Infusing therapy with this intellectual element introduces a language that the client can then use to develop insights and make meaningful changes.  When describing Attachment Theory to clients, I focus on three main points:

• Secure and Insecure Attachment
• An Attachment Figure
• The Impact of Attachment

Secure Attachment equates to a secure emotional base.  This base encourages and enables an ease of connection and ease in life.

An Attachment Figure, early on in the course of life, is typically a parent or caregiver.  When the relationship with a parent or caregiver is reliable, grounded, supportive and calming, babies develop into childhood feeling understood, seen and heard.

Impact of Attachment: As a result, they typically grow confident to take risks, become able to go through life with ease, build a resiliency of mind, and an ability to attune to others.  According to Attachment Theory, children raised with a secure attachment figure can more easily develop insight and empathy towards others and are more likely to have a strong moral compass.   Without a secure attachment during formative years, childhood and adult relationships are often fraught with anxiety, tension, anger, and volatility.  The fallout from these insecure attachments can lead to feelings of sadness, loneliness, isolation and hopelessness.  Risky, detached combative behavior is common among those who have never felt a secure and reliable attachment to another.

Of course, some attachments with primary caregivers are exceptionally reliable and secure, some are entirely insecure, and many fall somewhere in between.  Furthermore, relationships with primary attachment figures may change or become compromised in the face of trauma or tragedy.  To this end, it is important to understand one’s personal history of attachment.   Early in the therapy process, I work with families, couples, and individuals to construct a personal genogram to do so.

A genogram is a visual map that delineates family history and – in my personal approach to therapy – emphasizes the importance of attachment and relationship dynamics.  Through this impactful conversation and its subsequent visual output, my clients learn to talk about and see what relationships in their life worked and which ones didn’t.   Through the genogram, clients consider who, among the primary formative relationships, allowed them to experience anger, sadness, happiness and joy.  These are called “primary emotions”.  Underneath such primary emotions are more intense “secondary emotions” such as rage, fear, shame, hopelessness and isolation.

If you are experiencing a wealth of these intense secondary emotions, they may be surfacing as a result of early experiences of feeling misunderstood or unseen.  By exploring and understanding more about WHY you may become particularly agitated or triggered at the office, with friends, or with your romantic partner, this empowering knowledge can allow you to move forward, problem solve, and build more intimate and meaningful connections.

Therapy is most effective when the clinician is grounded in a particular theory that acts as a guiding principle for the work.  Sure, it helps to integrate various theories based on the needs of each particular client, but therapy will be directive and productive if there is a key theoretical base structuring the process.  My approach to therapy is grounded in attachment theory.  According to attachment theory, underneath shame – most often — exists the sensation of a loss of connection.  Clients experiencing loss of connection often feel misunderstood or even invisible.  According to attachment theory, sustained lack of connection leads to insecurity, sadness, frustration and/or anger.  Underneath these secondary emotions lies the primary emotion — shame.   When clients talk about feeling “frustrated” or “annoyed”, we discuss these emotions and I point out it that it can feel safe to use words like “frustrated” or “annoyed” because we are socialized to believe that it is vulgar to be angry.  We are socialized to believe that if you are sad you must rid yourself of that feeling as fast as you can so that others view you as strong rather than experience you as vulnerable or weak.

No wonder we grow up working so hard to make ourselves tough as nails, it is marked in our culture.  Fortunately, current research on vulnerability and dynamic thinkers like Dr. Brene Brown are speaking up about the importance of facing shame and showing vulnerability.  Brown’s books  — The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly and Rising Strong —  and TED talks are challenging this social norm.  My approach to therapy highlights the importance of moving through shame and learning to be vulnerable in our primary relationships .  Without authentic connections, there is a tendency to keep feelings bottled up with nowhere to go.   By continuing to suppress feelings of anger, sadness, fear, shame can manifest in unhealthy ways such as anxiety, depression or even medical disorders associated with stress.

I work with clients to build a greater sense of ownership in their daily life experience.  To this end, I often emphasize the following points.  They may seem simple, but they tend to make life a lot less complicated:

1 – Determine the difference between true commitments and manufactured obligations;
2 – Eliminate at least three manufactured obligations;
3 – Outside of the daily routine, choose two things that are most important to you, and make them happen at least twice a week;  
4 – Learn to say no in order to set limits with yourself, your friends, family, and work.

This last point is perhaps the most challenging.  Saying no can feel especially difficult at first.  However, with the right perspective and a basic understanding of the psychological theories that relate to building self-esteem and establishing appropriate boundaries, clients discover that learning to say no can be transformational.

Remember, an over-scheduled life is usually a CHOICE.  At the root of many clients’ anxiety, we often discover a basic struggle to find the time to take care of ourselves and do the things we most enjoy.  Choosing priorities and eliminating manufactured obligations can free up time AND tremendous emotional energy.  Realizing that it is counter productive to try to do it all can actually reduce anxiety.  Once we decide to do a few things well, and let go of the idea that we need to do it all, we can start to manage our lives in a more fulfilling way.