, “I am feeling XXX, and I need XXX.”

T is for Team.  When you need to take space from an upsetting relationship dynamic, remember the supportive relationship dynamics in your life. Call on them as needed, especially to process the difficult feelings that come up for you and to encourage behavior you can feel good about.

Full Lyrics:

Fix You

By Chris Martin, Johnny Buckland, Guy Berryman, and Will Champion

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Refrain:

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above, or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try, you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Refrain

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face, and I

Repeat